I’m an only child, and I ended up with three children of my own. Much of the reason there are three children has to do with the loneliness and vulnerability I experienced as an only child. There were no siblings with whom I could share blame or pass blame to in tough situations. My life was permeated with experiences where I solely shouldered the influence of pain that had not been addressed by those before me. Subconsciously, I wanted my children to have a safety net in each other in the event of an unimaginable loss or tragedy.
What I have come to realize is that even if the apple does not fall far from the tree, there is the hope that it will not be rotten at its core – there is hope that the apple will perhaps meander down a hill to an unexpected but welcoming valley where it will provide fruit that gives honor to its heritage, but is no longer steeped in harmful proximity.
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What is it about past pain that seeps through bloodlines? Especially pain that is unresolved? It stalks and haunts our families and takes away our peace. I have found this to be especially true in households of color, of which I am a product. After the near loss of both my religion and sanity, I decided it was prudent to start the work of looking at my life. It was necessary that I search out my hidden places, the areas where I held memories captive under lock and key. I knew that I not only owed it to myself to begin the healing process, but to the sweet three coming after me. It was time to choose to interrupt the cycle and prevent the past from resurfacing once and for all.
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I have not reached the end of my journey because I suspect it will take the consistent work of a lifetime. But I am proud to say that I am actively engaged in tackling things that caused hurt and pain – things that threaten my current peace. There’s a text that alludes to the sins of the fathers being visited upon the third and fourth generation (Numbers 14:18, NLT). I can’t help but feel that this verse is applicable to this conversation. The question begged to be asked, “Why is healing from the past so important and what benefit do we receive?”
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Friends, healing from the past is important because it allows us to experience freedom. Freedom from strongholds and habits that may or may not be a result of our decisions. Additionally, when we neglect the work of facing our giants, we leave our children and our whole family vulnerable. This is critical. The best chance our children have at living full, uninhibited lives that glorify God is a chance only we can give them. When we are whole and present, we are examples, ebenezers even, of what a life free from the bondage of our past looks like. Whom the Son sets free is free indeed (John 8:36, KJV, paraphrased). And who doesn’t want to live a life of freedom?
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Children are like mirrors; they reflect their parents’ characters, both good and not so good. Their life imprint will consist of a combination of what we have told them, what we have shown them, and what they believe to be true. It is our privilege as parents to protect them and walk alongside them while introducing them to faith and all that comes with it. How can we do this saddled with the weight of our past?
Much of my past truly colors my interactions with my children. How I communicate with them, discipline them, and love them is based on what I observed growing up. It either comes from a place that supported my experiences or a place that is the total opposite of my upbringing. Working through the past allows me to separate what is real from what I perceived to be real and translate that into relationship with them. I owe it to my children to be real. To be a warrior for my life. To seek out help. To call a thing a thing! I owe it to them to deal with my past and all its sundry hiccups, so that they do not fall prey to the perpetuation of pain. They are innocently navigating their lives and have plenty to grow through without the added tension of compounded issues.
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If you are like me, practical tips provide a guide from which to operate. So here are a few ways to facilitate healing from your past and pain so that it doesn’t affect your children in the present and/or future.
Be honest with yourself. You know your story. You were there, and only you can give credence to your experiences good, bad, or indifferent. Own it and determine then and there to make a change.
Pray earnestly for God’s grace and direction. Many of us have hard stories or hard parts in our story that may evoke feelings that we’ve long buried. Ask God for help to extend yourself grace and to guide you to the next steps.
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Talk to someone you trust and ask them for their support. This could be a spouse, friend, mentor or someone that knows you well enough to give you support and encouragement for your journey. Ask for their prayers in conjunction with your own.
Don’t be afraid to seek out professional support. Sometimes we are incapable of doing the work without professional assistance. And guess what? That is totally okay. A trained professional is a great resource for identifying specific areas of concern and opportunities for healing.
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The past can be a place full of nefarious characters. Forgive them. Then forgive yourself. This doesn’t mean that you will automatically receive healing, nor does it mean that it’s a one-time deal. Often, forgiveness is multi-layered and complex and requires several rounds of application.
Whatever it takes to heal. Take self-care moments and write positive affirmations/Scriptures out to counter the lies of the enemy and keep you on track. Have the hard discussions. Weep. Pray some more.
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Remember the recipients of your work. Your children, those precious gifts, and yourself. Don’t forget that there is a goal – to be whole and present. To be like that apple that got away from the tree.
Healing is possible, yes, and available to you and me. I believe that God is a healer and that there is nothing too hard for Him (Jeremiah 32:27, NIV). I’m so excited to know that there is a great work being done in our lives daily. My prayer for you is that you align yourself with God in the process and participate in that work.
QuantrillaArd (affectionately known as Quanny), hails from the DC metropolitan area. She and her husband raise their family with joy and are constantly in awe of each blessing bestowed upon them. Because she leads a full life as a wife, stay-at-home mom, doctoral student, and entrepreneur, Quanny often finds herself in the thick of problem solving at any given moment. Check out more of her writing on her blog, ThePHDMamma.com, and connect with her on Twitter.
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