No matter how much a baby has been prayed for or wanted, there's no way around the profound ways pregnancy and having a baby change the marriage relationship! Many of the changes are wonderful! Some of those changes are wonderful but sort of like a refining furnace for your relationship.
"So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body." Ephesians 5:28-30
My husband and I waited nearly a decade for the Lord to bless us with a child. It was a long wait and a total surprise! No matter how much a baby has been prayed for or wanted, there's no way around the profound ways pregnancy and having a baby change the marriage relationship! Many of the changes are wonderful! Some of those changes are wonderful but sort of like a refining furnace for your relationship.
As you prepare for a new member to join your family, here are five ways you can love your wife during this time in her life.
1. Commit Time to Daily Prayer for Your Family
"Isaac prayed to the LORD on behalf of his wife." Genesis 25:21
As the spiritual leader of the household, the husband has a unique role that no one else can fill. Scripture says that a husband has a spiritual place of covering over his wife and family (1 Corinthians 11:3), so your prayers for your family are uniquely irreplaceable. Especially as you and your wife enter this transitional time, making sure you have a daily habit of prayer for your family is even more vital.
2. Pursue and Express Understanding Toward Your Wife
When I was pregnant with our son, I had some complications that affected delivery and the early months of our son's life. Those complications were stressful. We can plop Bible verses on top of a lot of our tensions. And while they are still valid for a pregnant or new momma, there is a deeper sense of responsibility to these kinds of burdens than any other. For some pregnant mamas, the stress of trying to "hang on" to a difficult pregnancy, keep food or liquids down when their stomach revolts, or manage blood sugar that spikes and dips beyond any logic, and all the other many ways our bodies rebel against us during pregnancy, can really test the sanity.
Moms frequently feel responsible for everything that happens to their baby while pregnant. Yet, with the complexity of hormones, women are often even less in control of how their system responds to things than when they aren't pregnant. It's a rotten, traitorous thing of our bodies to let down the team when we need our bodies to behave the most! But it is a reality of some pregnancies, and for the moms who have that experience, a lot of understanding is necessary!
"You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered." 1 Peter 3:7
I have never claimed this verse as a favorite. But with early motherhood, I felt like as much as I didn't love this verse enough to hang it on my wall, I had a brush of experience with it like never before. Some pregnancy complications and the months of caretaking a baby with health issues consumed all my strength, and I wasn't the same partner I was before having a baby. I needed understanding and grace more than ever in our relationship. I loathed needing more support and help and despised that sensation of being vulnerable. But here was the Bible telling both of us that God designed husbands to be special vessels of understanding for their wives - even their stubborn, strong, I-can-do-everything-myself-wives that never want to need help.
Pray for God to open your eyes to understand your wife's changing needs and for insight on how to express understanding, love, and support to her.
3. Be Filled Up with God's Word
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word…" Ephesians 5:25-26
This verse is covered in the next point also, but first, to be a loving, sacrificial husband, you need the power of the Word vibrant and active in your heart. It will give you the capacity to wash love and grace over your family. It will anchor you in your calling as a husband and anchor your family.
As you and your wife prepare for a new family member, there isn't a better time to pursue a habit of being daily renewed in Scripture.
4. Love Your Wife Sacrificially
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word…" Ephesians 5:25-26
While Christians are called to sacrificially love and bear with everyone, husbands are given a special call to sacrifice for their wives. While your wife is pregnant and in those early baby days, this will take on new meaning. Ask the Lord for insight on how to best sacrificially love your wife.
When I was pregnant, we learned how husbands could best take care of their wives after delivery in our birthing class. I was the absolute flip-flop opposite of what the experts said I would be! I think this is where Christians have a special gift! We have the help of the Holy Spirit through the seasons when even the "experts" don't have it right. That is a huge comfort!
So, lean into the Lord, His guidance, and His Word to know just how to love your wife during this challenging season. Use the wisdom of "experts" in the field, but also listen diligently to your wife and the Holy Spirit to love her in the most effective ways based on her needs during this season.
5. Plan for Change
"The plans of the diligent lead surely to advantage…" Proverbs 21:5
My husband and I had been married for almost a decade when the Lord blessed us with our son; in other words, we were long established in our no-kid rhythm of life. We both served in vocational church ministry, and I had a side hustle business and a parachurch ministry. We worked a ton. When we relaxed pre-baby life, it was usually going on hiking and photography adventures. When our son was born, he cried and was unable to sleep for the first three years of his life (and yes, we got medical attention - we just had the not-so-awesome fortune of going through tons of doctors before we found one that was able to help!). It's not quite the same blowing-off-steam experience to camp with a screaming baby or hike with a crying little one on your back. We didn't have the support circle to have date nights, and no one else could really handle his crying even if we'd had a support circle to go on date nights. I didn't have anyone to spell me to gather my brain to make business decisions while I tended a baby with health issues. So life changed for us a lot more than we imagined it would because our situation was so different from the other parents around us. Not everyone's life changes quite so much when they have a baby. But being prepared for significant changes and making space for those changes can bless your relationship.
Photo credit: ©Getty Images/Motortion
Consider praying and talking through these three areas that will need room for changes:
How you connect as a couple: Think through practical ways to express your heart to one another in five or ten-minute "stolen" moments. You might have those lovely weekly date nights, but you might be the couple that doesn't get those stretches of time to reconnect. What are five ways you can express to your spouse that you love them and desire connection with them when time together is in short supply?
How you unwind as a couple: Stress relief seems to get more critical and simultaneously more elusive when you have a new baby on the scene. Do you know two or three ways you can help your spouse destress? Do you know two or three ways you as a couple can destress together?
How you pursue God together as a couple: Lastly, but most importantly, make plans to seek God together! Some couples have a sense of how they pursue God together before they have a baby. For others, this is a great transition time to implement the habits of seeking God together. Whether you have already established a path to connect with God as a couple or are pursuing it now, as parents, you are going to need and want the Lord's wisdom and help more than ever! So begin praying and thinking about how to best connect with God as a couple and ask the Lord to help navigate your family's changes while faithfully pursuing Him. My poor husband would often read the Bible to us, and I would fall asleep on him because I was so exhausted! This made all of us feel pretty bad! Be mentally prepared to possibly switch up the times and ways you seek the Lord as a couple and family.
Congratulations on all the joy and adventure that awaits your growing family! May God's best blessings surround your family!
"Behold, children are a gift of the LORD,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one's youth.
How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them." Psalm 127:3-5
Photo credit: ©GettyImages/mihailomilovanovic
April Motl is a pastor’s wife, homeschool mom, and women’s ministry director. When she’s not waist-deep in the joys and jobs of motherhood, being a wife, and serving at church, she writes and teaches for women. You can find more encouraging resources from April at MotlMinistries.com and on Amazon.
