I know the devastation of divorce. I understand the hurt and pain that cannot be articulated with words. I also bear witness to the fact that God can make beauty from ashes. When we are open to releasing our fragile hearts back to God, in exchange, we receive healing accompanied by joy, restoration, peace, and hope.
It is amazing to me how God divinely orchestrates our path. At just the right time, in just the right place, He has a way of arranging encounters with just the right people. This has been my experience throughout my writing journey with this topic of finding healing after divorce. I have been entrusted with opportunities I consider "God winks" to share my testimony of finding healing after my own divorce in conversations with women who are currently going through a divorce or are newly divorced.
I know the devastation of divorce. I understand the hurt and pain that cannot be articulated with words. I also bear witness to the fact that God can make beauty from ashes. When we are open to releasing our fragile hearts back to God, in exchange, we receive healing accompanied by joy, restoration, peace, and hope.
We read these words of comfort from Isaiah 61:3 (NLV): "To those who have sorrow in Zion I will give them a crown of beauty instead of ashes. I will give them the oil of joy instead of sorrow, and a spirit of praise instead of a spirit of no hope. Then they will be called oaks that are right with God, planted by the Lord, that He may be honored."
When you are in the thicket of loss, grief, and ashes, imagining that any beauty can emerge can be difficult. After all, no two people ever enter a marriage with the goal of getting a divorce. Despite the varying dynamics that may test the relationship's solidity, the intention is always to have a marriage that endures the test of time. When divorce occurs, it can literally feel as if you are grieving the death of a person who is no longer physically present with you.
Yet, God is always with us. God is always present in our lives. God always cares about what concerns us. Never far removed, but as the psalmist in Psalm 46:1 (ESV) reminds us, "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." We can cling to the fact that God promises never to leave or forsake us, no matter what life throws at us. And yes, even the reality of divorce.
Sweet friend, I want you to take heart today in the all-sufficiency of Jesus. May this moment be your reminder you are still God's beloved. He still has a plan for your life, and it is beautiful. God can redeem all things, even the trauma of divorce. There is healing after the havoc it reeks. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy always comes in the morning (see Psalm 30:5). The sun will shine again in your world. You will live again, laugh again, and maybe even love again. By God's grace, you will know what it means to authentically smile from the inside out. And just maybe, you will also genuinely shed happy tears of joy and gratitude as you realize God wastes nothing.
As I reflect upon being "single again" for twenty years now, I can testify without reservation that Ecclesiastes 3:11 is true: "He has made everything beautiful in its time…" I am living proof that God has a wonderful way of making all things new and causing everything to work together for our good and His marvelous glory. If you find yourself navigating the torrential waters of divorce, look to Jesus - not other substitutes or distractions - but look to Jesus. He promises to be your peace amid the storm. I am praying for your healing because I know God to be a healer in my life. Divorce is not too big, hard, or complicated for God to handle. Give yourself grace, patience, and kindness daily as you walk through your healing. Rest in the confidence that God has got you in His hands. You remain in His grip, and He will not let you go.
I am honored to share some application that has helped me, and I sincerely pray it will be a blessing to you too. Here are three practical ways you can participate in your healing process as you journey through and navigate the aftermath of divorce.
1. Take Time for Yourself
You need time to slow down and process. Allow yourself to adjust your pace in this new season and simplify your lifestyle. You need time to acknowledge your feelings (hurt, anger, resentment, betrayal, disappointment, rage, etc.) to yourself and God. And by the way, God is big enough to handle your most real, raw feelings.
You need time to be alone with your thoughts and not be flooded with the opinions or expectations of others. Part of processing involves self-reflection and evaluating what you did wrong as a spouse, not just your partner. We must be willing to be honest about how we contributed to the condition of the failed marriage and own it. A real assessment will involve transparency regarding what we could have or should have done differently and what lessons we are learning so that we will not repeat them again.
As you take time for yourself, do not fall for the enemy's deceit that influences you to turn away from God. Instead, run to God! Choose to be better, not bitter. Divorce calls vulnerability to the surface, but we must call upon the name of the Lord to rescue us. When we turn to God, He is faithful to strengthen and deliver us.
Psalm 18:1-2 (NKJV) tells us, "I will love You, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold."
Taking time for yourself is not about living on your own terms but living intentionally with complete dependence upon and trust in your God. He will never cease to be our Savior and Lord. Nevertheless, we must remain open (heart and mind) and yield to the leadership of the Holy Spirit that desires to guide us and help us every step of the way.
2. Seek Godly Support
Although taking time for yourself is essential, it does not mean living in isolation. We all need community, especially when going through a tough time. Divorce is a significant life change that impacts every part of you - present and future. Having the right spiritual influences through pastoral counseling, Christian counseling, divorce care support groups, divorce small group Bible studies, and trusted Godly friends and mentors will make all the difference as you go through one of the hardest moments of your life. The people God connects us to through these various influences are often instrumental in our healing. They are the vessels God uses to facilitate our healing in one regard or another.
Embrace the people who are positioned to walk this road with you. Those God has connected you to will truly love you throughout your healing process by speaking the truth to you in love. They will have a heart of compassion and empathy for your unique circumstances. They will be sensitive to the Spirit of God and allow their words and actions to be saturated with grace and wisdom. They will be the hands and feet of Jesus that demonstrate His heart for you. They will help to bring perspective and remind you, "This too shall pass." Embrace your God-ordained tribe (or find your people) that will push you through and cheer you on to the other side of your victory.
3. Wait to Date
As tempting as it may be, wait before you start dating again. Yes, you will feel lonely after divorce; this is normal. When you integrate your life with another person over any length of time, it feels odd not having someone else around. However, loneliness should not be a motivating factor that leads you to begin dating again.
In my book, Living My Best Life, a major theme throughout is learning how to embrace God's gift of singleness. Even when divorce is not something you initiate or desire, once your reality, we have to consider God has a purpose in allowing us to experience being single again. It is easy to lose ourselves or our identity in a marriage. Being single challenges us to seek solace in God alone and find completion in who we are in Him, not our marital status. This is truly a gift to be appreciated and enjoyed.
I do not recommend starting to date until you have successfully gone through Christian counseling. Focus instead on recalibrating your relationship with God and grounding yourself in Him. Remember, God still has specific assignments that are part of your destiny here on earth. A divorce does not get to cancel out your purpose. You are not damaged goods somehow disqualified because of a divorce. You have a bright future and a beautiful life promised to you right now.
There are gifts, talents, and abilities God has bestowed upon you that the world needs. So, take this time to fall in love with Jesus all over again, rediscover your God-given purpose, and follow hard after God. Then, when the time comes, your potential love will find you pursuing God, which will be his cue to pursue you.
You can't rush ready, and you can't rush healing. Divorce does not mean you have lost time to make up. You are still on God's divine calendar. You are not second class or second best, so do not be tricked that you need to jump into a relationship or settle because, somehow, you are running out of time now.
All of those are lies the devil will try to appeal to you. But you must remember, everything will happen according to God's perfect will for you. Just let it happen in God's way. You do not have to manipulate or help God out. Entrust Him with your process, and God will bring it all to pass at the appointed time. God makes all things well with and for us. He heals us so that we are whole. Trust God every step of the way.
