My parents looked a tad pensive on my wedding day. They were happy for me on the one hand but were simmering in a cocktail of emotions on the other. Several weeks after our wedding, I called mom and sought to know why they seemed a little flustered that day. “Giving away your daughter’s hand in marriage is not a walk in the park. We couldn’t help but wonder if you were ready for the new life ahead,” she confessed. Now that I am a mom, her words make perfect sense.
Fortunately, I was not apprehensive on the sunny Saturday morning that I got hitched. I was pumped up and raring to hop on the marriage bandwagon. I guess I had done my due diligence if I do say so myself. Starting a family is a huge leap that requires deep retrospection and planning. You should not start a family on a whim or merely because your family and friends are mounting pressure on you. You have to be at peace with your decision because starting a family is like trudging a path of no return.
Jesus taught that when one is building a tower, they have to first sit down and count the cost lest they lay the foundation but are unable to finish building it (Luke 14: 28-29). In the same way, you have to carefully evaluate yourself before starting a family. Here are 5 crucial questions to get you started:
1. Am I Mature?
Starting a family is no mean feat. You are not ready to marry (let alone sire kids) if you are not mature both physically and emotionally. Some research shows that our brains do not fully develop till we are almost 30 years of age. This serves to reinforce the fact that starting a family is not for kids. You have to be mature to be able to make sound decisions, have realistic expectations, have self-confidence, and be able to delay gratification.
In a relationship, an immature partner will be self-centered, poor in communication, unwilling to compromise, and unable to get a grip on their emotions. Seeing that starting a family comes with lots of responsibilities that require sobriety, you cannot, therefore, gamble on maturity. It takes a fully-fledged adult to gladly serve their partner, meet their needs, pay bills, plan for the future, and nurture children.
“But solid food belongs to those who are of full age, that is, those who by reason of use have their senses exercised to discern both good and evil.” (Galatians 5:14, NKJV).
2. Am I Whole as a Person?
If you are nursing major wounds as a person, you may need to first seek healing before starting a family. Here’s the thing, your partner or kids cannot make you whole. You need to first be your own person before you can be united with your partner: someone who is happy with themselves and does not rely on others to keep him/her enthused, someone who readily pursues their life goals and hobbies and has other thriving relationships besides their relationship with their partner. Additionally, you need to be emotionally stable, confident, and self-respecting. This is not to mean that you should be perfect. Far from it. Besides, we all have flaws. But you should be happy and content with who God made you before taking the parenting plunge.
The scriptures urge us to love our neighbors as we love ourselves (Matthew 22:39). If you are self-loathing and reek of low self-esteem, you will not be able to love your spouse sufficiently. You may be like a leaking vessel, unable to contain enough for yourself – let alone for sharing with others. If you fear that you are not whole as a person, fret not. God is able (and willing) to make you whole. He sent His son Jesus to give us life in abundance (John 10:10). Seek Him and cling to His word. Seek help if you need to and work on yourself.
“For I will restore health to you and heal you of your wounds, says the Lord, because they called you an outcast saying: ‘This is Zion; No one seeks her.’” (Jeremiah 30:17, NKJV).
3. How Do My Finances Look?
“But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” (1 Timothy 5:8, NKJV).
Let’s face it: you need to have your finances together before starting a family. You need a plan on how you are going to pay the bills – in addition to new (and often expensive) items like diapers, formula, strollers, extra clothes, etc. – so that your entire family can live comfortably. Faith in God as your Provider is great, even admirable, but faith without works is dead (James 2:26). You have got to be able to fend for your family and even have some savings stashed away in case of emergencies. Research shows that financial problems are a major cause of marital turmoil and divorce. They breed stress, which, in turn, snuffs out the romance in a marriage.
Avoid starting a family when you are knee-deep in debt. Consider first looking for ways to get out of debt and ensure your family’s financial security. If you plan on starting a family, remember that babies have a myriad of needs – teething toys, countless bibs, medical care, education, and so much more. You should also ensure that you and your partner can communicate freely about finances and craft long-term financial goals. Financial transparency is critical in a marriage. Secret accounts and undeclared possessions will only serve to cause a rift in your marriage, which won't create a healthy, stable environment for a family.
4. Am I Willing to Put Others' Needs above Mine?
Some things don’t mix, like being self-centered and having a great family. Godly marriages should be a prototype of how Christ relates to the church. They should ooze with sacrificial, selfless love and unrelenting forgiveness. Married folks are to put their spouses’ needs above their own. In the Bible, wives are commanded to submit to their husbands as unto the Lord. Husbands on the other hand are commanded to love their wives just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her (Ephesians 5:22-24).
Frankly speaking, it’s not always easy to obey these commands. Just like you, your spouse has their fair share of weaknesses. You both have to make conscious efforts to work through each other’s flaws. You have to perpetually put your spouse’s needs above yours. Raising children also calls for more sacrifices. Parents give up a lot of things to ensure their kids' well-being. Some have to forfeit their careers, social life, friendships, sleep, and freedom to travel, among many others. This is especially when the kids are younger. If you are not willing to put the needs of others before yours, then you are ill-prepared to start a family.
“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.” (Philippians 2:3, NKJV)
5. Am I Ready to Commit?
Commitment is the aspect of being dedicated to a cause despite the challenges tucked therein. Marriage is for the long haul. God’s plan for marriage is for the man and woman to be united all the days of their lives. God outrightly states that He hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). Ensure that you are willing to remain committed to your spouse (and children) through the varying seasons of life.
For this to happen, you need to ensure that you feel content with your partner before dipping your feet into marriage. Are both of you compatible? Do you share similar values? Settle such (pertinent) questions before you tie the knot. Leave no wiggle room for turning back. Commitment will keep you tethered to your family despite the challenges life hurls your way.
“But Jesus said to him, “No one, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.” (Luke 9:62, NKJV)
Originally published Thursday, 28 April 2022.
