The many times I screamed out from a place of deep pain in my car only for God to hear not only brought about restorative healing, but also let the enemy know that I wasn’t going to let him win.
The last few years have been emotionally brutal, and a bit of a blur. It’s been a turbulent and wild ride, y’all. I don’t say that casually, as my whole body has felt the whiplash from it all, and I am still trying to process the past while also bracing for the impact that is yet to come. Honestly, I am tired, overwhelmed, and completely numb.
It’s almost as if the weather outside hears the aches of my heart and matches my mood between the rumbling clouds and stark pings that keep hitting my kitchen windowpane. It’s funny (or maybe ironic) how this life can send such shockwaves to our soul that we become blinded by the lies and venture down the wrong path as if we somehow belong there. Yet, when God presents Himself in beautiful and majestic ways (such as this peacefully dramatic rainstorm), showcasing His power, we dismiss it or brush it off.
Finding the Root of Resentment
Three years ago, I lost my mom suddenly to a stroke that led to a brain aneurysm. I had lunch with her the day before. We laughed. We cried. We talked about the true realities of motherhood. Everything was fine, until it wasn’t. Her death, which just so happened to coincide with my middle daughter’s birthday, brought about a type of pain I am not really sure how to put into words. But one thing I do remember is how that day became forever tainted, making me fester feelings that eventually led to resentment.
To make matters worse, grief took its toll on my oldest daughter, and it showed up in ways that brought about dire consequences. Worldly lies and temptations became appealing and enticing to her, making the firm foundation of her faith shaky and unstable. We found that the more we interjected ourselves into her life, aiming to protect and lead her back to the right path, the more she would pull away, making choices that broke our hearts.
So, between the grief of losing my mom and the sorrow of having to let go of the hopes and dreams I had formed for my daughter, essentially grieving her too, I reached a place where I felt utterly abandoned by God. Over time, as much as I tried to pray or dig into His Word, this feeling of anguish and hurt kept resurfacing and pulling me back to a dark place that whispered nothing but lies. And I believed them.
Maybe you are also wandering through the wilderness, and your path is leading you into the unknown. Feeling abandoned by God, especially on this motherhood journey, is a real struggle. Trust me, it’s okay to admit that. But, if I can encourage you today, it would be by finding the root cause of your resentment, then calling it out. That means speaking it out loud and giving it to God. Time and time again, if you have to. The many times I screamed out from a place of deep pain in my car only for God to hear not only brought about restorative healing, but also let the enemy know that I wasn’t going to let him win. While I may have felt abandoned, deep down I knew that I was handing over my pain to the only One who could rescue me!
Proclaiming Psalms Over Your Life
By combatting the lies with truth, we allow God to speak directing to our wounded hearts and fight our everyday battles (Exodus 14:14). However, it’s ever so easy for our overzealous feelings to confiscate our time with God. But don’t be deceived; this isn’t just time with you and God. When the enemy sees you already knocked down, he loves to twist truth and interject himself in the most sacred of places. This is spiritual warfare! And this is why it is crucial to recognize our own limitations by standing firm in our faith and leaning into the almighty God during our moments of weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).
If your prayers feel null and void (or come with a low grumble of frustration or complaint) and digging into the Word seems more daunting, falling on tone deaf ears or a hardened heart, take a deep breath and remember “who” (the enemy) you are dealing with! That liar is prone to attack when you are trying to seek the Lord for help.
This is where reading Scripture aloud is so beneficial. Remember, you have already proclaimed the root of your resentment out loud and asked God for His help (Matthew 11:28-30); the enemy knows this, and will now try to use it to attack you even more, so be ready, my friend! Praying out loud and seeking God’s intervention while reciting verses that calm your heart and ease your mind will be the battleground in which you firmly stand from now on!
If God still feels far or you are unsure which Scriptures to read aloud, turn to the Book of Psalms. This is my go-to book when life or motherhood feels heavy, as it is packed with relatable verses that come from the depths of sorrow and places of deep pain in David’s heart. Psalms 10,13, and 22 address the desperate need for God’s help and deliverance. Psalm 23 expresses thankfulness and gratitude for God’s protection and supervision. Write some of the verses out and place them around your home to remind yourself of the absolute truth. This will also send a message to your children!
Seeing God in the Details
As I sat on my porch swing this morning with coffee in hand and listened to the rain, I couldn’t help but think of my oldest daughter. She is usually on my mind. In a few weeks we will be honoring her and celebrating her accomplishments with a graduation party. We will gather with friends and family. Pictures will be scattered among the tables, balloons will grace the doorways, and sweet and special mementos will be perfectly placed around our backyard. Laughter will flood this place and memories will be made. And as much as I wish things would have gone differently, and it pains me that my mom isn’t here to witness these monumental moments (and give me some good ‘ole fashioned mom advice), I trust that God has a plan for my daughter. He’s got her, and He’s got me.
Dear friend, God has you too! Believe that. Know that. I don’t know what storms you are facing today, but I do know that God will never ever abandon you (Hebrews 13:5). The distance we usually feel comes from riding the brutal waves of this life and not putting on the “Life vest” (also known as abiding in Christ) and taking hold of His hand. God is in the storms of this life, riding the waves with us, but He is also the One who calms the raging seas and brings us to a place of peace, no matter what the situation or outcome may be.
Look for Him and you will find Him. Whether You feel His precious presence in the cool breeze on a summer day, in the kindness of a stranger, the warm embrace of a close friend, or the touch of those sweet little fingers tucked within your own. He is often found in the intricate details of your life, bringing a gentle reminder that He is always with you. Hold on to that truth, my friend!
Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/triloks
