Whether conscious or subconscious, many single women have a list. It may begin in the early years of her development as she imagines who her husband will be. By adolescence, she may have crafted creative ways to determine where they will live, how many kids they will have, and what car they will drive. Once she finally reaches adulthood, she probably has a working draft of the infamous and sometimes self-sabotaging list that lays out the non-negotiable traits she wants in a man.
Handsome features, a well-paying job, and a good sense of humor often top the list of desirable characteristics. These popular qualities, however, only skim the surface. These limited criteria are likely to disqualify several good men from the running. In an effort to broaden the scope of non-negotiables, here are 10 qualities in a good man that women often overlook.
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1. A Patient Man
King Solomon succeeded his father David on the throne. He is considered the wisest man that ever lived, and his wisdom is described as greater than all the men in the East and in all of Egypt (1 Kings 4:30). Regarding patience, he offered invaluable wisdom in Proverbs 14:29: “Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly.”
If there ever was a quality a single woman should want in her potential mate, it should be patience. This trait requires time to truly observe, as he may be trying to impress you in the early days of your relationship.
Time is one of life’s greatest teachers. If he is an impatient man, eventually you will see it. How does he respond in traffic? How does he handle the grocery store checkout line when he’s hungry? How does he respond when someone tells him “no”? As you answer these questions, his patience, or the lack of it, will come to light.
A man who is patient in life will display this same patience when it comes to his wife. Marriage is filled with all types of delays: personal, financial, and parental, to name a few. Although marriage has its share of challenges, tackling them with a patient man can make the experience all the more bearable.
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2. A Frugal Man
I recently sat across the table from a woman I admired. She has a loving husband, four beautiful children and runs a successful small business. As I listened to her wisdom, I was shocked when she shared a story of financial struggle in her marriage.
She described a time when their income suddenly evaporated after the 2008 recession. Overnight their lifestyle changed: forcing them to make drastic changes in their spending habits. As she recounted her frustration with this season that lasted years, I will never forget what she said about her husband in his absence, “I know we were able to survive because my husband was frugal.”
Wow, what a compliment! She attributed the financial sustenance of their family to his ability to live beneath his means. This character quality will probably never be mentioned in Cosmopolitan magazine.
Often, as women, we may want the man to roll out the proverbial red carpet. It is a natural desire to want to be wooed with gifts and treats on a date, but it may be financially unrealistic for the man to maintain. If he opts for a frugal date night option, he may be demonstrating a quality that could one day mean the difference between a balanced checkbook and an overdrawn one. Proverbs 27:23 says, “Know well the condition of your flocks, and give attention to your herds.” This passage is telling us a wise man knows the condition of his finances and governs himself accordingly.
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3. A Man Who Manages His Time Well
You can tell a lot about what people value by how they spend their time. A man who wastes time while he is single will waste time when he is married. This is not to say that he should always be working but it is to say he should have a firm grasp on how short and precious time is. A man who uses his time well will not waste yours. This is illustrated in Psalm 90:12 that says, “Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”
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4. A Humble Man
When it comes to the strength of a man, humility is not often the first description you think of. On the contrary, you might focus on physical strength and stamina. Culture generally views brawn as a desirable quality in a man, but humility is also a type of strength.
In fact, Jesus displayed this quality throughout his earthly ministry. Countless times he willingly laid his life down for humanity. In Matthew 23:11 Jesus said, “The greatest among you will be your servant.”
In today’s overwhelmingly selfish climate, a humble man stands out. When you contrast his humility against pride, it is admirable and compelling. This is a quality you want in a man.
A humble man will lay down his life for you. He will consider your needs over his own. A humble man will honor his wife above himself. This is a trait you don’t want to pass up in a potential mate.
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5. A Transformed Man
It may be tempting to check the church box off the list when you know a man has his name on a church roster. Church attendance, however, is not enough. What you should truly desire in a man is heart transformation.
James 1:23-24 says, “For anyone who hears the word but does not carry it out is like a man who looks at his faced in a mirror and after observing himself goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.”
A man who allows God’s word to impact the condition of his heart will be one God can communicate to when you can’t. Don’t settle for mere church attendance when it comes to a man. Look for a man who is actively being changed by God’s word to where it is evident in his life and character.
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6. A Man Who Knows and Pursues His Purpose
Another quality easily overlooked is that of the pursuit of purpose. This is not equivalent to climbing the corporate ladder. A man who pursues his purpose may opt to not pursue the path leading to power and prestige.
A man who pursues his God-ordained purpose has a career path governed by his relationship with the Lord. You want a man who is submitted to God’s purposes for his life because that is what will prevail, as it says in Proverbs 19:21: “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” If he knows what God is calling him to do, it will be easy for you to determine whether his purpose is one you are willing to follow until death do you part.
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7. A Man Who Is a Lifelong Learner
A teachable man is willing to admit he does not know everything. He is open to growth and becoming a better person as he gains wisdom and understanding. This is the same advice King Solomon gives in Proverbs 4:7. “Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding.”
This type of lifelong learning will impact his interactions with you and others. He will seek to understand rather than to be understood. His pursuit of knowledge and understanding is a desirable trait that must not be overlooked.
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8. A Man with Integrity
During the honeymoon stages of dating, most people do their best to display their best self, striving to be well-put together and polite. After the honeymoon period ends, a person’s true character begins to rise out of the initial presentation.
A man of integrity is the same person in public and in private. He chooses to be governed by a moral compass established by God rather than the ever-changing values of the culture. He lives uprightly as it says in Proverbs 11:3, “The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity.”
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9. A Man Who Cares For His Mother
Observing how a man treats his mother, or other women in his life, is a window into how he will treat you. This is because any unresolved conflict with a parent is likely to be redirected towards the spouse, knowingly and unknowingly. For this reason, a woman should observe a man’s interactions with his mother.
Is he patient with her? Does he help with what she may not understand? Does he care for her when she is ill or unable to care for herself? His behavior is a great indicator for how he will treat you. Exodus 20:12 says, “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.” A decision to honor his mother, no matter the type of mother he has, speaks highly of his character.
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10. A Man Who Is Persistent
Another quality that may be overlooked is a man’s persistence. A man who exhibits grit and tenacity in the face of obstacles will be able to lead his wife and family through adverse circumstances. You do not need a man who will crumble in the face of hardship and disappointments, because marriage is filled with them.
Galatians 6:9 reminds us not to become weary in when it says, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” A man who takes this to heart has cultivated the quality of persistence, and should not be overlooked.
Kia Stephens is a wife and homeschooling mama of two who is passionate about helping women know God as Father. For this reason, she created The Father Swap Blog to be a source of encouragement, healing, and practical wisdom for women dealing with the effects of a physically or emotionally absent father. Each week through practical and biblically sound teaching she encourages women to exchange father wounds for the love of God the Father. For more encouragement download Kia's free ebooks, Hope for the Woman With Father Wounds and Forgiveness Hacks: 5 Strategies to Help You Forgive. Additionally, you can connect with Kia on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest.
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Originally published Friday, 29 March 2019.
