I love the church, the body of believers uniquely and beautifully made in God’s image. God designed us for fellowship and connection with one another in ways that lead us closer to his heart and a more fully ALIVE life.
Sadly, we experience a broken family of God in our broken world. Church hurt is common, and church harm causes mass destruction. One way we experience harm, something that goes beyond feeling hurt and disappointed, is when someone uses their position and power to manipulate another’s desire to do good and leaves them filled with feelings of shame and badness.
Narcissistic manipulation occurs in subtle ways. Over time, these actions and attitudes build up, leaving a wake of confusion and pain. After someone notices they were manipulated to think, do, say, or believe something they didn’t really want, they often look back, wondering how they got there. The process happens gradually, eroding your sense of self and your ability to feel safe as the person God designed you to be.
Because this process can sneak up on anyone, and Christians who love to do good and please others are especially prone to manipulative tactics, let’s consider warning signs of narcissistic manipulation. As you consider these, you may find it helpful to write things down, talk through them with someone who understands abusive patterns and manipulation, and pray with God for discernment. With awareness, we can move toward healing.
Photo Credit: © Getty Images/turk_stock_photographer
Narcissistic Traits vs. Personality Disorder
First, let’s consider the difference between someone with narcissistic traits and a diagnosable personality disorder. Traits of narcissism fall on a spectrum. People who lack self-awareness, feel compelled to prove themselves right, and lack the ability to tolerate being wrong, being seen as wrong, or feeling bad, share traits with narcissism which causes problems for everyone involved. They hold distorted expectations of others and false portrayals of who they are.
Traits of narcissism fall on a spectrum. Calling someone a narcissist is not helpful, especially when they do not have a diagnosable personality disorder. However, it is helpful to identify flags of narcissistic traits because they are damaging. Awareness helps us make choices.
For this article, we are considering aspects of behavior and relational interactions that may be experienced when narcissistic manipulation occurs. I offer warning signs to help you orient yourself to the truth and get help if needed.
1. A Felt Sense of Something Being Off
One facet of narcissistic manipulation is a pattern of words, tone of voice, and body signals that cause you to second-guess your choices, attitudes, actions, gifts, thoughts, and feelings. This pattern (often called gaslighting) undermines your sense of knowing things for yourself. Words and actions are maneuvered so you discount intuition, wisdom, and discernment. Your reality comes into question, which is incredibly disorienting.
You may struggle when you start noticing something doesn’t seem right, or you’re frequently put into a position of feeling defensive, or you keep asking others if you’re crazy. Once narcissistic patterns come into awareness, it’s easy to brush aside the sense you feel. You want to believe you see good in the other person, especially when they present themselves as good and kind. Still, something doesn’t feel right. You don’t feel at ease around them. Instead, you feel tense, anxious, sad, or irritable.
Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Olivier Le Moal
2. A Vague Sense of Confusion After Conversations
After having a conversation with someone who’s manipulating you, it is common to feel confused. You may feel fuzzy about what happened and wonder if it’s just you. Could you be wrong or have done something bad? Questioning yourself is common, especially when you entered the conversation with good intentions, like resolving an issue, bringing up a concern, or trying to get more information from another person.
You may have a vague sense of feeling off-kilter when you’ve had a conversation with someone who manipulates others to serve themselves. Maybe you’ve told yourself you shouldn’t feel angry, sad, or confused or assumed something was wrong with your interpretation of events. Writing out your thoughts and questions about the event or talking them through with God and a safe person helps gain perspective and clarity. If you try this with someone unsafe, you’ll likely hear why (they believe) your interpretation is faulty.
3. A Pattern of Victim and Blame Shifting
For this warning sign, please note the term victim refers to the person who experienced harm. In a manipulative dynamic, someone who experienced hurt or harm may try to resolve an issue with the person who caused the problem (the offender). The offender then uses manipulative tactics to turn the narrative around, making the victim the problem and the source of pain for them. Now the offender is the victim.
The offender does not take responsibility for what they did, much less how the other person was impacted by what they did. Instead, the offender positions themselves as someone needing added support and care, saying they’ve been hurt because the victim assigned appropriate responsibility to them. This shift often draws kind people to backtrack. Instead of noticing and refusing the shift that just occurred, they assume responsibility.
This dynamic can get really fuzzy and grey, particularly when the hurt individual will address what they believe to be the problem as if they are the cause. The manipulative person (offender) tells a victim that their interpretation of events and the reality of their experiences are wrong or bad. Narcissistic manipulation often includes shifting the source of blame and the identified recipient of harm. They turn a situation around, which leaves well-meaning, people-pleasing believers to accept what is not theirs to own.
Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Doucefleur
4. Pressure to Conform to Their Expectations
A person in a position of authority, or who presumes authority for your life, does not always follow God’s plan for leadership. Jesus showed the way of humility by leading through serving (Matthew 20:28; John 13:12-17). We’re called to the same model (Matthew 20:26; Mark 9:35; 10:42-45). He cared for others while staying true to God-designed goals we don’t always understand (John 13:6-8).
Manipulation changes reality to meet the desires of an offender. Far from servant-oriented leadership, narcissistic manipulation includes stated or unstated expectations that serve themselves. Others will feel pressure to conform to what the offender wants. Manipulative tactics use words and actions to gain trust, which leads a victim to feel seen and valued. Ultimately, the offender aims to alter a victim’s actions to meet their wants.
5. Pressure to Conform to Your Expectations, for Their Gain
You may have an expectation of yourself to always do good, see good in others, and hope for God’s good. Through narcissistic manipulation, your desire for good is used against you. If a manipulator can present their view of reality as the way to do what is good, they gain compliance for what they want. Even when their view contradicts what you discern as good. An underlying motivation may have more to do with keeping you quiet or engaged in an activity you don’t want to do rather than helping you experience more of God’s good.
When the manipulator uses scripture, it is especially egregious for Christians and adds to spiritual trauma. Christian victims who want to please God and others may act according to the manipulator’s plan even when they don’t believe it is right or good.
Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/OSTILL
6. Scripture Used to Shame You
In faith communities, a leader may use scripture as a narcissistic manipulation tool. God’s word includes truth and love throughout. Manipulation occurs when the meaning and intent of scripture is distorted for personal gain and victim shame. Portions of scripture become weapons meant to condemn a victim for not doing, thinking, and believing the way a manipulative person demands.
Victims feel increasingly bad and shame-filled about who they are. Many struggle to heal from spiritual trauma afterward because the manipulative use of scripture causes them to see God as a condemning ruler rather than someone who beautifully created them, who calls his work in them good (Genesis 1:31), and who loves them fully.
7. Deceptive Outward Charm with Apparent Godliness
I’ve grown increasingly concerned with a pattern I see in Christian culture. When a leader, speaker, pastor, or online influencer professes beliefs we value, we quickly assume their words are honest and truly reflect the intent of their hearts. We are also quick to attribute our frame of reference to the one in a position of authority.
What we believe it means to be a Christian or to believe such-and-such is wrong or right, often comes with a host of beliefs that filter what we expect of that person. Charm can lead us to accept someone as all good because we assume they believe and act in all the ways we think align with the belief they profess.
Narcissistic manipulators home in on this with kind smiles, words that sound good, and what appears to be godly character. Their charm, or likeableness, makes it more difficult to believe they could do something wholly ungodly. Consider 2 Corinthians 11:14. Satan is pronounced a deceiver masquerading as good. What we see is not the same as what God sees. God knows the hearts of men (1 Kings 8:39; 1 Chronicles 28:9; 1 Samuel 16:7).
Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/SI Photography
8. Lack of Mutuality
A hallmark of healthy relationships is a sense of mutuality. God designed each of us in his image, and we each reflect various aspects of his image. We need each other to experience more of God in our lives.
Relationships with narcissistic manipulation aren’t really relationships. There is a lack of respect and honor for each person as a uniquely and wonderfully designed creation of God. Holding a position of authority comes with a responsibility to serve well. A leader should be about the best interest of the people they serve and the group's mission. Narcissistic leaders are about themselves above other people.
A lack of mutuality through narcissistic manipulation may look like; dominating conversations, demanding their way, making unilateral decisions that others must follow, ignoring feedback or helpful criticism, exploiting resources for personal gain, and shaming others. These are evidence of not valuing another person as the person God designed them to be.
9. Lack of Freedom
Another hallmark of honoring relationships is the freedom for individuals to manage their lives. I call this self-stewardship and soul stewardship, and it includes personal responsibility for your gifts, beliefs, thoughts, attitudes, and more. In narcissistic manipulation, a victim experiences denial, condemning, and dismissive encounters that fuel a sense that they cannot trust themselves. As a result, victims feel responsible for doing what others say, not responsible for developing who they are and making their own decisions about what to do.
10. Increased Fear of Doing Something Wrong or Bad
As we look at these warning signals, one thing to remember is that narcissistic traits are not about one-time events. This type of manipulation is experienced over time. Patterns reveal something beyond mistakes or poor judgment.
As the patterns continue, you may feel confused and unsure about what’s happening or why something feels off. You may also notice an increased fear that you will do something wrong or bad. You may fear the consequences for not saying or doing the things the manipulator expects you to do. You may also fear withheld affection, rejection, judgment, minimization of your position or personhood, blame, or angry reactions.
In Summary
Narcissistic manipulation occurs in Christian churches, homes, and relationships. Because many believers seek to do good for God, self-focused individuals who use concepts of God and goodness for personal gain cause others harm.
Reflecting on these signals may mean you notice patterns that have affected you. If so, I’m praying for you to find the resources you need for healing & recovery.
Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Vasyl Dolmatov
Note: Counseling services are available via telehealth for adult residents of Texas only. No advice given here should be a substitute for mental health services.
Originally published Monday, 31 July 2023.
