In failing to set healthy boundaries, I’ve caused myself and those I love pain. I felt confused regarding how I could honor someone above myself when the person acted inappropriately. I didn’t understand where the line between truth and love lay.
Though I claimed my responses came from a concern for others, more often than not I was motivated by self-preservation. In my desire not to make others mad, I ultimately inflicted harm. I failed to speak necessary truth, which hindered growth in myself and others and contradicted my priorities and values. In short, my actions were anything but loving.
If we were able to chat face-to-face with Christ about this confusing and challenging topic, here’s what I believe He’d say:
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Consider the parent who nags a child about their messy room while picking up discarded items. This, in effect, trains the child to continue their behavior. They have no reason to change and likely won’t without experiencing direct consequences. What’s more, as tension between the child and parent increases, the issue shifts from the problem and onto mom’s reaction.
Conversely the mom who communicates clear expectations and holds their child accountable teaches personal responsibility with much less tension.
This holds true for all relationships. Say a friend or loved one escalates disagreements by yelling, attacking, or name calling. We can tell them, during the incident or after, how displeased we are with their behavior. Our actions will carry more weight, however, when we show them precisely what we will and won’t tolerate. We can look at them calmly and say, “This isn’t effective. When you’re ready to discuss this in a more rational manner, let me know,” and then leave.
Regardless of how they choose to respond, this places the spotlight on the poor behavior and prevents us becoming enmeshed into their dysfunction or mimicking their antics.
When we read the gospels, we notice Jesus never allowed other people’s poor behavior to control Him. He never hesitated to speak truth regarding people’s sin. He didn’t make excuses for them or attempt to manipulate them into changing. Instead, He called them to higher living.
When a rich young ruler approached Him, seeking life, Jesus answered honestly and directly but then allowed the man to walk away (Mark 10:17-27). When Peter, one of His disciples, asked what would happen to John, Jesus replied, “What is that to you? You must follow Me” (John 21:22b).
And consider His parable of the prodigal son. You can read the full story in Luke 15:11-32, but in short, one day a man’s son demanded his inheritance so that he could leave and live as wildly as he desired. The father didn’t beg or guilt the man into staying, though I suspect any parent in that situation would’ve wanted to. Nor did he chase the son down and attempt to make life easier, to keep his son from self-destructing. Instead, honoring his son’s choice, he released him.
The result? Because the father set and honored boundaries, the son experienced the full consequences of his actions and returned home.
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Many of us proudly assert that Jesus is our Lord—our master, guide, and the One with full and final authority. If asked, we’d say He alone holds the throne of our hearts, but often our actions indicate differently. At least, mine do. Though I know I need a Sabbath rest and to guard my time with Christ, this often requires telling others no, which can be difficult. As a result, I can allow others to guilt me into accepting invites or performing tasks that ultimately steal those heart-nurturing moments from me.
Establishing, communicating, and maintaining clear boundaries helps ensure our actions align with our hearts.
Jesus excelled at this. Somehow He managed to respond to interruptions with immediacy and grace, but never at the expense of time with His Father. In Luke chapter 5, shortly after healing a man with leprosy, crowds gathered around Him, desperate for healing. Deep compassion must have welled within Him as He surveyed the sick and wounded before Him, some of whom had likely been quarantined for years if not decades.
What would you have done in that situation or one similar? Today, this might look like serving at a soup kitchen with an endless line of hungry men and women. It might look like receiving call after call from hurting parents asking you to mentor their depressed and anxious teens. It might look like making hospital visits or taking meals to shut-ins and those in hospice.
In other words, the needs before Christ were significant, but they were also personal. These men and women weren’t simply strangers crying out for aid. They were His beloved, His creation, individuals He had lovingly formed (Psalm 139:13-16). He loved each one of them as fiercely as I love my daughter. Yet still, He pulled away. He took time to refuel and refocus. Luke 5:16 says, despite all the needs pressing in, “Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed” (NIV).
Mark 1:35-39 tells of a similar situation, one that left others concerned and baffled. Scripture says, “Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where He prayed. Simon and his companions went to look for Him, and when they found Him, they exclaimed: ‘Everyone is looking for you!’
“Jesus replied, ‘Let us go somewhere else—to the nearby villages—so I can preach there also. That is why I have come’” (NIV).
Notice, Jesus didn’t explain Himself or try to defend His actions. Once He’d prayed, He simply moved on, heading with clarity and focus to His next assignment. The disciples’ reaction, upon finding Him, reminds me that others, even those close to me, might not understand my boundaries. They might even push against them and attempt to make me feel as if I’m being selfish, uncaring, or rigid. Confronted with such unkind and manipulative responses, I might be tempted to compromise.
I often struggled with this when my daughter was young. I knew family dinners were important and worth protecting, but my friends didn’t always understand. Almost nightly, someone would ring our doorbell, wanting my daughter and I to spend time with them and their children. Some days, feeling rude and uncompromising, I wrestled with my decision. But years later, watching her friends grow increasingly distant with their parents while my husband and daughter and I grew closer, I was grateful for every meal we shared.
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When establishing boundaries, especially if others respond poorly to them, we may feel as if we’re being unkind. But these expectations are actually a clear way to demonstrate love. They let our friends and family members know precisely what we will and won’t tolerate and lead to increased authenticity and relational health.
Let me give an example. When I became a mom, I determined what type of environment I wanted for our home. I wanted our daughter to grow up in a peaceful house, free of yelling or excessive arguing. If our daughter threw a fit during dinner, rather than yelling back, I simply said, “If you’re going to continue, you need to go to your room. You’re welcome to rejoin us when you’re ready.”
Though I didn’t do this perfectly, and at times she needed to say the same to me, this helped preserve a positive climate. It also enabled our daughter to recognize harmful behaviors and provided opportunities for her to self-regulate. What’s more, I showed her how she could set boundaries when others acted poorly. Now that she’s an adult, I’ve seen her respond to difficult and dysfunctional situations in a healthy manner, setting her own boundaries as to what she will and won’t accept.
Many times, when we’re frustrated with others, we’re at least partially at fault. For example, say you’re upset with your sister for borrowing money or items she never returns. Her lack of integrity is a concern, certainly. But, if this occurs more than once, then you’ve allowed the problem to continue. Your choice, then, is to either tell her no or else recognize and accept that whatever you give her will be, in essence, a gift.
Similarly, let’s say your children routinely leave dirty clothes on the floor and dishes in the sink. You can get upset and yell at them for making a mess, or you can explain clear expectations along with what will occur should your kids not comply. Perhaps you’ll gather all their clothing into bags and charge them for each item. Or maybe they won’t be able to play with friends until their rooms are cleaned. By responding this way, you demonstrate personal responsibility for your actions and emotions while allowing your children to take responsibility for theirs.
This is love.
Setting boundaries, initially, can feel uncomfortable and perhaps even hurtful, but in truth they demonstrate respect and love. They help us protect our priorities, reflect Christ, and encourage growth in ourselves and others.
Jennifer Slattery, host of the Faith Over Fear podcast, is a writer and speaker who’s addressed women’s groups, Bible studies, and writers across the nation. She’s the author of the Cultivating a Thankful Heart Bible Reading Plan, Building a Family and numerous other titles and maintains a devotional blog at JenniferSlatteryLivesOutLoud.com. As the founder of Wholly Loved Ministries, she’s passionate about helping women discover, embrace, and live out who they are in Christ. Visit her online to learn more about her speaking or to book her for your next women’s event and sign up for her free quarterly newsletter HERE and make sure to connect with her on Facebook and Instagram.
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