Let’s face it— how we live our everyday shapes their sense of right and wrong.
“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.” Exodus 20:12
My neighbor’s daughter is one of the sweetest, funniest, and wackiest little sweethearts you’ll ever come across. But she can also be mean, stubborn, and with a bit of an aggressive streak. And just like most kids these days, she‘s fixated on saying the resounding “no” to almost every request that she’s not vibing with, defiant until your last ounce of patience burns out.
I sometimes wonder if saying “no” has become a perennial habit for most kids in this day and age. Is it because that’s what they witness on regular children's shows? Where kids would snap the word out, loaded with utter annoyance– NO!
Many would say that little children will outgrow their bad behavior. I may have to agree with that. I’ve seen misbehaved kids grow up into kind-hearted, well-adjusted adults. We know for a fact that young children are prone to misbehaving as they’re still not adept at regulating their emotions. So, expect feet stomping, kicking, pushing, smashing toys, screaming, and crying fits. But once they mature a bit and their communication skills expand, you should see a gradual, encouraging shift in their behavior.
However, using kids’ inability to manage emotions as an excuse to overlook unsavory actions and attitudes is something I’m not entirely on board with.
Rectifying Kids Behavior
Little kids should be corrected for their bad behavior, for stepping out of line. But it must be done not with a belt, wooden spoon, or a fly swatter. Having a heart-to-heart talk with them is the best option as they’re still powerless to regulate their behavior, still at the mercy of their big emotions. However, if they wouldn’t budge after giving them a gentle reprimand—giving them a time-out would be ideal instead of resorting to punitive discipline.
And recently, I learned from my former SaaS writing coach about the power of what's called the “tiny ask.” It’s something that she employs in her career but can be applied in parenting kids as well. Let me pass along how she applied “tiny ask” to get her son to obey:
“Throw those candy wrappers in the trash!” I snapped at my kiddo.
Like every parent ever, I've repeated this a million times. What's so hard about walking to the kitchen and dropping trash there?
It's simple, right?
-Pick up wrappers
-Walk to kitchen
-Throw in trash
Then it hit me: What seems simple for me is a three-step expedition for a 7-year-old. (I know what you're thinking… he’s already 7 years old, but every mom has a different approach to parenting because every child is different.)
So I reframed my request into a tiny ask: "Hey, can you put your empty candy wrappers on the table after you've eaten your candies?" And he said, “Okay!” and instantly placed that flimsy foil on our table. My heart did a little dance. Victory!
From that day on, all his wrappers landed on the table. No misses. No reminders. Is the problem completely solved? Nope. But no more messy couch or surprise ant attacks during movie nights. I'll teach him Step 2 once Step 1 becomes second nature.
I am thinking about using the same strategy for my 5-year-old nephew who’s quite defiant, flat-out ignoring requests. By giving him a no-brainer task, something he could easily wrap his head around, he is more likely to obey. As a consequence, I can train him to obey elders, hammering in the need to respect authority without squashing his freedom to think for himself.
Back in the day, seeing my mom with her arms akimbo was more than enough to send me running to the hog pen to feed our adorable piglet or run some errands outside. Never mind that I was glued to the TV, watching my favorite cartoon shows. Was I annoyed? Of course, I was, but saying “No” would surely land my bum on my mom’s ”attitude adjustment bench.”
Better to miss a few scenes of my favorite cartoon shows than be spanked on the bum.
Respect for elders back then was a given. Even the naughtiest boy in the neighborhood folded without a fight when Mom and Dad spewed angry words. Today? Oh, boy! You have just uttered a few words, and your little one already has a long litany of rebuttals, dislikes, and complaints. Not all the time, though. At times, it’s still tolerable with a few words here and there.
Kids today talk like adults, often reprimanding their parents for some missteps. The sassiness and the audacity to talk back to parents aren’t a pleasant thing to see.
As such, we are encouraged to teach God’s Word to young children, as written in Deuteronomy 6:6-7 (NKJV): “And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.”
Allowing the teachings of Christ to shape the character of our little ones comes with a promise:
“All your children shall be taught by the Lord, And great shall be the peace of your children.” Isaiah 54:13 (NKJV)
However, no matter how often we read to them wise words from the Scripture, they will never be transformed into well-behaved, compassionate human beings if we’re not setting a good example. Let’s face it— how we live our everyday shapes their sense of right and wrong.
For example, my younger sister is trying to train my nephew how to show restraint when he’s provoked and adopt a positive disposition when things don’t go his way or he can’t get what he wants. But that got me thinking about the recent heated arguments she had with her hubby, prompting me to ask this uncomfortable question: “Okay, but didn’t your little one see you going off on your husband, having a full-on meltdown the other day when he failed to gas up upon returning home?” (Trust me, I asked this tricky question with a playful, silly face to keep things light to avoid offending her so the truth could actual sink in.)
Note: As a Christian family, we’ve made an agreement to correct one another (Matthew 18:15).
Children live what they see. Maybe we should consider these truths now and then:
-If our behavior runs contrary to what the Bible teaches, we’re never going to inspire our children to walk the path of kindness and grace.
-If we respect the people we live with, they will do the same. Sure, we're prone to snap when provoked, but we could at least try, no matter how many stumbles it would take.
-We’re not perfect. But God requires that we persevere in doing good.
Above all else, parents, let's remember: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV).
Photo Credit: ©Juliana Liebermann/Unsplash
