As you are grieving the relationship you wanted and needed with your parents, remember that you can have this relationship with God.
After experiencing emotional abuse from my parents as a teen, I began therapy. Although therapy has been challenging, it has pushed me into growth and new insights. One of the vital lessons I learned in therapy is how to grieve the relationship I needed with my parents. After disclosing my past to my therapist, she suggested grieving as something I needed to do.
Rather than trying to push through the pain or bury it deeper, I needed to address it.
This is what I did as I processed my pain with my therapist and took time on my own to grieve the relationship I wanted and needed with my parents. Maybe you are going through something similar today and you need time away from the world in order to grieve the relationship you wanted with your parents. It is very healing and can help you move forward in your life. Without ever addressing this pain or grieving it, we will only ever suppress our emotions deeper.
Suppressing our emotions will only lead to problems in the long run. Once we finally want to address them, it could be that they are buried so deep that our brain will block them out. Instead of choosing to push them down, bring your feelings out into the light. Talk with a trained professional and get started on your healing journey. It will help you in the present and future.
Needing a Mother and Father Who Cared
As a teen, I remember wanting to have a tight mother-daughter relationship with my mom. I had seen a mom with her daughter at the mall and I wanted to have the same close bond. They were laughing, smiling, and having a good time. I asked myself, “Why can't I have that?” I remember moving forward from that day, trying to do anything I could to have a taste of what it was like to be that close to your mom.
I try pulling out magazines for my mom and me to look through as well as trying to have individual time with her. My mom was not interested, so I put my magazines away and I sat by myself in the darkness of the living room. Despite having a lack of interest in my own life, my mother was much more interested in my two older sisters' lives.
She was always proud of them and ready to talk to them whenever they had something to say. “What do they have that I don't?” I remember asking myself and quickly answering my own question, “Everything.” I wanted to be everything I was not in order for my mom to just notice me and want to spend time with me. This never happened and it has been something I have been healing from for a long time.
In addition to ignoring me and showing no interest in my life, my mom made many hurtful remarks to me and would yell at me. My dad also insulted me and yelled at me over anything. With time, I slowly shut down and no longer wanted to talk to anyone. Why should I engage in conversation with people who hate me? I chose to distance myself and preserve my well-being by opting for activities alone.
When I was alone, I did not feel alone. In fact, I was happier when I was alone because there was no one there to yell at me or hurt my feelings. And this is something I continue to do to this day. If I am alone, there is no way a person can break through my armor. Furthermore, if I'm alone, I cannot be hurt by excruciating insults.
I needed a father and a mother who cared, but that wasn’t true for my life. Although my parents weren’t there for me, I have learned in my adult years that the Lord welcomes me with open arms (Psalm 27:10).
Coping with the Pain
Coping with the pain has been difficult, yet it is not impossible to heal. It takes time and effort; however, it is very possible to heal with the help of the Lord. Jesus is the One who has been helping me cope with the pain, grieve, and move forward in my life. Without Him, I’m not sure where I would be today or if I would even still be alive. It is only through Jesus that I have been able to cope with the pain of my parents not truly loving me or caring about me.
Jesus loves me and cares about me—and He loves you and cares about you too. Never doubt His love or His comfort. Find rest in these passages of Scripture. They have helped in my healing process and maybe they will be helpful in yours too:
“The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me” (Psalm 23:1-4).
“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble” (Psalm 46:1).
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3).
Allow these passages to bring your heart healing. You will heal in time. The more you turn to the Lord, the more your heart will be filled with love and grace. Even though our parents have hurt us and made us feel unlovable, we can find great love, comfort, and peace in Jesus. He will never fail us or break our hearts (Hebrews 13:5-6).
A Reliance on God Which Can Never Be Broken
By relying on God, we can have hope. Finding faith, deliverance, and hope in God will never fail us. When our parents fail us and hurt us, we can run to our Good, Good Father. As believers, we are children of God (1 John 3:1). Since we are children of God, we can rely on our Heavenly Father. Our earthly parents may fail us, yet our Father in Heaven never will.
Don’t allow a bad relationship with your parents to distort your view of our Heavenly Father. He will never hurt us, harm us, or yell at us. While the Father will discipline us at times, He does so in a loving way. Never is discipline done in a gruesome or hurtful way.
Whenever we are feeling pain, sorrow, or hurt, we can turn to God. He is our loving Father who will never fail or abandon us. In Him, there is only light (1 John 1:5). Our parents may have contained darkness, yet the Father is only light. In His light, there is unconditional love, forgiveness, and grace. This is something that can bring our hearts joy even on the hardest of days.
As you are grieving the relationship you wanted and needed with your parents, remember that you can have this relationship with God. He is our loving Father who always protects us. God is in control of all things, including the future. We never need to doubt Him or His goodness. His love will truly help us make it through each day, and at the end of our journey, we will be taken to be with Him in heaven.
Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/milan2099
