These types of articles are hard to write because there’s a part of me that thinks “wait, that’s not fair! Wives should be doing these things, too!” Ha! And guess what? That’s 100 percent true. Marriage is both spouses putting each other first, providing for each other, and loving each other through the good, the bad, and the ugly. (which can often occur all in a single day, can I get an amen?)
But there are some specific commands in Scripture that apply directly to husbands that are worth looking at. These directives go a long way toward a happy, healthy, and godly marriage.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. (Ephesians 5:25-33)
Whew, that’s a lot! And here’s why:
“But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.” (1 Corinthians 11:3)
There’s an order to things, established by God Himself, as indicated in the verse above. Marriage just doesn’t work outside of God’s perfectly ordained plan.
As women, we understand that our husbands aren’t going to get these things right all the time. Nor are we as wives going to perfectly execute our part of the marriage and the commands Scripture gives us! This article isn’t to cast stones or shame, but to help a man understand a woman’s heart, because lets’ face it—we’re a different species!
While offering that perspective, along with a heaping dose of grace and understanding, here are—from a wifely perspective—10 ways to be the husband your wife needs.
Photo Credit: © Getty Images/Goran13
1. Listen to Her
Listening does not always come easily for men (and some women, for that matter!). But there’s an innate need in a woman’s heart to feel heard, validated, and understood. Men, however, tend to have the same innate need to fix and solve!
There might be times where a wife does want her husband to help her find a solution to a problem, but there are usually many more times where she just wants to be listened to and supported. If you’re unsure which time is which, just ask. Usually, your wife will know what she is seeking, and an argument can be avoided with some upfront communication.
"Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;" (James 1:19)
2. Protect Her
Women want to feel safe, and this doesn’t just mean physically. Sure, it’s nice to have a strong man next to us in public, or when we’re in a crowd or a potentially dangerous environment, but it’s even nicer to know that we’re safe emotionally with our spouse. Learn how to fight fair with your wife. Don’t yell. Don’t intimidate, even unintentionally, with your size or your tone. Help your wife feel safe. You’ll reap multiple benefits from this.
“Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.” (1 Peter 3:7)
Photo Credit: © Getty Images/fizkes
3. Sacrifice for Her
Marriage is a two-way street, but since this article focuses on husbands, it must be pointed out that husbands need to sacrifice for their wives. Not only because that’s how marriage works, but because that’s the specific example and command that Christ provided in the New Testament.“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her… (Ephesians 5:25, emphasis mine).
Men are called to give themselves up for their wives—in other words, to die to themselves, to sacrifice, and to put their wives first. This might mean over something as simple as where to go eat dinner. But there are multiple occasions to put your wife first that don’t come as easily—such as navigating holiday plans with family, considering her opinions on major family decisions and finances, and (this one is especially hard!) choosing to walk away from an argument before it does more damage.
4. Love Her
This seems like it should go without saying, but it needs to be said. Husbands, love your wives! This is a biblical command, and no marriage can thrive if one party doesn’t feel love. Of course, arguments will occur and there will be seasons of distance or disconnect, but overall, there should be a binding cord of love that both spouses cling to and believe is there, even when feelings fluctuate.
"Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves." (Romans 12:10)
5. Romance Her
Husbands, wives still deeply desire to be romanced! Remember when you were dating, and you sent her flowers to her office just because? When you left notes on the windshield of her car or couldn’t wait to text her during the day? When you couldn’t wait to see her next, and just hug her? Marriage doesn’t have to mean those special efforts and pursuits stop. If anything, your wife needs them even more now. Think about it—you’re the only man in her life that’s allowed to do those things for her. If you don’t, she goes without that pursuit.
Photo Credit: © MoMo Productions
6. Give Affection without Sexual Expectation
Wives want sexual connection, but there’s an element of need that goes beyond that to simple affection. Frequently for men, affection leads to sexual intimacy, but sometimes, wives want to receive affection without expectation of it leading to more. If it consensually does, great! But husbands, be aware that your wife often just needs to snuggle, cuddle, and be held. This shows her a different type of adoration than sex provides and grants her security that you’re interested in her for more than what you gain from her sexually.
7. Apologize When You’re Wrong
Husbands, don’t be afraid to apologize to your wives. This doesn’t make you weak, this makes you Hulk-size in her eyes! There’s nothing more appealing and masculine than a man being strong enough to admit when he’s wrong and own it.
Give your wife the opportunity to provide you with grace to cover your mistakes. It’s humbling and hard, but always worth it. Being able to admit when you’re wrong gives her a sense of security and rebuilds trusts faster than you could imagine.
8. Invest in Her
Some wives have ambitions, goals, or hobbies that require financial investment, and that should absolutely be discussed and considered in your marriage. But more than that, your wife needs you to emotionally invest in her. This looks like listening when she’s talking about something important to her, even if it’s naturally not that interesting to you. It means asking her about her day, following up with things she says, and genuinely caring about what she cares about.
Photo Credit: © Getty Images/jacoblund
9. Brag on Her
Wives love when their husbands brag on them to their friends or co-workers. From a female perspective, hearing your husband boast about how good a wife or mother you are, or speaking with pride of your recent career accomplishment or successfully executed recipe provides a sense of security that is unmatched (even more so when your wife isn’t around when you do this!).
Show your wife that you’re proud of her and proud to be with her. Look for ways to express that to the people you come across in your daily life—and you might just pave the way for a fellow husband to gather courage to do the same.
"In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God's gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered." (1 Peter 3:7)
10. Be Consistent in Character
No husband or wife is perfect, of course—but a woman needs to be able to trust that her husband is generally the same person wherever he is, regardless of which friend group, co-worker, or stranger he’s around. She needs to be able to trust that he will make wise decisions and not be easily influenced by peer pressure.
No spouse will ever get this perfectly, but overall, there should be a sense of trust that a woman could walk up on her husband at any time and not be shocked by the things he’s doing or saying. Be a man of character and watch your wife thrive in that knowledge—more than likely, she’ll then boast on you!
Photo Credit: © Unsplash/Joshua Adam Nolette
Originally published Friday, 04 June 2021.
