You love your spouse. You think he’s sexy. He’s your favorite person but suddenly your red hot sex life seems to have more issues than Vogue. Either he’s not interested or you’re too tired. Or maybe he’s instantly turned on and you need time to connect on an emotional level before you’re in the mood.
If there’s anything we’ve learned about marriage—relationships are messy. That’s because marriage is made up of two people with two different personalities, two different needs, and two very different perspectives. So, what is a couple to do when there’s only coals where there used to be flames? The one thing that’ll give you an advantage in the game of love is soaking up all the wisdom you can from seasoned Christian mentors, counselors, and even pastors. But how do you go about seeking sex advice and when should you?
In order to have a healthy, thriving marriage, we must be prepared to address the topic of sex. We must be prepared to talk about it, to ask questions, and to seek help with boldness, knowing that God ordained sex as a gift. The very fact that God created humanity as “male and female” reveals that we are created as sexual beings. The first blueprint for sex is found in the very beginning of the Bible.
The Bible says, “From the beginning of creation, God ‘made them male and female’” (Genesis 1:27; Mark 10:6-8). It goes on to declare, “‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’” (Mark 10:6-8; Genesis 2:24).
How to Start the Discussion
Sometimes love isn’t all you need. Sometimes you and your spouse may find yourselves lacking intimacy. It might be because other areas of intimacy need repair, such as emotional and spiritual intimacy. Other areas that could trickle into the bedroom include communication issues or circling the same frustrations, and rehashing old arguments.
Sexual struggles in marriage also come from other areas of life. It can come from selfishness, idolizing sex, or past sin and even sexual abuse. But more often than not, sexual struggles result from different libidos. While Paul, Ringo, John, and George were on the right track—the Bible tells us seeking advice brings guidance, wisdom, victory, and gladness.
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Seeking Christian Sex Advice Is Healthy and Vital to a Vibrant Sex Life
Be honest about your struggles.
Before you approach your spouse, approach the Lord. Ask God to give you the right words and the right mindset. When you do talk to your spouse, remind him of what you love about him. Be sure to not to blame.
Be clear about your motives.
Seeking advice can bring up feelings of inferiority, insecurity, and fear. Be clear about your motives. For example, you want to seek advice from a Pastor Jeff because you’ve heard he’s great at mentoring couples, or you want to visit with Marla because she and her husband Dean have been married for over 45 years and she has some wisdom you can glean from her experiences. Or you want both of you to see a biblically grounded marriage counselor because you want to get to the root of the lack of intimacy.
Move past the stigma of marriage advice.
The idea of seeking advice is still taboo among married couples when the reality is that it shouldn’t be. More often than not, it’s a pride issue which can erode a marriage faster than quicksand. Those who sought advice in the form of marriage counseling had a 98% higher level of satisfaction for couples because they learned better communication tools, a better understanding of their spouse’s needs as well as their own. Couples like Chip and Joanna Gaines, Kristen Bell and Dax Shepherd, to Michelle Obama and her husband, sought help through marriage therapy. If you aren’t sure how to approach your spouse about seeking advice or getting counseling, try the following statements:
“I know God wants better for our marriage. I believe He has more for us and I want us to get back to being the partners we used to be, if not better. It’s obvious if we don’t get the help we need, we’re making the decision to stay stuck.”
“I love you more than anything and I don’t want to continue to fight about this issue all the time. I’m worried that if we don’t address it—it will continue to fester and grow into something that could destroy our relationship. I know you’re embarrassed and scared about seeing a professional. I am too. But together we can find the right counselor.”
“If you won’t go to counseling for yourself, please do it for me. I can’t do this on my own anymore and I need help.”
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Where to Get Christian Sex Advice
The best place to glean sex and marriage advice is the Bible because God has so much to say! Just to name a few key verses, read,
Other sources for advice include mentors. There might be someone from your church who values marriage and is willing to mentor you, pray for you, and hold you accountable. Another great place to get sex advice is the church.
But sometimes, sexual struggles may be more complex; a biblically-based marriage counselor can be a valuable tool. However, just because someone states they are a counselor—it doesn’t mean they are someone you can trust, nor are they the right match for you and your spouse. It’s recommended to meet and “interview” several until you find the right one.
A counselor should be licensed in the state he or she practices. They should hold the same values of faith. The key to finding good counsel is to seek a reputable biblical counselor who shares the same faith.
A good place to start is to talk to your pastor. Often your pastor will not only meet with you and your spouse to help support your marriage, but he can also connect you with a counselor or mentor he recommends. Sometimes he can also recommend life groups that focus on marriage and intimacy. Whether you are seeking advice from your pastor, a trusted mentor, a small group leader, or from a counselor, some key questions to ask include:
How do you resolve conflict in your own marriage?
Do you have a statement of faith? (Does it conflict with your statement of faith?)
What is your ultimate goal in marriage counseling?
Do you use prayer and Scripture in your marriage sessions?
Do you offer reconciliation and tools to move couples to reconciliation?
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4 Reasons to Seek Advice
Proverbs 11:14 says, "Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.”
When we face mountains too big to move alone, wise people seek wise counsel. Various kings throughout the Bible sought counsel from the prophets like Daniel and Samuel. When should a couple seek counseling? Honestly, couples should seek wise counsel long before they need it. But when recurring issues arise—it is like the “check engine” light on a car. It means it’s time to get into the shop before more damage can be done.
1. Incompatible Sex Drives (Lack of Intimacy)
Intimacy is the bedrock of marriage but it is not just about sex. Intimacy is about connection in every form of the word including emotional and spiritual intimacy. When any of the three types of intimacy are not met, it causes deep wounds that take a long time to heal. It’s vital to fight for that flame if you’re only feeling the spark. But sometimes couples get stuck in the argument around libido issues and a counselor can help couples see both perspectives, give advice, and get to the root of the issue.
2. Stress Is Impacting Intimacy
When your body reacts to stress, it goes into fight or flight mode. This has an impact on your physical, psychological, and physiological health. Seeking advice can not only help you find balance but also remove stressors, practice stress management and help you prioritize your marriage.
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3. Parenting Is Putting a Strain on Intimacy
Children are a blessing from the Lord, however you and your spouse came first. In the midst of ensuring your children have everything they need—your marriage was put on the back burner. Or maybe one of you chooses to prioritize the kids over each other or you’re dealing with a headstrong teen. Whatever the reason, it causes tension, mistrust, and hurt feelings which then lead to a lack of intimacy.
4. You or Your Spouse Are Uncomfortable with Intimacy.
The fear of intimacy is characterized as the fear of sharing a close emotional or physical relationship. Intimacy avoidance can stem from childhood experiences like neglect, abuse, sexual abuse, or they may fear abandonment by their spouse. Overcoming these fears allows for deeper intimacy and a deeper connection.
There Is No Shame in Seeking Marriage Advice
Admitting you need help isn’t always easy but everyone needs help sometimes. We were not designed to live life on our own. God created us for relationship and to be in a relationship. Seeking advice for your marriage reveals how much you desire your marriage to flourish. There is absolutely no shame in going to someone else for help. In fact, it shows just how much courage you have. After all, if you were feeling sick, wouldn’t you visit your doctor?
Counseling is a powerful tool for overcoming challenges and improving your marriage. Do not sabotage yourself by allowing an unfounded stigma to keep you and your spouse from taking steps forward to a happy, healthier, and more vibrant marriage!
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Originally published Thursday, 24 June 2021.
