Unhappiness is a common issue when it comes to marriage. The thing they don't talk about when you buy that fabulous wedding dress, exchange those heartfelt vows, and drive off into the sunset together is that there will be many times that this relationship will feel a lot more like work than play. Where emotions will fly high, misunderstandings will create gaps, and forgiveness will be required. Unhappiness is not unique in marriage, and if we are honest, we should expect to weather some tough seasons when we consider remaining faithful to loving one extraordinarily flawed human for a lifetime.
Acknowledging this big elephant in the room is important because our culture tells us that happiness is the way to a good life. Reality teaches us that life comes with many challenges, and almost anything worthwhile in your life requires that you fight for it. Consider getting an education. Learning to read, write, add, spell, subtract, and more is challenging, yet, we parents can agree that even if our kids are not blissful as they struggle to learn these skills, they should still keep at it until they achieve some sort of mastery. What about parenting? Lord knows if we as parents quit this job when our kids made us unhappy, committed sins against us, and got on our nerves, none of us would make it past the terrible twos! We stay with our kids, loving and growing with them because we know they are worth the struggle.
Somehow though, we see marriage as separate from these other clear pictures of how struggle brings us beauty. The romantic comedies of the '90s have brainwashed us all to believe that we all have a perfect soul mate waiting for us that we can't live without. They will complete us, and with them, at our side, our lives will feel joyous and easy forevermore.
This is a lie. And it's one from the enemy of our souls. Falling in love is sweet, but staying in love is work. Staying. Forgiving. Learning. Growing. Fighting for your family. These things are so incredibly hard, but when we refuse to let our happiness tell us what our future should be and instead surrender our lives to our Creator and ask him to show us the way forward towards his joy and healing, that's when the beauty unfolds in our stories.
I know this firsthand because I've wanted to let my unhappiness with my spouse lead me away from my marriage. I hoped that he would leave me. I justified my deep bitterness and cast so much blame on the man I told that I would love forever. As I see the error of my ways, I still have to work daily to choose radical grace and forgiveness rather than holding onto the hurt that wants to drive me away from my spouse. Letting go is a constant choice because I can't rewrite 15 years of miscommunication. I can't undo it, but I can move past it. I believe God is showing us a new way forward that will be filled with a joyous commitment to each other that goes beyond our momentary feelings.
So what do we do when we face those unhappy seasons?
1. Seek Out Help
The enemy of our souls wants to feed us the lie that we are alone in our struggles. This is just not true! God is with us and provides wise people that can speak life into the darkest places of our lives. My husband and I have gone to counseling many times during different seasons of struggle in our marriage. We've worked on communication, forgiveness, fighting better, hearing each other better, and so much more! Guess what? We still haven't figured out marriage, and we continue to need help in order to do this well.
Our marriages are not meant to be a secret union that no one else has the chance to speak into. We need the insight, knowledge, encouragement, and faith of others to help us when we inevitably hit ruts. Don't wait or hesitate to find help when you find yourself unhappy. Seek out counselors, pastors, or mentors that will point you both back to Jesus and help equip you with the tools you need to grow together and not continue to drift apart.
2. Set Boundaries for Communication
There have been times in our home when we could not talk to each other without resentment boiling up to the surface. If you find yourself in a volatile situation, setting boundaries around your communication can help keep the peace. My husband and I have determined to note things we need to bring up to each other that we feel could be sensitive and appointed a time to meet and discuss those things. If we find ourselves getting too heated in our conversation, we table it and set a time to revisit the topic. The key here is to ensure you are faithful to the protocols you set up, or this strategy can be a great way to avoid our spouses forever. Commit to a more productive communication pattern so your home can remain peaceful for everyone who lives there.
Another helpful boundary is checking in often with "I feel statements." Don't wait until you're boiling over to share how you're doing with your spouse. In my experience, when I put off sharing, it's easy to turn how I'm feeling into what he's not doing. I start to see my spouse in a more negative light and close my heart off to him. When we just share "I feel lonely," we aren't pointing blame; we are sharing our state of being. Then our spouse can respond with encouragement without feeling attacked.
3. Make Investing in Each Other a Priority
Do you know why falling in love feels so easy? Because you are so dedicated to being together in that season. Truly it feels like you physically cannot get enough of each other. For most of us, as life goes on, that feeling fades, and you are lucky if you get five minutes of quality conversation in a day! Unhappiness is often a product of neglect. When we fail to meet each other's needs, all kinds of problems begin to form in our marriages. But it's not too late to lean in and see each other right now.
Investment in your partner takes effort, intentionality, humility, and a lot of grace! You may feel that you don't even like being together, but that may just be because you've forgotten how to have fun with each other. If you are afraid to talk, go to a movie! Grab dinner together, go out with friends, learn a new skill together, do a couples book club, or whatever else you can come up with! Find a way to restore common ground that may have eroded between you. Your spouse is worth the effort to be near and present with them.
3. Work on You
Joy is something that we can't expect our spouses to provide for us. That's not their duty. They are supposed to love, respect, and care for you, but joy is something that we gain from the Lord. If you are unhappy, it's time to dig deep and find the why in your own heart. We can't pass all the blame off on our marriage or partner. I struggled for many years with anxiety and depression. My struggle brought sadness and strife into our marriage. A huge part of us finding joy in each other is me finding joy for myself!
We can't change our partners. God's plan and timing for their lives may differ from what you'd want. They may need time to get to the point where they are willing to do the work you believe they need to do to be a better partner. This isn't always an invitation to jump ship; sometimes, it's a chance to sit tight and find peace in your own soul while praying and loving them. This is not easy, but it's part of what our marriage vows call us to. We committed to 'for better or for worse,' meaning we must stick together when our spouse walks through the valley. When we can't change them, we change ourselves and reflect God's love for them.
4. Pray for Your Marriage
Prayers are powerful! God is able to heal our messes, and really, he is the only one equipped to carry us through a lifetime spent together. Pray that God will heal your hearts, bring unity to your home, and allow joy to replace the mourning that has taken place in your marriage. God is able and willing to do abundantly more than we could ask to think or imagine on our behalf!
While seasons of unhappiness are a normal part of marriage, they are meant to be just that, seasons. If you find yourself stuck together in a place of perpetual unhappiness and unhealthiness, then it's time to ask God and each other what needs to change. If your partner is unwilling to pursue health after prayer, patience, and intervention, then seeking out trusted advisors to guide you toward health is wise. While God values marriage, he also values each of us, and at times, a marriage must end for health to happen in a home. He is the guide of our hearts and will walk through that journey with us if that is what is necessary in your situation.
Originally published Friday, 16 June 2023.
