7 Better Things to Do For a Friend When She Shares Marriage Woes (Instead of Taking Her Side)

Many of us assume that when our friend tells us her side of their marital struggles, the best course of action is to immediately take her side. Or maybe your first impulse is to try to fix the problem and you want to rattle off a whole list of what she should have done. But what if in doing so, we actually do more harm than good—both to our friend and her marriage? How can we strike that careful balance between validating feelings while still leaving room for alternative perspectives?

First, let’s be clear: if a friend comes to you and tells you that she is in immediate danger, this is the time to offer some immediate, practical help. Helping her to call local or national resources will be invaluable. You can start here. If you or she needs help recognizing emotional abuse, Leslie Vernick has a diagnostic test that may be a good place to start, as well as helpful articles and videos.

For less urgent issues, here are some general guidelines to help guide your conversations:

1. Listen to her words.

Oftentimes in marital strife, neither spouse feels heard by the other. So, giving your friend your undivided attention and hearing her out is such a precious gift. There are many of us whom are external processors—we have to express verbally what’s swirling around internally. Often, the first things we say aren’t ultimately where we’re going to land, so to listen without interrupting and judging creates a safe place for her to get all her feelings out and sort through them.

“If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” – Proverbs 18:13

“A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.” – Proverbs 18:2

2. Listen between the lines.

Most likely, you’re only going to hear one side of the story. Your friend is probably filling in her spouse’s side of the story through assumptions and filtering it through her emotions. Sometimes just asking questions like, “How do you think he was feeling when ______?” or “What do you think motivated him to do that?” allows for space for our friends to consider things from a different perspective.

“The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him.” – Proverbs 18:17

“Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” – Proverbs 27:17

3. Refrain from the shame.

Jesus didn’t bring the condemnation when people messed up, so we need to be sure to follow Him in this. Phrases that would be shaming, to either our friend or her spouse, result in a host of negativity. Things not to say: “Why would you do that? What you should have done was ________!” or “What an evil pig! I cannot even believe he could be that stupid!”

Instead, you can use phrases such as, “I can understand why you’d react that way. It sounds like you were really hurt.” or “I am so sorry he did that to you. My heart hurts for you.” Validating pain and feelings allows your friend to feel heard. Minimizing her pain and feelings brings shame.

“Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.” – Proverbs 17:9

4. Hold out hope.

There have been many times when I have left a conversation with a girlfriend and wondered how in the world Jesus was going to fix their marriage. There have also been plenty of times when I had no good advice—only compassion and love. But no matter if I had something practical to say or not, one thing God has impressed up on me with which to leave every conversation is this: Always hold out hope.

I picture it as a small gift in my hands that I offer outstretched. It’s not hope that God will change their husband, change them, or fix their marriage. Rather, it’s hope that God will give them eyes to see, words to say, and a presence that brings light to the darkest of days. In a lonely and difficult marriage, the fear of abandonment is often high and Satan preys upon that, planting seeds of doubt that perhaps God would leave them, too. To reinforce God’s love and His steadfast presence is a tremendous gift.

“Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” – Romans 12:12

5. Reinforce that she’s not the only one in a marriage with problems.

If you can relate to something with which she struggles, share about a time you’ve been in the same situation. If you and your spouse have also struggled (hello, that would be all of us), share it (double check with the spouse that he’s on board first)! You don’t have to have the same problem in order to be relatable or empathetic. To be authentic and vulnerable can be hard and feel risky, but usually the reward is so great. Everyone needs to know they aren’t the only one, especially in the world of social media posing.

“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.” – 1 Thessalonians 5:11

“And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.” – Luke 6:31

6. Offer prayer.

Prayer is powerful, but it is especially powerful when you are praying with your friend. Even though it can feel uncomfortable at first, hearing someone pray for you and over you brings energy and encouragement—as though someone has picked up a sword and is fighting with and for you. In fact, the sword of the spirit is the Word of God (scripture!), so praying God’s Word over your friend is actually helping her in the spiritual battles she’s fighting. Helping point her to prayer is also crucial—for her sake and for the sake of her marriage. If she feel unequipped to pray, offer up some of these prayer resources: Beth Moore’s Praying God’s Word, Marriage Matters Prayer Cards: Unlocking the Power of Prayer, and Stormie Omartian’s The Power of a Praying Wife are just a few of the many tools out there.

“Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord.” – Romans 12:10-11

7. Equip her with resources.

Does her church have a marriage ministry? Do you know of reputable counselors in the area that might offer assistance? Can you and your husband take them out for a double date? What books do you know that have been particularly helpful for you or others? I’m not advocating throwing all of these at her at once (just re-reading this paragraph overwhelms me), but just knowing what’s out there is incredibly advantageous because none of us have all the answers. God did a beautiful job with the body of Christ and with secular research and tools, so it is so good for us to dive in and rely on the giftings of others.

“As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace.” – 1 Peter 4:10

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” – Proverbs 17:17

Jen Ferguson is a wife, author, and speaker who is passionate about helping couples thrive in their marriages. She and her husband, Craig, have shared their own hard story in their book, Pure Eyes, Clean Heart: A Couple’s Journey to Freedom from Pornography and are also creators of the Marriage Matters Prayer Cards. They continue to help couples along in their journeys to freedom and intimacy at The {K}not Project. Jen is also a mama to two girls and two high-maintenance dogs, which is probably why she runs. A lot. Even in the Texas heat.