The start of a new relationship is thrilling, fun, and full of anticipation. As we develop an increasingly comfortable relationship with this new person, it’s easy for our mind to jump ahead and ask big questions about where the relationship is going and how serious it might become.
It’s not necessarily bad to wonder about the future, but it can be detrimental to a relationship when our innocuous wonderings come packaged in lofty expectations. The more we can keep our expectations in check, the easier it will be to develop this new relationship into one that is strong and healthy.
Here are 10 expectations you don’t want to bring into a relationship:
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1. This person will fulfill me.
Your partner cannot be everything to you. When we go into a relationship expecting this one person to fill the spot of our God, our friends, and/or our mentor, not only will we end up being wildly disappointed, but we are setting our partner up to fail. They cannot (and should not) be the one who fills a number of our voids while serving as the only source of our happiness and purpose.
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2. I can change them.
Don’t settle for a partner who is less than ideal because you have enthusiastic intentions of changing them. Can people change? Yes, absolutely! However, their transformation does not depend on you. Can we be influencers and encouragers in how other people decide to behave? Of course! The expectation that you, however, will be the one to change a person is unreasonable and often serves as an excuse for us to ignore a glaring red flag.
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3. They can change me.
Similarly, we cannot enter a relationship expecting our partner to be the one who changes us. We need to do our own work in procuring the resources (from the appropriate people) and activating the change we need in our circumstances or character. Again, our partner can certainly be a source of encouragement, but it is not their responsibility to change us.
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4. This relationship is all I need to be happy.
Expecting all of our life’s happiness to come from one relationship is akin to putting all of our eggs in one basket. Why even risk it? There’s no need! A happy relationship is the best kind of relationship, but even that shouldn’t supply all of our happiness. This kind of expectation disregards the plethora of other relationships, activities, and experiences that can bring us joy. Being in a relationship is not the one defining characteristic of a happy life.
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5. We only need each other.
It’s easy to grab a hold of this expectation at the beginning of a relationship, when you’re both falling in love with each other. Over time, however, we find that one person does not satisfy all of our relational needs. We were made to be in relationship with others, and that’s not ever supposed to be limited to one person. We need the relational dynamics of our friends, co-workers, and family members. We need the perspectives and life experiences of a variety of people to keep us grounded and well-rounded. It’s okay to prioritize this relationship, but we need the variety and refreshment of other relationships, too.
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6. Our relationship will be easy.
Again, it’s easy to grow convinced that this expectation will be our reality during the very beginning stages of a new relationship. The truth is, no relationship will always be easy. This does not mean that you and your partner are not compatible! Every couple endures difficult seasons in their relationship, and they can do it while still being very much in love with one another. If we expect our relationship to always be effortless, the difficult times will blindside us, making them even more difficult. Tough times will come, but they don’t have to result in a broken relationship.
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7. Their faith will sustain mine.
Your partner may lead the household spiritually, but they are not your salvation. The faith you each bring to the relationship can grow together, but we each have to maintain our personal relationship with God. They cannot grow that relationship for you. While our partner certainly can (and should!) inspire us in our faith, they are not the source of our faith.
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8. Our desires for the future will always be aligned.
Oftentimes, discussions of the future can feel easy and exciting. You and your partner both know where you want your careers to go, how many children you’d like, and where you want to live. It is not uncommon, however, for plans to change! Career and family goals can shift and, with them, the ideal location for planting a family’s roots. These can be rich conversations to have with your partner as one person finds their desires changing, but the conversation will be much harder if we’ve had an ongoing expectation that plans for the future will not shift.
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9. We will always be happy together.
Just because you love your partner doesn’t mean you’ll always like them! There will probably come times of disconnect between you and your partner, as is true in every relationship. While we may not always feel the giddy, excited feelings of new love, part of being in a committed relationship is continuing to choose your partner—to love them, prioritize them, and honor them—even when the relationship feels mundane or difficult. Happiness may not always be the leading feeling you have with your partner, but that doesn’t mean it cannot be found again (and again, and again!).
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10. Issues will just work themselves out over time.
A relational issue is an issue. Sweeping any points of contention or potential problems under the rug will only make for a bumpy walk across the room in the future. Expecting issues in the relationship to iron themselves out is a dream none of us will ever see realized. Issues—and yes, they will arise—do not have to be deal-breakers, but they will need to be faced.
When we can enter a relationship with a grounded and realistic view of all that this person can—and cannot—offer us, we are already setting ourselves up for success. A relationship with reasonable expectations from the beginning allows for both partners to feel free from unreasonable pressure and able to grow together in healthy and unifying ways.
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I am Mallory—a wife, a writer, and a dog mom to Roger. I love dry humor, clean sheets, sunny days, and frequent reminders of grace. These days, I hang out at malloryredmond.com, where I tell my stories with the hope of uncovering places of connection in our humanity. You can also follow me on Facebook and Twitter.
Originally published Tuesday, 17 October 2017.
