You're trying to get out the door and your 4-year-old gets upset when you don’t plan ahead and allow time and space to leave the house in an unhurried fashion. It’s been a hectic morning and you’re behind schedule and rushing your child to get in the car headed to your appointment. Before you know it, your precious 4-year-old is on the floor in a puddle of tears.
It’s a fact that in today’s family, life is busier than ever. Trying to manage our own overcrowded schedules and commitments makes it easy to overlook the smallest voices in our families – those of our youngest children. Yet, as Christian mothers and grandmothers, we are called to recognize and honor these small voices, valuing them as individuals created in God’s image.
From birth, children begin to develop an understanding of feelings. Your little one is picking up on how you respond to their social and emotional needs. Following your lead, they learn how to empathize and respond to the emotions of others. By listening and giving merit to what they say, you lay the foundation for their personal development and emotional safety.
Listening is a form of love. The Bible tells us in James 1:19, "Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger." This wisdom applies on many levels in our interactions with young children. When we take the time to listen to them, we demonstrate our love and respect. We show them that their thoughts and feelings are important, fostering their sense of self-worth and teaching them that they are valuable as people and members of the family.
Let’s look at how we can listen to our youngest family members:
One of the most important words that children learn is "no." While it can be frustrating for parents and grandparents to hear this word repeatedly, it's crucial to understand its significance. When a child says "no," they are expressing their independence and testing boundaries. It’s our responsibility as adults to regulate our own emotional responses and respond to our children and grandchildren with patience and understanding.
Children may say "no" and refuse to do things to make their own choices. It means they are learning what they like and don’t like and how to interact with others. They might say “no” because they are trying to express difficult feelings they don't understand.
Being overly excited, hungry, frustrated, or disappointed are just a few things that may cause young children to become dysregulated. These outward behaviors may result from feelings and thoughts that they don’t yet have language to express to others.
Teaching children how to use “no” in regard to their physical body is also very important. It's essential that children understand they have the right to control who touches them and how, starting from an early age. For instance, if a child says "no" to being tickled, chased, or hugged, it’s critical for adults to stop immediately and respect that boundary.
Ignoring their desire to stop can inadvertently communicate that their words, feelings, and bodily autonomy are not important. This can have negative effects on their self-esteem and cause them to question their ability to set boundaries and trust others in the future. Additionally, respecting their "no" affirms their sense of being in control of their own body, gives them confidence, and helps them feel safe and respected. This empowers children to communicate their boundaries clearly and confidently in various situations as they grow older.
In moments of urgency, it’s tempting to use force to make a child comply, such as picking them up and putting them in the car when they resist. However, this approach undermines their sense of autonomy and can lead to feelings of helplessness and resentment. Instead, attempting to understand the reasons behind their resistance can be more beneficial.
Engaging with children calmly and asking questions can uncover the underlying cause of their behavior. Perhaps they are feeling anxious about leaving a familiar place, or they might be tired or hungry. By addressing the root issue, we not only resolve the immediate situation more peacefully, but we also teach our children and grandchildren valuable lessons in communication and problem-solving.
The end result is a stronger relationship with your children and grandchildren where they are moving toward you in connection instead of away from you and disconnecting.
Honoring children’s feelings means taking time to validate and understand their emotions. This can be done in simple yet powerful ways:
1. Acknowledge Their Feelings
When a child expresses reluctance or says "no," acknowledge their emotions. For instance, “I see you’re upset about getting in the car. It looks like you want to continue playing with your toys.”
2. Ask Open-Ended Questions
Encourage them to share their thoughts by asking open-ended questions like, “What’s making you feel this way?” or “What would you like to do?”
3. Reflect Back What You Hear
Reflect their feelings back to them to show you understand. For example, “You don’t want to leave because you’re having fun with your toys. That makes sense.”
4. Offer Choices
Empower them by offering choices whenever possible. This can be as simple as, “Would you like to bring a toy with you in the car?” or “Would you like me to set a timer for 5 minutes, and then we’ll leave?”
By consistently listening to and valuing young children’s words, we build a foundation of trust and open communication. They learn that they can come to us with their thoughts and feelings, knowing they will be heard and respected. This trust is crucial as they grow older and face more complex challenges.
Proverbs 22:6 teaches us, "Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he grows older he will not abandon it.” By nurturing a relationship based on mutual respect and understanding from an early age, we guide our children and grandchildren in a path of loving interactions.
Our actions as parents and grandparents should reflect the love and compassion of Jesus. When we fully express the life we have in Christ, it shows up in love. Jesus said, “By this all people will know that you are My disciples: if you have love for one another” (John 13:35). By listening to our children and grandchildren and valuing their words, we are not only loving them but also living out the teachings of Christ.
It’s understandable that modern life can be hectic, and taking the time to engage with a child's every concern may seem daunting. However, even small steps can make a significant difference:
Set Aside Dedicated Time
Carve out specific times during the day when you can give your child or grandchild undivided attention, even if it’s just for a few minutes.
Use Everyday Moments
Utilize routine activities like car rides, meal times, and bedtime as opportunities for meaningful conversation and connection.
Model Active Listening
Show your children and grandchildren what active listening looks like by maintaining eye contact, nodding, and responding thoughtfully to their words.
Listening to and valuing our youngest family members is not merely about managing behavior or avoiding conflict. It is about nurturing their spirits, fostering their growth, and building a foundation of love and trust. By honoring their words and emotions, we teach them that they matter and that they are loved and respected.
As Christian moms and grandmothers, we have the profound responsibility and privilege to reflect God’s love in our interactions with our children and grandchildren. Let’s embrace this role with patience, compassion, and a willingness to listen, knowing that in doing so, we are helping to shape the hearts and minds of the next generation.
Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Anastasiia Boriagina
Renee Bethel, author of Finding Me: A Woman’s Guide to Learning More About Herself, is a Professional Christian Life Coach and a Certified Enneagram Coach. Her passion lies in guiding growth-minded Christian moms towards embracing their identity in Christ and finding freedom in the finished work of Jesus. If you're ready to change the way you view yourself and your place in the world, join her FREE 31-Day Challenge to Embrace Your Identity in Christ.