Marriage is sacred. It’s blessed and holy. It’s life-changing. It’s awe-inspiring. It’s a beautiful depiction of Christ’s love for the church. It’s fun. But….let’s be honest. It can be hard. Really hard. The divorce rates in the United States have held at approximately 50% for the last two decades, depending on which reports you believe. Sadly, the numbers don’t vary much from Christian to non-Christian homes. The challenges married couples face are many.
We know Satan’s plan for marriage is to attack, destroy, and divide. He wants to create distrust, where there once was harmony. He wants to create discontentment, where there once was joy. He is masterful at such things. It’s kind of his specialty, guys. That’s why we have to be intentional about fighting for our marriages.
For married couples, God intends the most fulfilling relationship (outside of our relationship with Christ) we will ever have to be with our spouse. There is no other relationship on the planet that will require as much from you or give as much to you.
Husbands, we want you to succeed. We want to encourage and equip you. As I began writing this guide to the top 10 things every husband should do for his wife, I realized that many of those tips are reversible to the wife’s role, as well. So, wives, take note! You aren’t off the hook on this one.
1. Listen.
We want to talk! According to a recent study by Scientific American, men speak approximately 7,000 words per day, while their counterparts speak three times that many, at roughly 20,000 words per day. It’s just how God made us. Yes, we can be babbling brooks. Yes, some of what we talk about isn’t very important, but it’s important to us. We want you to hear what we are saying. We want you to do so without the game on or the cell phone in hand or the newspaper afoot. We need to be heard. This is where intimacy is built. This is where love grows.
Want to think about this more? In her article, 10 Signs Your Wife Desperately Needs You to Listen to Her, Jen Ferguson shares ten warning signs that your wife needs more time to talk to you. Jen writes, "Listening—and really hearing—your spouse is critical to your marriage, and honestly, to her wellbeing. If you notice these behaviors in your spouse and are unsure of how to tune into her, it’s more than okay to ask for help from your pastor, a counselor, or trusted friend. Even the small step of acknowledging the communication gap between you goes a long way in the road of relationship repair."
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2. Lead.
God created man to be the head of household. He divinely positioned you there. This isn’t offensive to us, as women. We honor God’s plan for the family, but we need you to lead. We want you to lead. We actually do want to follow. If you don’t lead, we feel the need to do so ourselves, and you ultimately feel bulldozed and often emasculated. Take the lead. Be involved in the day-to-day with the bills, kids, chores, and events. Seek God for His will for your family, and communicate it well to your team.
Ron Edmondson, in his article, 7 Things Husbands Need to Know about Their Wives, says this about men taking the lead. "At least occasionally. I know all the women’s rights issues cloud this for you. It can be confusing, but there’s likely something in your wife just waiting for you to make a decision. She values your input, and she wants you to lead in the home as well as she sees that you can lead elsewhere. And speaking on behalf of men, I know you don’t always want to be the leader. She’s better at making many of the decisions than you are. Still, she’s waiting—hoping, that you’ll step up where you need to lead."
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3. Caress.
We need to be loved and touched and simply hugged at the end of a long day. We need to know that not every touch is intended to lead to sex. (We sometimes resent that). We want to know that you simply want to rub our shoulders and sympathize with the challenges we’ve faced at work or with the kids’ school or during our volunteer adventures for the week. A hand-holding or hug will go a long way towards our willingness to be led.
In her article, 10 Things that Will Make Your Marriage Last through the Hard Times, Nylse Esahc says this about the power of physical touch. "Sometimes everything seems so much better with a tender touch in the small of your back, a thumb that circles your hand as you hold hands or a hug. One of those all-encompassing hugs that screams love; and if these hugs lead to greater intimacy that’s fine also. Physical touch and connection let’s each other know that you’re still there and that you’re both important to each other."
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4. Be a godly example to his wife and children.
Read your Bible with the family. Host family devotionals. Attend church regularly. Far too many wives are attending church on Sundays and sitting alone, while the husband foregoes his responsibility to lead the family by godly example. We need you with us in church. Be gentle and slow to anger. Be quick to forgive. Attend men’s nights or fellowships at your local church. These things matter.
If you think your marriage could benefit from a retreat-like reset but you don't have the funds to go on a retreat, check out these 25 Christian Marriage Resources to help your marriage thrive again.
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5. Date.
Remember when you used to buy us flowers when we were dating? Do that again. Surprise us. Plan a couples evening or get-away with romantic details. Let us know that the most important part of your life is us. Like you, we want to be desired. We want to know that we still have “it”. We want to know that the years of bearing children, cleaning dishes, and scrubbing toilets haven’t diminished our beauty or your desire for us.
If you're looking for some great date night ideas, check out this helpful post:
How to Rekindle Date Night Romance (When You Have Nothing to Talk About)
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6. Pray.
Pray over the children at night. Pray with your wife each morning. Pray when there are challenges. Pray when there are reasons to celebrate. Let your wife see you're praying alone. Seek God. Seek Him in all you do, every day. Pray without ceasing that you may lead with confidence and godly authority. When we pray, we develop a deeper intimacy with our Savior. We feel connected. We’re able to more clearly discern plans for our family. Pray often.
Want to jump-start your prayer life for your marriage? Check out our 30 Days of Prayer for Your Marriage challenge.
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7. Budget.
One of the primary reasons for divorce is that couples are not on the same page financially. There is a natural bent for the husband or wife to take over the finances, dependent on skill sets, personality traits, and time available to do so. But no matter who writes the checks or handles the payment of obligations, both husband and wife should have realistic and honest discussions about what can be spent, where, and when.
There must be mutual respect to honor those financial boundaries, as well. When things get tough, there needs to be an open dialogue between spouses about what isn’t working and what is, plans for improvement, and any frustrations that involve finances in the marriage.
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8. Communicate.
We need to know what you are thinking. Yes, we want to be heard and sometimes be able to ramble on and on about the mundane of life, but we also want to hear your fears, hopes, dreams. We want to hear what you had for lunch today, what happened at work, and what your favorite sports team is doing. Don’t let an issue fester. Tell us!
If you feel like miscommunication is an issue in your marriage, you're not alone. In her article 10 Things Every Couple Fights About (And How to Work Through Them), Laura Rennie shares triggers that can keep communication from being productive: "Miscommunication is frustrating. And it’s even more discouraging when you are trying so hard to please your spouse, but you’re still failing. For us, this fight tends to occur when one (or both) of us is experiencing lack of sleep, stress at work, or we feel disconnected from one another. What often works for us is choosing to let frustration go. It’s simply not worth holding on to."
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9. Endure.
Remain steadfast in all you do. Endure at the job, even when it is hard. We need the income. Endure when we are cranky and sometimes unbearable or whiney or complain too much. Fight for the marriage, when brokenness or hurt has crept in. Endure until the end.
Grace P. Cho shares this encouraging thought about endurance in her piece, 10 Things I Wish I Knew before Marriage. She writes, "The wedding day is only the beginning of two becoming one. The process of oneness is a lifelong investment of hard work and grace. It is a constant grinding against one another’s rough edges. At times, it’s painfully sanctifying, yet it leads to depth in understanding one another and experiencing the gospel through forgiveness and grace; resulting in beauty and love. In other words, the reward is Christ. The journey we begin at the altar starts with Christ and ends with Christ. "
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10. Confess.
We all have fallen short of God’s glory. We’ve all failed. We have sordid pasts that created pain that we regret. And we continue to fail every day, which is why we need God’s grace. James 5:16 tells us to confess our sins one to another. There is safety in the marriage to do that. More importantly, not confessing will grow into a huge amount of division and guilt, condemnation and shame, that will further create a wedge in the marriage. (Wives, this means you have to be willing to listen without judgment and quick to forgive, when a failure involves you). When we confess, we heal.
Jennifer Maggio has been married for more than 15 years. She and her husband share 3 beautiful children. She is a national author and speaker, who founded a national nonprofit, The Life of a Single Mom Ministries. She has written 4 books and has been a frequent guest in media venues, including Dr. James Dobson’s Family Talk Radio Show, The 700 Club, and The New York Times. For more information, visit www.jennifermaggio.com.
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Originally published Tuesday, 05 June 2018.
