I was scared senseless of parenting teens because I’d heard all the angst and drama stories. But surprisingly I’ve enjoyed this parenting stage more than any other. However when my kids became teenagers, I realized I’d bought into two common parenting beliefs I no longer agree with.
The first belief goes something like this: “Parenting teens is awful. Get ready for horrible arguments and rebellion.” While it’s true that teens face bigger problems and will challenge our authority, they’re also some of the most enjoyable people on the planet, if we take care to build positive relationships with them.
Belief number 2 is “Thank heavens we’ve reached the teen years. Now we can rest because our kids don’t need us as much anymore.” Parenting looks different now that my kids can physically take care of themselves, but if anything, I’ve realized my teens might need me more than ever before. They need a listening ear and authentic communication with me.
God’s Word reminds us our kids are blessings from Him: “Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one's youth.Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them” (Psalm 127:5).Just like a warrior shoots an arrow, parents will launch their kids into the world. The teen years represent our last chance to invest in their lives while they’re still at home.
Scripture teaches us to pass our faith on to our kids in the context of daily life, at home and on the go: “And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise” (Deuteronomy 6:6-7).
Let’s take advantage of daily opportunities to talk with our teens. Here are ways to connect this week:
1. Eat Dinner Together
Sharing a meal gives parents and teens a natural opportunity to talk about the day, yet in the hustle of modern life, it’s easy to let family dinner slide. When my son worked and had sports activities, we flexed around his schedule; some nights we sat down together as late as 8:00 pm for a simple bowl of soup. Our kids knew they could count on dinner time with us to talk about whatever they wanted.
If teen schedules have made family dinner obsolete at your house, how about making a goal of sitting down together at least a few times week? Studies show eating dinner together has more positive results for our kids than parents think: higher self-esteem and academic achievement, less depression and substance abuse.
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2. Say Yes to Their Invitations
We parents complain that our kids shut us out, yet we often say “No, I’m busy” when they invite us in. Rachel Macy Stafford’s book Only Love Today reminds me that sometimes their invitations to us sound like this:
· “Hey Mom, will you listen to this song?”
· “Take a look at this funny video.”
· “Can I read you this story I just wrote?”
I want to say, “I’m busy,” and sometimes I really am. But when I say yes and stop to look at something my daughter wants to show me, I form a bond with her and learn something about her world.
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3. Stop and Make Eye Contact
A small, yet powerful way we can connect with our kids is to stop whatever we’re doing and make eye contact when they approach us. This simple act does two things for me and my daughter. First, it shows her she’s more important to me than whatever I’m doing. Second, it helps me focus on listening to her.
When we turn away from our computers, put our phones down, or stop cooking dinner a moment, our connection with our kids grows.
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4. Read Scripture and Pray Together
If family devotional time is not a regular thing at your house, perhaps you can try it once after a special family meal. Teens are more willing to participate if you give them an active role. Read a passage together and have everyone share their favorite verse and explain why they like it. You’ll be surprised by your kids’ insight.
Keep it short, simple, and flexible. Have everyone share requests, and then pray briefly together. Find a time that works for your family.
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5. Take Time for Fun
Laughter and fun are great connectors, but sometimes I let the craziness of life turn me into a drill sergeant. I get so caught up in making sure everyone sticks to their schedule and has what they need, that I forget about slowing down to have fun.
Whether you go hiking or to the movies, taking time for activities your teen enjoys helps your relationship grow. Make time for fun during your daily routines. Turn up the music and sing together in the kitchen. Let your kids teach you to dance, and laugh loud at their jokes.
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6. Go Out for Lunch or Coffee
A friend of mine has a beautiful family with three married children. When I asked how she had such great relationships with her kids, she said she went on a date with one child each week on a rotating basis when they lived at home. My husband and I liked this idea, and we each take our daughter out when we can. We do the same with our college-aged son when he visits.
Taking your teen out on a solo date lets him know he’s important to you. It gives you the opportunity to catch up on each other’s lives, share your joys, and clear up problems if something is bothering one of you.
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7. Ask Open-Ended Questions
My daughter gave me this suggestion for addressing difficult topics: Rather than starting with “yes or no” questions, try more open-ended ones. Probably no one wants to answer questions like these:
Are you still feeling depressed? Have you had any suicidal thoughts again?
Have you had any more panic attacks at school?
Do you feel anxious?
Open-ended questions invite more response:
How have you been feeling lately? How are things going?
How do you feel about juggling school and work these days?
How is your exam week looking?
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8. Ask for Their Opinion
If your kids are like mine, they have opinions about everything under the sun. Discuss news events and social issues. And if your teen tells you he’s in favor of gay marriage or abortion rights, don’t immediately jump in with what the Bible has to say. Instead, ask him why and listen well. Then respond.
We can also honor our teens by asking for their opinions on family decisions. Even when we decide differently than what they’d like, let’s thank them for their input.
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9. Go for a Walk
Going for a walk gets you outside and helps slow your life down. Walking somewhere together on the weekend instead of driving gives you a chance to talk about everything or nothing in particular.
My daughter and I love night walks. We take our dog out together, and even when our schedules are full, she knows she can count on that time with me. In December we especially enjoy walking around the neighborhood after dinner to see Christmas lights.
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10. Talk in the Car
We spend lots of time in the car shuttling our kids around, so why not take advantage of the enforced togetherness by talking to our kids? When traffic starts to frustrate you, relax, turn on the music, and take the opportunity to talk to your teen. In the morning, ask him what he’s most dreading or looking forward to that day; in the evening ask what his best and worst moments were.
Let’s take advantage of daily opportunities to connect with our teens. A strong relationship gives us more opportunity to speak into their lives, and it helps us navigate conflict more effectively. Most important, our teens will know they always have someone to talk to.
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Betsy de Cruz writes to encourage women to stick close to God, even when life gets bumpy and crazy. Her free guide, 10 Days to More, shows readers 10 ways to do devotional Bible study. It’s available at Betsy’s blog, Faithspillingover.com, where you’ll find Bible study and prayer tips, as well as encouragement for family life and everyday faith. You can also find Betsy on Facebook, Pinterest, and Instagram.
Originally published Wednesday, 11 October 2017.
