Life never stays still. As parents, it seems our kids change daily. Just as soon as we wrap our heads around potty training, Kindergarten sneaks up on us. In what feels like a blink of an eye, we are attending their 5th-grade graduation. The following years of Middle and High School, we see our children transform before our eyes. They go from children to full-grown adults and quickly get ready to launch out into the great big world! It's the thing we, as parents, spend countless hours praying and preparing for. From infancy to 18, we are shepherding our kids' hearts relentlessly so they are ready to be a light in this world.
Just like that, they are no longer our "babies"; they are adults we can pray for, advise, and encourage but no longer take the role as you did when they were growing under the same roof. This seemingly overnight change can be hard to keep up with, but we have to prepare our hearts to let go in many ways in order for our relationships to make the metamorphosis into one of adults who respect and care for each other.
What makes this tricky is that our kids don't always launch into adulthood the way we'd hoped. We have invested so much into these people it can be heart-wrenching to see them live out their own life detours. Just as when they are small, we want to make it all okay for them. We have to remember they are God's, not ours, and life's best lessons are often learned through failure, not just success. Trusting God as you allow your kid's space sometimes to stumble and other times thrive is an important skill to learn. Here is what some of that can look like for us parents:
1. Give Advice But Don't Seek to Control
My parents have always been close friends to me. I'm not sure how they managed to let me go so graciously. They were always present, but I never felt they sought to control my decisions from the launching age forward. I made some big ones pretty early on! At age 18, I moved eleven hours away from my parents to attend college. I know they missed me, but they never discouraged me from leaning into getting the education I felt called to pursue. At 19, I got engaged to my high school sweetheart. My parents championed our love and helped us find a future that honored God with our relationship. At 20, we got married, and at 21, I graduated college.
Those early years of adulting were full of life-altering decisions that I had to make mostly on my own, but my parents were always a safe place for me to go for sound advice that was not laced with judgment or a tone that sought to control my life. I hope to be as selfless as they were when my kids launch into the world!
2. Enable Them to Be Responsible for Themselves
Caring for our kids is what we are hard-wired to do. Without us, our kids would never make it to adulthood, but at some point, we have to shift from enabling them to live without consequences and handing them the responsibility for their own lives. This should probably start way before they hit 18, but it's never too late to allow your kids to own their choices.
1 Corinthians 3:8 puts it this way, "He who plants and he who waters are one, and each will receive his wages according to his labor." Basically, we have to let them reap what they sow and manage what God gives them. Respecting your child's choice to pursue an education, become a missionary, or work at a fast food chain will help them see you as an ally, not a naysayer. Walk alongside them but don't bear the burden of adult life for them. They have to make their way forward on their own terms.
3. Respect What They Have to Say
The best way to respect your adult children is to do just that, show them respect. Take the time to hear what is on their hearts. Be present together, letting them share their lives with you. If they are parents, don't ignore their parenting wishes. Ask for their opinions on their lives, children, and more. Take time to see them as the adults they are now. Don't keep projecting onto them the child, tween, or teen they once were. We are more than our worst moments; as we grow, we want to be seen for the people we are now, not for who we once were.
4. Pray Over Your Adult Children
The best way to continue to care for your kids at any age is to lift them up in prayer. When they do not have ears to hear your advice or are struggling to take responsibility for themselves, it's time to pray that God meets them. It is not up to you to control their lives. Proverbs 3:5-6 tells us to trust in the Lord with all our hearts and lean not on our own understanding. He promises then to make our path straight. We have to trust God to guide our families in each and every season. He can do abundantly more than we could ask or imagine in our lives (Ephesians 3:20).
5. Offer Grace and Forgiveness When Needed
The old saying "growing up is hard to do" is really true! Adulting is not easy. Our children are going to make their fair share of mistakes, they are going to put their foot in their mouths at times, and they won't always see all the ways their parents have done their best to love them. Our human nature tells us to keep score, let them know they have failed, and keep our distance when we feel hurt. We gotta give our kids grace for the journey they are on. Prioritize connection over perfection! Lord knows as a Mom, I've messed up more times than I can count, yet my young kids offer me a love that covers many wrongs. As our kids grow up, we must give them that same gift of grace. Don't count the ways they have failed; instead, count the ways you love them.
6. Seek to Serve Them, Not Just Be Served By Them
Parenting young kids is a selfless job. You have to give up your sleep, body, time, and money, and basically your whole life is framed through the lens of parenthood. When our kids grow up, it's easy to be grateful those days have passed, and you can live for yourself once again. Your kids are old enough to help you with errands, attend to your medical needs, and cook you dinner. Those are all things that they should do for you joyfully, but they shouldn't be expected. As parents, the job is to model sacrificial love at any age. You can come babysit at your child's house, surprise them with something that will bless them, and understand when their schedule conflicts with your needs. Build a support system that includes your kids but is broader than them so you can respect the needs of their families, careers, and more. The support we give each other in a family unit should be reciprocal, you are there for them, and they are present for you when life happens, and you each need a helping hand.
7. Listen Openly to Their Point-of-View
Religion, parenting, politics, education, work, and more are just a few examples of topics that can divide us. Our culture tends to draw such tight lines around dogma that we can struggle to be willing to offer a true listening ear when we encourage people who disagree with us. Sometimes those people that we can't see eye-to-eye with are our very own children. Don't let ideology stop you from connecting with your kids. Sure, you may hold that they are wrong, maybe pray that God changes their worldview, but even so, it's an act of love and respect to be willing to openly listen to someone you love share their heart on a topic. Lay down your right to fight for a chance to hear, see, and know your adult child. Then pray that God will give you the right words at the right time to share your differing worldview and why it matters. There should be no topic so tense that you can't talk about it. Be open to the process of knowing each other; have that be your goal rather than winning each other over to a certain set of ideals.
May God do immeasurably more than you could imagine in the life of your relationship with your adult children. We spend way more years parenting adults than kids, so it's vital that we lean into this role. At every age, parents matter tremendously to their kids. Just because the dynamic changes with children and parents as the kid's age, the importance of parents and children connecting never fades!
Originally published Wednesday, 23 August 2023.
