Able to be accepted by everyone—this is a definition of the word “agreeable” that makes me cringe a little. You see, overcoming my people-pleasing ways has been like hiking a mountain in flip flops. I make a few upward strides before sliding back into old patterns. Can you relate?
After the last presidential election, I found myself in a few serious conversations with loved ones. When things got heated, I quickly reverted to my agreeable self, placating them so we could all get along. I knew I was compromising my convictions, but because I was so focused on keeping the peace, I struggled to uphold truth.
Interestingly, Hebrews 12:14 (NLT) says, “Work at living in peace with everyone, and work at living a holy life, for those who are not holy will not see the Lord.” I love how this verse puts agreeability into perspective through the lens of God’s holiness. There is such a thing as being too agreeable, and if you’re like me, you’re looking for better ways to promote peace without compromise.
Here are a few things to consider:
Often, when caught in tense conversations, we’re tempted to gloss over the subject and move on to something positive. And in some cases, this might be the best option. But avoidance isn’t always the solution. Instead of agreeing for agreement's sake, buy more time to think about the issue and formulate your response.
Here are a few helpful phrases to buy more time:
“You’ve given me a lot to think about.”
“I’ll get back to you on that.”
“I’ll definitely pray about what you’ve shared.”
“I’m not sure how to respond at the moment, but I’m listening.”
These responses help diffuse heated topics by letting the other person know you’re considering their viewpoint. They also put a stop to endless arguments and fruitless debates. Just be sure to follow up at a later time, offering your perspective with love and grace.
In the post Choosing to Respond in Gentleness When Our Words Are Challenged, Lynette Kittle writes, “Sometimes, the more we try to clarify what we’re trying to communicate, the more it stirs up our opponents.” This is why buying more time allows space for tempers to cool and thoughts to be established.
People like to be heard and valued; it’s part of being human. Even those with whom we disagree are seeking a listening ear. The difficult part is not taking offense.
In his book, Unoffendable: How Just One Change Can Make All of Life Better, Brant Hansen writes, “Yes, the world is broken. But don’t be offended by it. Instead, thank God that He’s intervened in it, and He’s going to restore it to everything it was meant to be. His kingdom is breaking through, bit by bit. Recognize it, and wonder at it.”
With almost every person we encounter, there is something we can agree on. It might be as simple as the beautiful weather, but there’s always something. Finding commonalities, no matter how small, can soften the edges of disagreement on weightier matters.
One thing I’ve found helpful in recent months is to pray for God’s viewpoint. Remembering that He created everyone in His image and has a mighty purpose for them has helped me maintain a healthier perspective.
Someone’s words—no matter how difficult they are to hear—are only words. You can choose to let go of offense and look for things you have in common. This is a great way to get along without compromise and a meaningful way to validate the other person with honesty and integrity.
Recently, while on vacation, my husband and I were approached by a man who had no filter. We were instantly taken back by his forwardness and made uncomfortable by his outspoken opinions but felt trapped in the unpleasant conversation.
I instantly resorted to my people-pleasing ways, nodding my head as he spoke, even though I didn’t agree. Stealing a glance at my husband, I saw him listening politely without letting his emotions show. He was being respectful but not at all condoning the man’s comments. And it was at that moment I determined to stop nodding and start praying.
Silently, I prayed for the man and his wife (who had joined the conversation with equally strong opinions). I asked God to help me be kind and considerate without compromise. I asked for wisdom and clarity to respond accordingly. Surprisingly, it became easier to let my “yes” be “yes” and my “no” be "no.” Although we disagreed on many things, we were able to shake hands at the end of the day with mutual respect. Through that experience, I learned the value of a direct response offered kindly but resolutely.
Another definition of agreeable is “to be enjoyable and pleasant.” Who doesn’t want to be these things? While I’m still working on my people-pleasing habit, I’m grateful for the desire to be enjoyable. Through laughter and lightheartedness, I make others feel welcome, and being warm towards people is a gift I plan to keep cultivating.
Loving others with God’s great love is the best way to bring agreeability into alignment with His will. It eliminates our striving to be “accepted by everyone” and simply offers the extravagant love of the Father.
Recently, in my morning devotion, I came across the familiar “love” passage in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, which says, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
As I read these verses anew, I find that nowhere is love defined as being agreeable. Yet, through patience and humility we are called to live honorably, compassionately, and truthfully.
We can’t go wrong in God’s love. Our humanistic ways will lead us astray, causing us to compromise our faith for the sake of getting along, but God’s love never fails. It is protective, trustworthy, and persevering.
If you’re tired of being too agreeable and are ready to step into a new way of relating to people, pray for the resolve to love without compromise. Be discerning in how you respond and buy yourself some time if needed. Find commonalities that soften the edges of disagreement, but resist nodding your head as a default mechanism in order to get along.
A Prayer for Getting Along without Compromise:
Lord, please forgive me for my people-pleasing ways. You know how I struggle with needing the approval of others. Please change my heart, reminding me that the only approval I need is Yours. Help me relate to people with genuine kindness while also speaking truth in love. Give me boldness when needed and silence when necessary. Thank You for the discernment needed to agree without compromise. In Jesus’ holy name, amen.
More Resources for Your Journey:
Unoffendable: How Just One Change Can Make All of Life Better
When You Are Misunderstood
10 Biblical Ways to Make Disagreements More Agreeable
Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Mariia Vitkovska