Finding our identity as moms, especially when we undergo trying seasons, can be complicated and messy, but God offers us so many glimmers of hope when we meet Him in prayer.
There have been several seasons on this motherhood journey where I have paused only to look back, scratch my head (metaphorically speaking), and go, "Huh?" How did I get here? As a mom with teens, one who is about to go to college and another who just turned “sweet sixteen,” what I have come to learn, if it is any consolation, is that being a mom sure does have a weird yet beautiful way of changing us—a lot!
Yet, sadly, in those strange out-of-body experiences, where we look in the mirror and no longer recognize ourselves, it’s usually the negative thoughts and shaming self-talk that come with a damaging downward spiral of loud, obnoxious lies. The worst part is that we entertain these deceitful deceptions and often believe them! It’s as if the enemy knows exactly how to use our own weary bodies against us! And that’s when those tired eyes that stare back at us tell another story and demand our full attention. They not only say, “I’m exhausted,” but rather, they send this secret message that pierces straight to our fragile momma heart.
It's Okay to Grieve “That" Girl
The message is very clear: Our eyes tell us that the former girl is gone, while our hearts can’t help but grieve her. Maybe you know the girl I am referring to? The girl who was once carefree, fun-loving, and had this ambitious zeal for life. The girl who had freedom and tons of energy. The girl who loved to hang out with her friends or catch the latest chick flick. The girl who longed to be a wife, mother, and excel in her career, all while exploring her creative side with hobbies that brought her so much joy, peace, and even purpose.
What happened to her? Did motherhood change her that much? Yes! Yes, it did. But not in the way you may be led to believe.
Sweet sister, if you are feeling that your former self is completely gone, and you have somehow forgotten who you are along the way, let me first of all say, it’s okay. It’s completely normal to feel this way. Trust me, we’ve all been there. I know hearing those words doesn’t necessarily make your heart feel any less heavy, but what if I added that it’s not only okay, but it’s actually healthy, to grieve “that girl”?
That’s because we can either bend toward the lie that the world and enemy dishes out, proclaiming that motherhood will cause us to die to self and we will never be same, like that is some sort of bad thing, or listen to what God says about our role as women and mothers. When we look back at the past with longing, it gives God the opportunity to whisper to our weary hearts in the present, giving us a fresh perspective that holds hope, a purposeful plan, and a precious promise for our future (Proverbs 23:18). God says motherhood will most certainly change and challenge us, but there is a sweet place where the “old” version of ourselves meets the “new” version, and when we embrace that, we begin to see ourselves and our role as mothers in a whole new light!
Truth That Will Set You Free
The brutal reality is that nobody really prepares you for how much you are going to change in motherhood and how those changes will affect your mental and emotional well-being. Being a mom will cost you just about everything as you give and pour into another human being. From the never-ending sacrifices to the super long days and sleepless nights. Not to mention all the time, energy, and effort that often goes unnoticed and unappreciated. It really goes without saying, but motherhood will make you question your worth, your ability, and your identity, as well as bring you to a place where you reflect on the past with a mixture of nostalgia and overwhelming emotions.
Of course, this will all come with the sting of grief. Unfortunately, this is also where the lies fester, and the guilt and shame love to rear their ugly heads, too. As you begin to reflect on the past, what do you notice? What thoughts transpire as you sit alone in the park or gaze at your reflection in the mirror? Can you tell the difference between that truth and the lies?
Honestly, it’s not always so cut and dry or easy to tell, especially when you are already struggling with your identity. Just remember that the deceiver brings about a twisted truth in a means to make you feel condemned while God delivers truth packed with hope and promise bringing about conviction to cause our spiritual growth. If nothing else, cling to these truths when you feel utterly consumed by motherhood and have forgotten who you are:
1. Parenting isn’t easy. God, being the ultimate parent, knows this. It is hard and can come with utter heartbreak at times. So, be patient with yourself as you change and grow in this season (2 Corinthians 4:16).
2. Being a mom is a blessing and great reward from God, but you are His daughter first and foremost. You can’t pour into those little darlings if you aren’t reaching for Your Father first (1 John 3:1, Psalm 37:3-7)!
3. You can still be a great mom and also tend to yourself and your needs (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). In other words, it’s okay to make time for the things you love. If you can’t remember what you love, this may be a good time to pick up a new hobby or try a new skill!
4. Your emotions and pain you carry as a mom (no matter how big or small you think they are) matter deeply to God, and He wants you to come to Him (Isaiah 55:1-3).
Embracing the “New” Girl
The former girl isn’t gone or completely hidden, I promise. She is just awaiting her time to emerge with confidence. Just like with any new role we encounter, be mindful that it takes time to adjust. Whether you are a new mom or in a season of motherhood that is stretching you beyond measure as you're consumed by the daily grind or living in survival mode, give yourself space and grace. That may look like giving yourself time to be alone and reflect on your thoughts without little munchkins crawling all over you or getting your nails done without any guilt or shame.
Also, realize that as faith-filled moms, we will be in a constant pattern of change because we serve a God who continually shapes us to be more and more like Jesus, using various seasons in our lives to grow us (2 Corinthians 3:18, Romans 8:28). So, when you enter a season of change, and motherhood feels anything but good and you feel lost, look to the One who never changes and is forever holy, good, and righteous (Malachi 3:6)! Trust Him and let Him sustain you in the growth process.
Finding our identity as moms, especially when we undergo trying seasons, can be complicated and messy, but God offers us so many glimmers of hope when we meet Him in prayer. He also reclaims our identity when we dig into His Word. Just be gentle and kind to your fragile momma heart, realizing that while you may miss that “old” girl, the “new” girl needs your guidance, love, and to hear truth spoken into her soul. You may feel like you have forgotten who you are, but God sees you now, He saw you then, and He sees so much hope for your future. Hang in there. Better days are ahead!
Related Resource: Helping Aging Parents: Encouragement for Women in the Sandwich Generation
Are you facing tough decisions about caring for aging parents or loved ones? In this episode, we dive deep into the challenges of recognizing when it’s time to step in, the emotional rollercoaster of moving someone to assisted living, and the power of socialization to revitalize cognitive health. Our guest, Wendy Jones of Next Steps 4 Seniors, shares practical tips for navigating guilt, downsizing, and embracing healthy aging as a family. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or uncertain about next steps, this conversation is packed with encouragement, resources, and real stories to help you stop comparing and start living with confidence. Heather and Wendy chat about the unique challenges of being in the "Sandwich Generation" where you have children still at home and aging parents to take care of. If this episode helps you, be sure to subscribe to Compared to Who? at Spotify or Apple Podcasts so you never miss an episode!
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