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How often do wives ponder things that their husbands should do differently? When emotions get heated and frustrations bubble over, it takes little to no effort to list the other person’s shortcomings. After all, focusing on areas where he needs to grow feels justified when you’re hurting.
But in a healthy marriage, is that really the cycle we want to create? Do we really want to be wives who are so busy criticizing the imperfections in our husbands that we fail to intentionally grow ourselves?
Today we will look at 10 important ways wives can support their husbands. This is certainly not an all inclusive list, and I would never claim to be a marriage expert. I still struggle to implement myself.
These are simply 10 of the top things I’ve learned over the years from people wiser than me.
1. Listen with a genuine heart.
When your husband speaks, really listen. Remember, you married your best friend and the matters of his heart need to be important to you. Even if you don’t agree with everything he says. Even if you don’t understand where he’s coming from all the time or the topic he’s interested in isn’t that interesting to you. Really listen. Show him love by giving him your focused attention, caring about what he has to say, and genuinely listening when he speaks.
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2. Give him time to himself.
When our husbands finally walk in the door from work or have a weekend off, we often hope they will pour their time into being present at home. But just like wives, husbands need time to recharge. They need time to be alone, fellowship with other Godly men, rest, exercise, and put their talents to use outside of work.
Talk with your husband to see where he needs some time, then work together to create that healthy space for him.
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3. Encourage him.
Do the words you speak lift your husband up or tear him down? I personally find that encouraging my husband is easier to do when he’s discouraged from something outside of the home. If he has a difficult day at work, it’s easy to offer reassurance and empathy.
But what happens when a challenge arises at home and he doesn’t accept responsibility for his part in the problem?
Oftentimes, those moments require more effort to intentionally speak encouraging words, especially if I’m still feeling leftover anger, sizzling under the surface. But the words we choose to speak are powerful. Ultimately, I must decide whether to use words that leave him discouraged by his imperfections or encouraged to continue growing with me by his side.
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4. Respect him.
Men need to feel respected. It’s a huge part of how they feel loved, so I’ve been told numerous times by more experienced couples.
How do you regularly show your respect for him as a leader in your home and the one you trust to care for your heart?
Now and then I have to straight up ask my husband, “What can I do to show you I respect you?” You would think, after knowing him for 16 years, I should have this down by now. But often I’m confident that I’m relaying my respect for him, only to find out the message is not actually getting through on his end.
Some days he simply needs to hear me say, “I just wanted to remind you that I love and respect you. Thanks for everything you do for us!” Other times, it means giving him space to make decisions without me second-guessing whether he made the best choice. Find what works best for your husband and put in the effort to help fill this need.
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5. Speak the truth in love.
Honesty and open communication are crucial in a healthy marriage. If something causes problems, it’s important to address it rather than sweep it under the rug. In these moments, learning to speak the truth in love can make a tremendous difference.
How can we practically do this in the heat of the moment? Choose to speak with kindness when you’d rather scream. Thank your husband for the things he does well and tactfully present your concerns to him—even when you feel hurt, angry, or disappointed. Keep all name-calling and belittling terms out of the discussion. Ultimately, let patience and love guide your words. Once you explain what is bothering you, be sure to give your husband time to do the same.
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6. Do things he finds fun.
Even if you and your husband share similar interests, there are bound to be things he finds fun that don’t interest you. Be willing to do those things with him anyway.
Is there somewhere he loves to go that you find really boring? Go with him and find out why he likes it so much. Does he have favorite music that drives you nuts? Listen to it anyway. Do some of his favorite shows and movies make you roll your eyes or fall asleep? Sit by his side and watch them anyway.
Be willing to partake in those areas of his life that aren’t super interesting to you and do it without complaining. Your actions will show him that you love him.
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7. Take care of yourself so you aren’t completely drained.
This one is hard, I know. You run a million miles a day meeting the different demands that are placed on you. You feel burnt out and exhausted beyond belief. As much as self-care sounds nice, you can’t imagine where it could fit into your life. Somewhere in there, you’ve got to prioritize taking care of yourself emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. If you live in a perpetual state of being drained, you will not be able to fully show up for your marriage. Take care of yourself, and your marriage will reap the benefits.
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8. Forgive as Christ forgives you.
When you need to forgive your husband, remember God’s grace covers your mistakes. Forgiveness doesn’t make whatever your husband did okay. It doesn’t take away the hurt. But it’s an important step in reconciling the relationship and refusing to let sin have the last word in your marriage.
Your husband is not perfect, and neither are you. You are two imperfect people desperately in need of God’s grace. Rather than letting your spouse’s actions be the deciding factor in whether you choose to forgive, let Christ’s love lead you instead.
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9. Learn his love language.
Are you showing your husband love the way you want to be loved or the way he wants to be loved?
Take time to study your spouse. Ask him how he feels the most loved, take his response to heart, and make those things a priority in your daily life. It takes more work than just doing what comes naturally to you, but your husband is worth the effort.
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10. Pray for him.
Lastly, we all need to intentionally pray for our husbands. Be a prayer warrior for your husband and bring the needs of his heart before God in prayer. This practice will help keep you in tune with your husband’s needs, and it will better equip you to respond like Christ during the difficult days.
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Originally published Wednesday, 07 March 2018.
