Before my husband and I wed, people told me I’d not only be marrying my husband, but also his family. If you're married, you likely understand how true this is. Maybe it’s been a wonderful experience for you, but if it’s fraught with tension and frustration, you’re not alone. When a mother-in-law is critical of every move you make, it can stress an entire family out.
Before you read further, one note: a critical mother-in-law isn’t the same as a cruel or abusive one. With the former, there is room for growth and an opportunity for you to examine your own heart motives. With the latter, what is almost certainly needed are healthy boundaries put in place as soon as possible, and professional help.
With that being said, what do you do when you have a critical mother-in-law? Here are ten ideas to help you repair, strengthen and build up your relationship with your mother-in-law.
One of the most important tools we have in our spiritual arsenal is our ability to talk to our Father. I am convinced in Heaven we will see the true impact that our prayers—whether answered or unanswered—had on earth. Ask God not only to change her attitude to a more positive one, but pray that God will change you to offer more grace, instead of condemnation when she becomes too critical.
Prayer connects us to God and to others in a more intimate way. As you pray for your mother-in-law consistently, you’ll find you see her in a new light. Her critical spirit may not annoy you as much, and you will begin to see her as Jesus sees her— as his daughter, wholly and dearly loved.
Sometimes mothers-in-law are critical because they miss spending quality time (or any time) with their child. When couples get married, the family dynamic shifts. No longer are children’s immediate families their priority. Instead, the new family takes precedence, which may cause jealousy and envy. Give your spouse and his mom the chance to spend time together. Whether it’s as simple as giving them space to talk privately, or as much as opening up an afternoon for an outing together, it will give your mother-in-law a chance to savor the time she gets with her son and may increase her respect level for you as well.
What does your mother-in-law like to do? How does she spend her time? Time with her child is important, but she might also love to spend time with you. Do you have anything in common? Any shared hobbies? Try finding something you both enjoy and asking her to participate with you.
Splurge and get your nails done together or go out for lunch. No matter what you decide, make sure it is something you enjoy doing together. She may start the outing by criticizing everything, but she may wind up finding you have more in common than you think, and you may find the only person she doesn’t criticize is you.
Mothers with critical spirits have formed a bad habit of offering their opinions (mostly negative) about the world around them. This can stem from previous hurts and other neglect in their lives. Are you able to keep that in mind, exercise some empathy, and try encouraging her? It can be as simple as writing her a lovely note with a Bible verse or emailing her a quick hello.
If you and your mother-in-law don’t get along, you could start by thanking her for raising your future husband. Your husband has good qualities that you fell in love with. By reflecting on those qualities and thanking her for her hard work in raising him, not only will she feel appreciated, but it may renew your love for your husband as well.
One way to change someone’s mind is to simply model better behavior. It will be tempting when your mother in law is griping to want to join her in your complaints. But modeling good behavior is a better way to change bad habits. Strive to say only positive things when she is around. Be slow to anger. Be patient with her and your children, and your spouse. Forgive easily. Love when possible. Even if it doesn’t change her attitude, others will benefit from your positive behavior and you will grow in Christ-like behavior because of it.
Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. Colossians 4:6 says grace can be the salt we season every conversation with which we participate. As we live our lives as Christians, we should always live full of grace, opting to understand people rather than condemn them and loving rather than neglecting or ignoring them.
Treat your mother-in-law as you would yourself. If you want someone to treat you with grace, then treat her with the same level of grace. It’s the way Jesus would treat her, and we should do the same.
Ephesians 4:15 says, “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.” We are not only called to love one another, but we are called to speak into each other’s lives with the truth so that we can help each other grow spiritually. This applies to your family members as well. When we love others, we will speak truth to them. Although it’s not easy to speak the truth to someone close to you, keep in mind what is at stake: a critical spirit can be detrimental to your mother-in-law’s spiritual life.
Do your best to have the conversation in private and sandwiched with grace and love. Start with encouraging her on all the wonderful things she does, then graciously talk about some of the ways her critical spirit has negatively impacted you. She may take it well, but you also take the chance she won’t. If she doesn’t take it well, prepare with a follow-up conversation to keep lines of communication open.
It is easy to love those that are easy to love, but what about those whose attitudes are less than Christian? One of the hardest fruits of the Spirit to cultivate is love because it requires us to put our thoughts and selves aside and put others ahead of ourselves.
Loving your mother-in-law like your own mother is a great witness to the transformative work God has done in your life. Keep in mind that love is a choice, not a feeling – we choose to love, even when we don’t feel loving toward certain people.
Often, criticism and negativity are rooted in hurt and pain from the past that has gone unprocessed. You may have married into the family, but you don’t know her as a person. Take the time to get to know her story. She may not offer this information without asking. Simply ask, “tell me about yourself. Tell me about my husband’s family.”
Can the two of you engage in a Bible study together, or read a book together that might help her with her critical spirit? You may not have to directly state she is too critical, but perhaps you can invite her to your small group or do a weekly Bible study together.
Some areas you can study are how to be more thankful, how to get rid of a religious spirit or how to integrate encouragement into everyday lives. You can still have an impact on her life without explicitly mentioning her criticalness and help her in the process.
You’ll learn about her life, but you’ll also learn about your husband’s background and how he grew up which contributed to the man he became. Learning her story shows you care about her and value her as a woman and separate from her family.
Although your mother-in-law is not your mother by blood, she is your mother by marriage. Regardless of her attitude with you, you can control your attitude towards her. Forgive the comments she has made that hurt you. Treat her the way you would want to be treated but don’t be afraid to challenge her. Just as Jesus challenges his children because he loves them, so should you also challenge her because you love her too.