There’s a big difference between self-confidence and Christ-confidence. The first includes continuously building ourselves up in order to feel worthy or successful. The second involves living from the victory Jesus achieved for us through His finished work on the cross.
“Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10
One of my earliest memories of people-pleasing was around the age of four when my older cousin took me to one of her college classes. As she introduced me to her friends, I remember the intense feeling of wanting to be liked. It was as if I was center stage, putting on a performance in hopes of gaining their applause.
Fast forward fifty years and I still find myself getting caught in cycles of people pleasing. I’m more aware of it now, and better able to realign my thoughts, but the desire for acceptance is still a very real issue.
Sadly, our preoccupation with people’s approval hinders us from the freedom we have in Christ—the freedom to love and serve others. Often, we miss divine opportunities to pour into people because we are so consumed by what they think of us. This isn’t something we like to admit, but it’s true.
If you’re still people pleasing, here are a few things to do instead:
Remember Your Audience
"Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men.” Colossians 3:23 (ESV)
Perhaps you’ve heard the phrase, “Live for an audience of One.” When I think of this, I picture an auditorium with one person in the front row—Jesus. As I stand on the stage of my life, I have nothing to prove, nothing to perform. In fact, I envision welcoming Him onto the stage, allowing Him to be front and center.
Through Jesus, we have the acceptance we most desire, as Ephesians 1:3-6 says, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved” (NKJV).
My friends, we will never be more loved, accepted, or approved of than we already are. And because we live for an audience of One, we are free to share our gifts and talents without the need to perform. We don’t need the applause of man or the standing ovation of the world. We only need Jesus as center stage of our life.
A Prayer to Remember Your Audience:
Gracious God, when I’m tempted to perform for others, remind me that You are my audience of One. Please remain front and center in my life, keeping my gaze fixed on You. Thank You for loving me, choosing, me, and accepting me. I am blessed to live a life pleasing to You. In Jesus’ holy name, amen.
Remember Your True Desires
When trying to break the cycle of people-pleasing, it can be helpful to remember your true desires. What fulfills you most? What gives you peace and joy? I’m not talking about superficial desires that often involve man’s approval, but instead, your true desires that bring lasting fulfillment and contentment. For example:
-Spending more time with God through prayer, Bible study, and worship
-Loving your spouse openly and lavishly
-Cherishing time with your family, pouring into them as God leads
-Valuing people, making them feel seen and heard
-Serving the Body of Christ with your God-given talents
-Doing your work with excellence and integrity
-Taking good care of your temple—mind, heart, body, and spirit
By listing the most important things in life, you’re redirecting your thoughts away from self-centeredness to others-centeredness. Anytime you’re caught in a cycle of people-pleasing, you can remember what matters most and realign your focus.
A Prayer to Remember Your True Desires:
Heavenly Father, please help me stop chasing after superficial things. Remind me of what’s most important—loving You and others. Whenever I get caught in an unhealthy cycle of people-pleasing, redirect my thoughts back to Your will. I truly want to live to please You and serve others with the heart of Jesus. In His precious name, amen.
Remember Your Focus
“Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.” Colossians 3:2
People-pleasing is often rooted in insecurity, and there’s a reason the word insecurity starts with the letters "i-n." When we go through life with an inward focus, we lose sight of our God-given purpose. It’s like holding a pair of binoculars the wrong way, which causes our view to be narrow and limited.
In contrast, if we turn the lens upward, toward heavenly things, we see the world from a godly perspective. We yearn for the things of heaven instead of Earth’s fleeting achievements. Jesus taught His disciples to pray, “Your kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven” (Matthew 6:10) A kingdom perspective can work wonders in turning us away from people-pleasing and toward a life focused on pleasing God.
A Prayer to Remember Your Focus:
Lord, please turn my focus away from my insecurities, which so often lead to people-pleasing. Expand my view to see the wonderful future You have planned for all eternity. From a kingdom perspective, renew my purpose to serve others with the gifts and talents You’ve given me, storing up treasures in heaven. As Jesus taught us to pray, “Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven,” I offer this prayer to You today, in Jesus’ holy name.
Get Rid of Doubt and Fear
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7
From my experience, doubt and fear are the biggest culprits when it comes to people-pleasing. We doubt we’re capable enough, which leads to fear of failure, which leads to striving for man’s approval.
Recognizing what drives our people-pleasing tendencies is an important step towards lasting change. Here are a few helpful questions to ask yourself:
-Who am I afraid of disappointing right now?
-Am I doing this for recognition or because it’s the right thing to do?
-Would I still perform this act of service even if no one noticed?
-Am I doubtful people will accept me, or am I trusting my acceptance in Christ?
Removing doubt and fear is a huge step in the right direction. With the fear of man gone, and God’s peace in its place, we are free to interact with our families, friends, and coworkers with calm assurance of our acceptance in Christ.
A Prayer to Remove Doubt and Fear:
Gracious God, please help me recognize when I’m people-pleasing through doubt and fear. In those moments, help me stop and take a deep breath, remembering the assurance I have in Christ. He is my portion and my prize. In Him, I can do what You’ve called me to do without worry or fear. Thank You, Lord, for removing my anxiety and replacing it with Your peace. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Step into Christ-Confidence
“For they loved human praise more than praise from God.” John 12:42-43
There’s a big difference between self-confidence and Christ-confidence. The first includes continuously building ourselves up in order to feel worthy or successful. The second involves living from the victory Jesus achieved for us through His finished work on the cross.
My friends, it’s by His strength that we are empowered to live and move and breathe. So why do we consistently do things in our own strength, depending on others for acceptance and approval?
One definition of approval is the belief that someone is good or acceptable. The Christ-centered definition, however, is that we’re made good and acceptable through His righteousness. Wow. What a difference Christ-confidence can make!
1 Thessalonians 2:4 says, “We are not trying to please people but God, who tests our hearts.” This verse sums it up, doesn't it? Our people-pleasing ways are brought into submission when we surrender our hearts to the King of Kings. He is our focus, our desire, and our devotion. All that we say and do is for Him and because of Him, and when we finally grasp this truth, people-pleasing will become a thing of the past.
A Prayer for Surrender:
Gracious Heavenly Father, I have spent far too many years seeking man’s approval, and I’m ready to step into a new way of doing things. I surrender myself to You now. Please turn my focus to heavenly things, reminding me this is not all there is. Please remove the doubt and fear that have held me hostage and replace them with Your peace. Help me step into Christ-confidence and the knowledge of who I am in Your Son. Let His finished work be my focus and the grace upon which I build my life. I pray these things in His precious and holy name, amen.
More resources for your journey:
Why People Pleasing Is Not What God Wants for You
How to Break the Cycle of People-Pleasing
Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Motortion
