Have you ever wondered how to move a friendship from casual acquaintances to deeply connected friends? It often seems like an overwhelming task, but sometimes it is so much simpler than we think!
Have you ever wondered how to move a friendship from casual acquaintances to deeply connected friends? It often seems like an overwhelming task, but sometimes it is so much simpler than we think!
The old cliché holds true. To make a friend, you must first be a friend. Simply shifting our mentality off of ourselves and onto our friends can be the first and most important step to moving into more meaningful relationships.
We can get caught up in our own wants and needs and become too self-focused when we are building friendships. Our minds often become consumed with thoughts about what we are doing and saying, what our friend thinks of us, and how we can “win” over our new friend.
Photo Credit: © Getty Images
The Mindset of a Better Friend
This kind of self-focused mindset isn’t helpful at all! Instead, we can choose to prioritize listening to, getting to know, and connecting with the person we want to build a deeper relationship with.
Luke 6:31 NIV says this another way: “Do to others as you would have them do to you.”
This seems so elementary, but in a culture that has trained us to DO and GO and focus on US, just taking the time to BE with someone and listening to them can be the best gift we can offer them. This shows our friends that we truly care about them, that we put value on really knowing their hearts and minds, and that we cherish time spent with them.
Photo Credit: © Getty Images/rawpixel
Consider this. The people in your life that make you feel the most special and whom you enjoy the most are those people who seem to care about you. They have taken the time to know you, to invest in a relationship with you, and they make an effort to show you that you matter to them.
We all want to be seen, to be known, to be heard, and to be cared for. Instead of spending our time and energy seeking those things, what might it look like if we shifted our perspective a bit and focused on making someone else feel seen, known, heard, and cared for?
Doing Friendship Jesus' Way
If we look at Jesus, we know that this was the approach he took to build meaningful relationships. He never focused on what he could get out of a relationship or how his own needs could be met. His attention is always on meeting the needs of those he is in relationship with.
During his time on Earth, he was the master of taking the time to pause and really see someone. He asked questions to get to the heart of the people he encountered. He listened and reminded people of the way they were loved and valued by God. He still focuses on those same things. He offers us the opportunity to be fully seen, known, heard, and cared for.
We are his dearly loved friend, and as the ultimate example of how a friend should love, he put our needs and our desires over his own. He was called a friend of sinners and as such, he was willing to sacrifice everything for his friends. Because we love him and follow him, we should be willing to do the same for our friends.
In John 15:12-14 Jesus said this, “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command.”
If we want to model that same kind of relationship-building model that prioritizes other people, we can shift our focus off of ourselves and onto our friends. An easy way to do that is to ask questions that will help us show our friends how much we enjoy just being with them listening to them, and getting to know them better.
It isn’t as difficult as it seems. Send a text and invite that friend that you have been wanting to get to know better out to coffee. Show them that knowing their heart is your priority. Plan on spending a little time just being together, asking meaningful questions, and listening well. Here are 25 questions to help you get started:
25 Relationship Building Questions to Ask Your Friend
1: What do you need in a friend in this season of life?
2: What qualities do you value most?
3: What brings you joy?
4: What are you passionate about?
5: What makes you angry?
6: What makes you feel lonely?
7: What makes you feel unloved?
8: What are you afraid of?
9: What makes your heart ache?
10: What are your goals?
11: What is a dream your holding on to hope for?
12: What do you love to do if you had a whole free day?
13: What would you do if money wasn’t a concern?
14: What would you do if time wasn’t a concern?
15: What is something from your past that still haunts you?
16: What is your most favorite memory?
17: What is your biggest regret?
18: What are you most proud of?
19: How did your family influence you the most?
20: What were the biggest instigators of growth and change in your life?
21: What is something you’ve always wanted to try to learn?
22: What’s your love language?
23: What’s your enneagram?
24: What is some area you’re working to grow in?
25: Who do you admire and why?
As trite as it sounds, making good friends really does start with being a good friend. Being a good friend begins with shifting the focus off of ourselves and onto the other person to show them that we believe they are worthy of being seen, known, heard, and cared for.
Bobbie Schaeperkoetter is a writer, speaker, community builder, and an encourager of women at http://www.bobbieschae.com. She’s passionate about connecting women to Jesus, to one another, and to the Body of believers. You can connect with Bobbie through her website or on Instagram at http://www.instagram.com/bobbieschae or on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bobbieschae
