You prepare your body for the baby for roughly ten months (40 weeks) or an adoption process that can span even longer as you assimilate a child into your home. But how much do we prepare our minds for the rest of our lives in how we see ourselves as a mom? No one really talks about preparing for the mental acknowledgment of being a parent, not just in the moment but in the years ahead.
If you think about it, becoming a mom is one of, if not the main job, that no one gives you a career test or a pass/fail test ahead of time to make sure you’re suitable for the job. Think about it! You prepare your body for the baby for roughly ten months (40 weeks) or an adoption process that can span even longer as you assimilate a child into your home. But how much do we prepare our minds for the rest of our lives in how we see ourselves as a mom? No one really talks about preparing for the mental acknowledgment of being a parent, not just in the moment but in the years ahead. The thoughts and emotions that come into your mind as you grow with your children.
If someone had told me that I’d get less consistent sleep in the early years and then stay up and think about their future in the young adult years, I think, as a person who values their sleep, I might have said, “Oh, that won’t happen to me. My kids will sleep because they will pick up on my sleep habits. I’ll be able to sleep through anything.” Little did I know that each child is very different and has their own internal clock, and mine would get turned upside down thinking about how I could have handled something differently with them.
There are areas in our mind that we think will go a certain way, and we aren’t mentally prepared when it doesn’t go according to how we see it. And that’s where I think it’s hard to adjust from what you expect to the reality of how much you are continually thinking about your kids.
It has come down to 5 (and there are probably more!) things that I wish someone had told me before becoming a mom. Do any of these sound true for you?
1. If you think you are a giving person, your giving will be tested when you give your all to your children. I saw my selfishness come out in my attitude at times.
2. Lack of attending to your needs and children who need you can cause frustration when you don’t get what you need to show up well for your family. I learned that asking for help is wise, not weak.
3. You will stretch in ways you didn’t know you’d need to: you will teach your children lessons, but they will teach you far more than you can teach them.
4. Time with friends will not be as plentiful as you become your kids’ chauffeur, but time with friends will keep you going between your trips with your kids.
5. When you feel like you don’t know the answer to something, you aren’t supposed to know all the answers. When you ask God, he will give you what you need. Not always what you want, but always what you need.
Motherhood seemed easy for my mom. I never understood how much she did for me and my brother until I became a mom. I heard the phrase: “The days are long, but the years are short,” and it is true! Looking back now that my children are teens, I appreciate the days when they were home more and needed me more physically. Now, they come to me more to share or gain support, or talk about something they are going through. I love the time of picking them up from school or taking them to an early morning practice.
The moments together mean even more than when they were small because I know that one day, they will be out on their own, and I won’t get to have as many of these conversations with them. If someone had told me that letting them gain their independence would bring some sadness, I would have said, “Oh, that’s to be expected,” but I didn’t know how much I would love my children as young adults and how much I’d rather spend time with them (and their dad) than just about anyone else. I didn’t know that I could grow so attached to young people that I’m supposed to be letting go as they get older.
People have said to me, “When kids are in their teen years, that’s when it’s the hardest.” I’ve not found that to be true unless you’re talking about the stress they endure and how it affects you—and wanting them not to hurt and have all they need or hope for. But I have found that the teen years have brought us into a friendship that I hope and pray will last a lifetime.
If someone told me my heart could expand to love three children, I would have said, “How is that possible?” But now I see that they are three distinct individuals who have loved me through my parenting failures, embarrassing things I’ve said in front of their friends, and my attempt to have dance parties in the kitchen. They have loved me through my efforts to show them that the gifts and skills inside them will become visible on the outside by others who affirm them as they grow up and out of our home.
I hope they remember how much I love them because I know I’ll remember how deeply I love them, which no one could have prepared me for.
What have you learned about being a mom that you didn’t expect? What thoughts is God showing you about your motherhood?
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55: 8-9 (NIV)
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