Friend, maybe it’s time for us to put the measuring stick away—for good! Because, in all honesty, if we don’t confront this validation beast that we inwardly crave, in time, it will not only cost us the precious relationship with our children but with our faithful Father, as well.
Where did I go wrong?
Have you ever thought that? Yes, unfortunately, I have, too. Truth be told, my mind has wondered all over the place as a mom, dabbling in some pretty dangerous mental territory, if you know what I mean. However, have you ever wondered what causes these tainted trains of thought? Obviously, our initial response might be that the enemy is just playing tricks on us, trying to steal our joy as moms. And sure, we can’t discount that. But what if I told you there was more to it than that?
The brutal truth is that we cannot discount our part in these destructive mental exercises, too. If we really want to know where these thoughts generally originate from, we must look inward. This may not come as a surprise (and maybe you already know), but our need for approval as moms is usually marked by how our kiddos make us “feel.” To put it another way, we often seek validation from our little darlings as a measuring stick. And you guessed it, that measuring stick also affects (and triggers) our momma brains.
It’s all performance-based too, often hanging in the balance of our child’s flighty reactions and responses, growing and shriveling with each loving or not-so-loving gesture that gets extended to us. How does this play out? Well, those unexpected hugs, precious meaningful chats, and witnessing your child grow in their faith equals you are a “good mom,” provoking inner kudos and causing that measuring stick to grow. Yet, on the other hand, the full-blown temper tantrums, snarky retorts that cut deep, or feeling helpless as your child drifts away from their faith equates to being a “bad mom,” inducing hurt feelings, shame, and the loss of confidence.
All these actions create a perfect storm for a vicious cycle of events. Our need for validation sparks a positive or negative response from our little darlings that, in turn, fuels our minds with affirmations or destructive lies.
Friend, maybe it’s time for us to put the measuring stick away—for good! Because, in all honesty, if we don’t confront this validation beast that we inwardly crave, in time, it will not only cost us the precious relationship with our children but with our faithful Father, as well.
Why Do We Seek Validation?
Oh, validation! Why do we seek it so much on this motherhood journey? After all, it’s a fleeting moment of accomplishment to receive it but can bring so much pain and cripple us when we clumsily try to chase it down.
As Christians, (let me just add), we are not immune to seeking validation from others, especially our kiddos. Deep down, we may know that our identity is found in Christ and His approval is the only one that matters, but that innate need to feel like a “good mom” creeps in all the time!
We want to know that our investment in our favorite little people’s lives means something. This is our sole purpose, our mission. Motherhood isn’t a journey, it’s a ministry. And as faithful moms, we want so badly to make it count and to know that all the heart and soul we pour in on the daily brings the reward that declares, “Mom, you’re doing a good job!”
After all, we applaud the Proverbs 31 woman and aim to be like all the matriarchs we read about in the Bible who demonstrate such faith, perseverance, courage, and determination. We want to be seen as the women who is highly favored not just by her children or others, but by God. So, we do our best to raise arrows, shoot them out into the world, and desperately pray that they will glorify God with their lives and grow His kingdom.
Then life happens. And sometimes, those arrows fail to launch, or they come back with broken pieces. Other times, they target others with vengeance or even fiercely pierce your own heart. It’s easy to get caught up in the hurt and pain of that and fail to remember who you are as a mom as you shift through all the thoughts that consume your mind, eventually leading you to the ultimate question: Where did I go wrong?
Then we find ourselves going right back to where we started, seeking validation for something (anything) we did right. We seek that validation because we don’t want to be forced to answer the question that uncovers our imperfections and digs into our messy past. We yearn for validation, especially from our children, because it grips us with the harsh reality that maybe we were never a good enough mom, but if we tried really hard to be, they will accept that and still love us.
Being Imperfect and Raising Imperfect People
The truth is that we all struggle in the journey. All of us! And the bottom line is that we’re all doing the best we can, but we won’t gain the validation we truly desire from our kids (or our spouse, parents, or friends). That’s because we are imperfectly raising imperfect people, which is all the more reason why we must lean into a perfect Savior to lift us up and carry us through!
And because our God is so gracious and knew we needed examples of imperfect mothers, He provided some for us in the Bible to learn and glean from! Not to mention, there are many stories about their imperfect children, too! I would venture to say many biblical mothers longed for approval or sought validation from their children.
So, let’s discover a few of them, shall we? Starting with the notorious Proverbs 31 woman. This woman is highly admired by many and prestigiously acclaimed as the “go to” image as a faithful wife and endearing mother. But, sweet friend, she is an illusion. That’s right. She isn’t real. She gives us a beautiful example to live by, but if she were real, she would likely face similar challenges. I bet her morning shift in between rising at dusk and tending to those fields consisted of quieting down restless (and argumentative) children and reprimanding a feisty teen.
Now, grab your Bible, and let’s read about some other real mommas God shares with us through His Word. Take a moment to really look into their stories and read about their hardships, struggles, and, more than likely, intense longings for validation:
Naomi struggled with bitterness as she sought validation from her hometown community (Ruth 1:6-22).
Ruth held many scars from her past, as she never received validation from her own family (Ruth 1:16-18).
Leah felt invisible and insecure next to her sister Rachel (Genesis 29:17-20).
Elizabeth struggled with infertility, as did Hannah, Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel, often feeling abandoned by God (Luke 1:7).
Mary even groveled after understanding in how she was to approach raising the Son of God. Talk about feeling inadequate and longing for validation. She was an imperfect mom raising a perfect human! I can’t even begin to imagine the mixed emotions she must have carried and the heavy weight she placed on herself to be a “good enough mother” to God Himself (Luke 1:26-38).
In each of these beautiful stories, we see where God met these moms, extending His love and giving them the validation they truly needed. Dear beloved daughter, He does the same for you!
Seeking Validation Where It Really Matters
Seeking validation from your children will backfire and fail every single time. I assure you because I have lived it for years and still have to lay that cross down from time to time. So, let’s take our heart that seeks validation and our mind that desperately needs to hear the truth to our perfect Savior.
1. Acknowledge the areas in motherhood where you seek validation. Are you longing to feel good enough? Are you battling a past hurt? Do you feel helpless about the future? Label it, own it, and then speak truth over it!
2. Proclaim these truths over your heart and feed your mind a different narrative to gain victory!
God delights in me (Psalm 37:23)!
God lives in and through me (1 John 4:16)!
God has equipped me (2 Peter 1:3)!
God is perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9)!
God is for me (Romans 8:31)!
3. Walk in the truth and grace that God sees you and will set you free from the entrapment validation has over you. Be intentional. Every time you find yourself being consumed with destructive thoughts or your child does something that sets you ablaze, breathe deep and look up. Allow God to remind you that the only validation you need is His!
A Prayer to Encourage You Right Now!
God, I humbly come before You and seek guidance in setting my mind on more constructive thoughts that emit Your glorious truth. Please remind me of those truths when I am desperate for approval and need to feel validated as a mom. The truth is, I so badly want to be a good mom, and more than anything, I want to please You. I want You to find favor in me as Your daughter and know that I am faithfully raising the children You have so graciously entrusted in my care to the best of my ability. But, if I am honest, I feel that when my children fail, I have failed them and You. And when they turn from You, I find that I turn from You, too. Oh God, please draw close to us both. Fill in the places where I fall short and forgive me when I seek approval from my children or others. I do not want to put this strain on them to meet a need they aren’t even aware of. It’s not fair. It’s not right. I want to set the example that when we aren’t enough, You are! God, I ask that You step in and grant me the strength to transform my mind and ransom my heart with Your approval alone. I want to show my children that our imperfections are where Your beautiful perfection shines! Amen.
Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Kyryl Gorlov
