When we became friends, we realized that our base insecurities and the ways we responded to the world were contrasting. Hayley hated for anyone to be disappointed in her – essentially being told she wasn’t enough or hadn’t done enough. Jess lived with an underlying fear of being too much for the people around her. But we both knew what it was like to flip back and forth between those insecurities and concerns.
We watched and listened, and we realized that so many of you feel the same way we do. You feel like you’re too much or you’re never enough, or both all at once. You aren’t sure who exactly you’re supposed to be as a daughter of God and a part of His kingdom. And we feel all those things along with you.
You’re Always Enough: Even When You Don’t Have Enough Friends
There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. – Proverbs 18:24
(Written by Hayley) There have been years of my life when I have felt utterly alone. I had my husband and my kids, but I felt I had no soul friends. I had no one to mourn with, and I had no one to celebrate with. I didn’t even feel like I had anyone to go to dinner with.
This all started innocently enough. I was feeling a little hurt by community and a little unseen. So, instead of challenging myself to stay put and go deeper with people, I retreated. I fled to the comfort and quiet of my head and home. I am content being by myself, so it took me awhile to realize that what I was feeling was profound loneliness. It surprised me.
Jesus was not immune to loneliness. He had throngs of people with Him all the time. One time He even went into a boat and pushed off the shore in order to get some space so He could preach. He knew what it was like to be wanted and seen.
But even His real- life, close, intimate friends couldn’t totally relate to Him. He always seemed to know more than they did. He was teaching them. He was with them, but He was also set apart.
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Jesus Knows Your Loneliness
In the Upper Room, which was really just the upstairs of a townsperson’s house, He enjoyed His last meal with His friends. He loved them, but He also knew that many of them were going to leave Him and deny knowing Him. He was going to be plunged to a deeper level of loneliness than He’d known at that point.
As it turns out, Jesus lost one good friend— and that friend, Judas, completely betrayed Him. Peter, while still loving Jesus, denied knowing Him when the stakes got too high. Jesus couldn’t count on His friends to know Him, see Him, or love Him.
It’s true that Jesus knows our every disappointment, every temptation, every pursuit. He lived a real, human life and endured all the trials we do. We can go to Him when we are lonely, when we’ve been turned down or spurned. We can go to Him when we’ve been betrayed; He promises never to do that to us. He is an utterly safe Friend who can fulfill all our needs. Jesus knows our every disappointment, every temptation, every pursuit.
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Are You Lonely Too? Start Investing in the People around You
In my loneliness, He showed me how I’d isolated myself and lovingly challenged me to put down roots and invest in the women around me. What felt impossible began to feel real, and suddenly I had the friendships I’d desired. These friendships were even better than I’d hoped because they began with obedience instead of like- mindedness and similarity. I wasn’t seeking people to love me; instead, I was seeking to love others.
We hope for an abundance of good friends on earth. God created us to desire community and to be known. But as important as friendships are, ultimately it is Jesus who satisfies. He is the one true Friend who will never turn away, never back down, never stop hoping. He is the end to loneliness in our hearts.
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You’re Never Too Much: Even When You’re Concerned About Your Friends
Be merciful to those who doubt; save others by snatching them from the fire; to others show mercy, mixed with fear. — JUDE 22–23
(Written by Jess) I sat across from my friend in the coffee shop, blinking back tears, trying to take the slow breaths that keep you from losing it. I’d been here too many times before, with so many different people, and I just felt intrinsically broken.
“It’s just that you’re so intense, and you care so much about what is happening in other people’s relationships with God. You’re coming across as judgmental. Aren’t we just meant to love each other and hope for the best in one another? I think it would be easier if you just served people, gave them grace, and didn’t worry as much about sin or holiness.”
I hadn’t gossiped. I hadn’t been harsh. I hadn’t raised my voice or used curse words or even been condemning. I hadn’t issued a calling out; it was the gentlest (for me) calling up, but it was still too much.
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Sometimes, to Love People Well Means to be 'Too Much'
It would be a lot simpler if loving God and loving His people weren’t so complex. It would be a lot simpler if He were as easy to figure out as everyone thinks He is. If He were a gentle grandpa in the sky and showing nothing but grace, we’d know how to follow suit. Or if He were all rules and checks and balances and measuring sticks, requiring work from us, then we’d always know where we stood. But He is full of grace and truth, and He calls us to be the same.
And sometimes, to love people well, we might seem like we’re a little too much for them. We tell a little too much truth. We might seem like we’re a little too concerned about their spiritual growth. We might have to ask questions that linger and have hard answers. What’s more, we might be required to not just ask the heavy questions, but help carry the heavy burdens that come with the repentance process.
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The Holy Spirit is Our Helper
And God gives us the Holy Spirit and boundary lines to stay within as we work out what to say, if anything. When we’re wondering about how to speak up, these are some good guide rails to stay within: Check that your heart is pure and wanting good for your friend. Pray and seek guidance about what you’re going to say. Ask the Holy Spirit to look for any false motive or agendas before you call out your person and address the sin. When our one desire is to seek the kingdom and love our people well, these things go so much more simply.
I’ve heard God’s mercy described as His coming to us when we’re ailing, gently attending our wounds. In that light, it’s so good for us to remember that we’re not too much when we, acting with that same mercy, ask the Father to use us in the lives of those spiritually ailing around us. You’re not too much— we’re not too much— when we see brokenness around us and feel compelled to help. And, in Jesus’ name, we can submit to the Spirit who will help us learn how to love gently and hold fast to truth just as Jesus did.
Excerpted from Always Enough, Never Too Much, By Jess Connolly and Hayley Morgan, April 24, 2018. Thomas Nelson.
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Jess Connolly and Hayley Morganare great friends with a big passion. They lead women in their churches and communities and online as authors (Wild and Free), speakers, and business owners (All Good Things Collective and Nellie Taft). In their unique positions and from their unique perspectives, Jess and Hayley answer this modern question: "Why don't I ever feel like I'm enough?" and on the flipside "Why do I feel like I'm too much when I'm just being myself"?
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Originally published Monday, 23 April 2018.
