I hate conflict. I’d rather shave with a cheese grater than have to be in conflict. I’m not alone in this sentiment either. Though some people seem to relish conflict, for most of us we would rather avoid disagreement and confrontation. Our bodies are hard-wired for agreement.
In his book, Collective Illusions, Todd Rose argues that when we belong, our brain release oxytocin. Oxytocin is a happy chemical and we love that feeling. Rose explains:
“…oxytocin increases our likelihood of complying with or temporarily supporting a position we may personally dislike. In search of this happy hormonal reward, we tend to prioritize behaviors that benefit our relationships. We look for affinity even when the basis for doing so is tenuous or trivial. We yearn to do more of what our community expects just so we can enjoy that sunny feeling of being included or admired by those we care about.”
In other words, we hate conflict and will even lie to ourselves to avoid it. But is this the way the Scriptures call us to handle conflict? What if conflict is inevitable? Are there times we should pursue conflict?
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What Does the Bible Say about Conflict?
Why does Jesus, who is called the Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6), say “do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth…I have not come to bring peace, but a sword (Matt. 10:34)”? In order to understand this, we must have a good definition of conflict and also understand there are different types of conflict.
When most of us think of conflict, we immediately go to the negative. That is why we wonder why Jesus would “bring a sword” instead of “peace.” But conflict is a serious disagreement between two parties. It is a clash between opposing worldviews. We are in conflict when things are not in harmony.
Have you ever witnessed what happens when you combine Mentos with Coke? It’s an explosion. Why? Because these two cannot live in harmony with one another. They are in conflict, so when they merge things get sticky. Mentos and Coke are morally neutral. But what if we changed the image to God and sin? The two are incompatible. God will always be in conflict with sin. Sin is harmful. Sin destroys God’s creation and aims to debase the goodness of God.
Therefore, there are some things which believers should be in conflict with. James 4:4 tells us that “friendship with the world means enmity with God.” In other words, if you are not in conflict with the world system (that which is patterned by sin) then you are in conflict with God. Humanity should be in harmony with God, but sin breaks that harmony. As such we are born friends with the world system which opposes God and goodness. Before we are redeemed by Jesus there is little conflict between humanity and the fallen world. But once we are redeemed, the conflict begins. We have a new life principle within us.
This new life is why John says what he does in 1 John. Some have stumbled over 1 John 3:9-10 as if it is teaching sinless perfectionism as a prerequisite to a relationship with God. It says this:
“No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God’s seed remains in them; they cannot go on sinning, because they have been born of God. This is how we know who the children of God are and who the children of the devil are: Anyone who does not do what is right is not God’s child, nor is anyone who does not love their brother and sister.”
What John is saying, though, is that the principle of sin is incompatible with the believer. Just as a healthy body rejects germs, so also a healthy believer will reject sin. Sin cannot live in harmony with a believer. But, as verse 10 tells us, we ought to be living in harmony with one another. Believers should be in harmony with one another. To be in unresolved conflict with a brother or sister in Christ is incompatible with redemption. This is what 1 John is teaching us.
If this is true – and it is – then we would do well to consider what the Bible says about conflict resolution.
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Does the Bible Give Guidance on Conflict Resolution?
I must confess a bit of reticence here in answering this question. I say that because there are abusive structures and systems which use “biblical conflict resolution” to harm survivors. The principles outlined in Matthew 18 can be used to browbeat those who have been victimized and to force mock forgiveness upon those who are perpetually wounded.
But God does tell us about conflict resolution. The place where biblical reconciliation always begins is in the gospel of Jesus Christ. We can only pursue true and lasting God-honoring reconciliation with one another if we have been first reconciled to God. All reconciliation must begin here.
James 4:1-2 tells us where our battle with conflict resides. David Powlison explains well:
“One of the joys of biblical ministry comes when you are able to turn on the lights in another person's dark room … I have yet to meet a couple locked in hostility (and the accompanying fear, self-pity, hurt, self-righteousness) who really understood and reckoned with their motives. James 4:1-3 teaches that cravings underlie conflicts. Why do you fight? It's not "because my wife/husband..." – it's because of something about you. Couples who see what rules them – cravings for affection, attention, power, vindication, control, comfort, a hassle-free life – can repent and find God's grace made real to them, and then learn how to make peace.”
This helps us to first reckon with our own role in any conflict that we might have. Matthew 7:3-5 makes it clear that in any conflict we do well to suspect and inspect ourselves first.
Disclaimer: When we are talking about run of the mill sin against one another or when the balance of power is pretty much equal, this is sound advice. It’s probably not a good question to ask, though, if you’ve been victimized. As an example, if someone has been sexually assaulted, it’s irresponsible and harmful to ask questions about personal responsibility.
The same is true of places like Matthew 18. That is a tremendous verse for walking through interpersonal conflicts. It helps us to know how to pursue reconciliation if we’ve been the one offended. As a general rule, when we are the ones who have been sinned against, we should walk through these steps, seek and pray for the repentance of the offender, and respond accordingly.
But it is inappropriate to use Matthew 18 as a cudgel against someone who is in an abusive relationship. Matthew 18 is not intended to outline the steps a wife should take if her husband is abusing her. We do not get to rebuke her for “not going to him first.”
Yes, the Bible outlines how to resolve conflict. But we must consider the general principle that there is a conflict that we are supposed to never make peace with and that is the conflict with sin. Whenever we use biblical principles of conflict to harm those who are vulnerable, we are making peace with sin and placing ourselves at enmity with God. There is much the Bible says about conflict and we do well to consider the whole picture.
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Bible Verses about Conflict Resolution
The Proverbs are a great place to turn for relationships. There we read about a “soft answer” that “turns away wrath.” We learn about being slow to anger, overlooking an offense (Proverbs 19:11), and a host of other general principles for interacting with others.
There are also specific places which outline steps to take when we have offended others or when we are the ones who are offended. Matthew 18:15-17 is a popular and often used verse here:
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector."
We also see Jesus’ general tenor of being a peacemaker and calling us to be peacemakers. Again, we aren’t making friends with sin, but we are to be people of reconciliation. Matthew 5:24 helps us to see how important it is for us to be reconciled with others before even offering a gift in worship. God takes reconciliation seriously. And Romans 12:18 and Hebrews 12:14 tell us to live at peace with everyone as much as possible.
But God does tell us about conflict resolution. Matthew 18 is in our Bible. Matthew 5:23-24 tells us about the importance of reconciliation with fellow believers. And Romans 12:18 and Hebrews 12:14 tells us to live at peace with everyone as much as is possible with us. Ephesians 4:1 and Colossians 3:13 calls us to bear with one another. The Bible is filled with verses on handling conflict.
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Why Should Christians Seek to Be Peacemakers, and Reconcile?
Jesus tells us that we are to be peacemakers (Matthew 5:9). We learn from Paul as well that we are ministers of reconciliation and we are to live out this calling (2 Cor. 5:11-21). We do this because it is a reflection of the redemption that God is bringing about into the world.
The rebellion of Genesis 3 resulted in broken relationships. That is the story all throughout the early part of Genesis. Even in Noah and Abraham and other “heroes” we still see this fracture. It seems as if humanity is caught in a spiral of rebelling that leads to more and more brokenness. Turn to any place in the Old Testament and you will find this spiral of broken relationships.
But the gospel offers hope. Part of the work of the gospel is reconciling all things to Jesus Christ. He is fixing all that is destructive to shalom. But in order to do this, he enters into conflict with all that is against this peace and freedom. God is actually the one who initiated conflict immediately after the Fall (Genesis 3:15). But this conflict is meant to lead to peace.
This helps us to see that God aims to bring good out of conflict. It is always an opportunity for our growth. And at times God is in conflict with rebellious remnants in our hearts. Praise God for this. So also, God ordains conflict so that peace can be brought through this. That’s helpful because it will give us perspective. Constructive conflict is necessary. Deconstructive conflict should be repented of and conquered by Christ.
A Prayer for When You Are Facing a Conflict
Father,
We know that this side of glory we will have conflict. Help me to be an agent of peace in the places where peace is needed. Help me to be in the conflicts that will bring about peace. Help me not to shy away from any conflict I am supposed to be engaged in for your glory, but also help me not to engage in any conflict whose purpose is my own glory. Keep me from foolish quarrels and help my heart to be pure before you. Help me to have your perspective on conflict. When I’m in conflict, help me to see this as your opportunity for growth. Help me trust in you until all conflicts cease.
In Jesus Name,
Amen.
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Originally published Sunday, 08 January 2023.
