There is some truth for you that can help you on this journey. Some things that can remind you that God chose you to love your child with extra care, extra patience, and extra grief.
For the mommas of the kids who need special love, this is for you.
I’ll be honest, I am new to this club. It’s a club you don’t necessarily anticipate joining. Most expect our bundles of joy to be fully functioning and healthy people. Yet, life rarely goes how we hope. Genetics are a gamble, and sometimes, the roll of the dice brings us outstanding humans whose brains or bodies function differently than the majority of their peers of the same age. Others of us join this club because the loss has changed the brains of the children we have chosen to love. Early childhood trauma interferes with the healthy development of a child's brain, making life sometimes harder for kids who have experienced heavy things.
Your burden can feel unseen. The many ways you accommodate, plan, prepare, research, wait, pray, hope, learn, teach, and give are known only to you. Sometimes, this kind of parenting feels like more than you have the strength for. Your failures in your mind can number more than the wins. The work to understand who your child is and what their brain is experiencing can appear endless. Grace upon grace is required to be this kind of mom.
The stories you tell about what you’ve been through as you’ve learned on this journey might scare away a less seasoned parent. You’ve been there. You’ve seen things. You’ve fought for your kid. You’ve been to more appointments than others would be able to comprehend. You’ve sat in meetings, heard things said about your child that put your stomach in knots, and felt helpless to set right the things that feel so wrong about the world you are living in.
There is some truth for you that can help you on this journey. Some things that can remind you that God chose you to love your child with extra care, extra patience, and extra grief.
1. You Need a Tribe
Once you find that you're in over your head, you need others to share the load with. This is true in all parenting but especially true when you are loving a child that requires extra care. Determine what your team needs to look like. Is it a therapist? Babysitter? School staff? Trusted friends? Family? You need to share the load. Every mom needs a helping hand, most especially you.
This tribe should also include those who have walked this road before you. Reach out to moms who have heard the same words spoken over their children. Who understands what a diagnosis entails. Talk to those who have stepped into a story that includes heartbreaking trauma and loss. The ones who have spent the nights up searching the internet for ideas, tips, research, therapies, medications, and prognosis. You need people who have been there on your team because it’s hard to tell someone what you are living. There is power in a shared set of experiences.
I can connect with my friend who is parenting a child with autism because she has gone before me in navigating the nuances of walking alongside a kid whose brain works differently. I can share my heart with another adoptive mom because we know how we hold together joy and grief right beside each other in our hands every day. I can connect with families that don’t follow the normal rules, who stand out because our family now begs questions from onlookers everywhere we go. It’s good to know you're not alone.
2. God Made You Their Mom on Purpose
It’s easy, at least for me, to doubt that I truly am the best mom for my kids. This could be because my last two kids are joining our family through adoption, so the enemy wants me to doubt that I am up for the task of loving them the way they deserve to be loved. But I think we all can wonder why we are given certain joys and burdens from time to time.
Yet, God promises that he is working things together for our good (Romans 8:28). He also tells us that he is the maker of life and knows our stories even before we are born (Psalm 139:14). 1 Corinthians 2:1-5 tells us that he equips the called! That means he gives us the tools we need on the journey. Just because you feel inadequate now doesn’t mean that God is not preparing you for the work he has for you.
All of motherhood for me has been a journey of growth. I labored through giving birth to my three biological children. Fumbled through raising three toddlers while struggling with my own limitations. The joy and the struggle of those early years taught me so much that I rely on daily as a foster and adoptive mother. It’s amazing how God pulls on all our experiences to prepare us for the call he has placed on our lives. Nothing is wasted!
You are the best mom for your child. God has not made a mistake. He will carry you through this sometimes dark journey for his glory. Rely on his grace and continue to press into his presence. He will care for you and your young.
3. There Is Beauty in All Things
The world wants to tell us that brokenness equals hopelessness. That unhealthy equals devastation. That different abilities equals unlovable. The push to abort children who have been diagnosed with disabilities is evidenced that our culture prefers ability over life. Our society even says we should take the lives of children, through abortion, of children who are at risk of experiencing trauma through foster care. We are being sold the lie that life is only valuable when things go “right.”
What I’ve seen is that there is immeasurable beauty in loving through the complexity of disability, trauma, loss, and more. It may not be easy, but we are not called to live easy lives. We are here to love God’s whole creation, even as it groans under the weight of sin and death, with our whole beings. We are his light in this dark place. That means as we choose to love our children who are suffering, struggling, who may be labeled odd, who have medical complexities, who have experienced brain-changing trauma, who have been born with a label, we are being light-bringers! Because God loves our kids even more than we do. There is unspeakable peace, joy, grace, and hope that fills our home as we walk through the hard with Jesus at our side. Don’t believe the lie that joy is not possible in our struggle, pain, or in our differences. Joy is with us always.
In our storms, God promises to cover us with his feathers, like a momma hen (Psalm 91:4). When you feel you're growing weary, rest on your nurturing Maker. His grace is sufficient to meet our needs.
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