When arguments happen, we’re quick to place blame, aim, shoot, and fire. If we’re not careful, we will place blame where blame was never due.
We had a showdown at MC Wholesale the other day. Pull out the tumbleweeds and gun fire and we would've had a fight.
This wasn’t any argument. It was an argument over a $5 piece of technology my husband desperately pleaded he needed. To him it was a need. I called it a want or desire.
After being asked 35 times with the word “please,” I hung my head in defeat. “I’m not going to lose my marriage over a stupid piece of equipment,” I remarked. “Go get it,” I relented. “Only if you’re okay with it,” my husband replied. I wasn’t, but I obliged. I hadn’t given up my mind. After two hours of arguing in the store, however, I realized it wasn’t worth it.
As much as I didn’t want my husband to buy that piece of technology I would call junk, the fact was this: my husband isn’t the enemy. I suspect that yours (or your spouse or significant other isn’t the enemy either).
Did I realize that while talking heatedly in the store? Absolutely not. Did I realize it later and regret some choice words said? Yes. Perhaps my mishap in the store can prevent you from your own.
Here are two things I learned:
1. Check Your Priorities
For me, this entire situation began long before Ben saw this “beautiful piece of technology” he just had to have. It didn’t matter to me that it was “worth $1000,” “a stellar deal,” or could “just sit quietly in the basement.” What mattered was that any clutter stresses me out and makes me anxious.
Growing up in a home fragmented by abuse, chaos, and pain has often made stuff the enemy. It’s not that stuff did anything to me, but it was always present in my trauma.
Piles of laundry remind me of long days and longer nights with my mom. Doing all the chores ourselves without a helping hand.
Paper and piles remind me of overdue bills and hectic grocery trips. Did we have enough money or did someone spend it all? Could we afford to use the AC, or would we need to spend another night using the windows?
Misplaced items we didn’t need or have room for remind me of extravagant things people would bring into our home that we clearly couldn’t afford. They remind me of someone trying to buy my love when all I really wanted was their time.
So as Ben and I left the store and sat in the car, I thought about my priorities. He knew the concerns I’d voiced about clutter and anxiety, and I knew his. But I had to trust him and prioritize our relationship over being right or wrong in this disagreement. As my Grandma Memo often quotes, “Sometimes, agreeing to disagree,” is the healthiest and best thing you can do in that moment. It may very well still be uncomfortable and unpleasant, but it can help table the conversation until later when both parties are in a better headspace.
2. Check Your Heart
The second thing this incident revealed to me is stated in the title but worth noting and explaining.
When arguments happen, we’re quick to place blame, aim, shoot, and fire. If we’re not careful, we will place blame where blame was never due.
In this particular situation, both my husband and I exemplified habits and said things we wished we hadn't. There were many things that would’ve been better than how we handled it. Can you relate? We’re almost a year into marriage and still learning a lot. I figure I’ll be learning my entire life. But one thing I felt Christ tell me was, “Your husband isn’t the enemy.” I needed to check my heart. Do you?
So many arguments in our lives could be prevented if we immediately took them to Christ before responding. Did I do this as soon as Ben and I disagreed? No. Did I do it fifteen minutes later? Yes. What did God tell me? To listen, have grace, and recognize the true enemy.
Friend, no matter the situation, argument, or unpleasant circumstance you may be dealing with, I guarantee you that the person, place, or thing, isn’t the enemy. We all know that Satan is declared a liar, a thief, and someone who seeks to destroy us. Satan‘s goal is to distract us from Christ by making those around us the enemy. As Christians, we have to be wiser and smarter than that.
Scripture tells us that the thief has come to steal, kill, and destroy, but Jesus has come to give us life and life to the fullest (John 10:10). If Satan can turn our friends, family, world, leaders, and nations into the enemy, then he’s already won. Don’t let him.
Take Your Heart to Christ
I’m not saying that what someone did to you is right or wasn’t a sin. We live in a fallen world with broken people who do and say things they shouldn’t all of the time. The abuse, manipulation, and pain that you’ve experienced are real and heartbreaking. That physical or mental trauma matters—because you matter.
What I am saying is that before we respond to situations, we need to think. We need to make sure that our priorities and our hearts are right and not right in the sense of the world, but right in the sense of being aligned with Christ and what the Scriptures say. Why? Because doing so can prevent heartache, words spoken too soon, and reactions based on emotions rather than fairness.
I’m an emotional person. I’ve experienced tragedy, heartache, heartbreak, trauma, and pain. But I’m learning to realize those around me aren’t the enemy. I hope this post can encourage you to learn and do the same.
It’s not going to be easy. It’s also not a one-and-done process. Remember, there are no quick fixes or simple answers in this life. But over time, as we allow the Spirit to work in and through us, it’s worth it.
The next time you’re in a heated room and you feel yourself growing antsy, take a deep breath and ask yourself, “What are my priorities, and have I checked my heart?” Your husband, significant other, best friend, sister, brother, mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, aunt, teacher, professor, boss, you name it, isn’t the enemy. And he will do anything and everything to convince you that he isn’t. Stand on guard. Know who the bad guy really is and call him out—not those you love.
Agape, Amber
Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/fizkes
