10 Sure Signs Your Marriage Needs Work

If you've found yourself constantly thinking negative about your spouse and expecting the worse of them it's time to put in some work. Focusing on a spouse’s faults has never helped any marriage. It only causes feelings of resentment that further push the two of you away. Have you found yourself thinking more negative than positive about your partner? If so, take some time to think about what they are doing well. Write it down if you must but don't let negative thinking hurt your marriage.

When it comes to the work we put into our marriages we have to understand that it's not only for our spouse but more importantly, it’s for God. When we keep a tally of all we've done for our spouse with the intent to show that we do more than them, our marriage suffers. A healthy marriage is not a game we play but one of the ways we serve and glorify God. Everything we do should be for God, even the work we put into our marriage. Our motivation should be to serve God, not man.

In pre-marriage counseling, our pastor asked my husband and me what was the most important aspect of marriage. "God," we said in unison. "No, it's communication." He corrected us. He went on to explain that "You can't even begin to understand that you serve the same God without communicating." You cannot have understanding in your marriage without communication, and without understanding, there is no intimacy. 

Maybe you are communicating but it's always with screaming, putdowns, and sarcastic remarks. This is just as bad as not communicating because, essentially you're not communicating. You're just talking at each other. Disagreements are many times unavoidable in marriage but every disagreement does not have to end in a fight. Pray before you speak, be considerate of not only what you're saying but how and when you're saying it. Learning healthy communication is a skill every marriage should work towards. 

Both physical and emotional intimacy is like water that helps your marriage grow and if you're not growing my guess is you very well may be suffering. If your marriage lacks intimacy it's probably a sign that some deeper work may need to take place. Inability to look your spouse in the eye or enjoy their embrace may be an outward sign of the need for some inner work. You'll want to search and see if there is any hurt, shame, or lack of forgiveness that's pushing you two apart. 

A few weeks ago an older and wiser church member gave me some solid marriage advice: "Forgive quickly" she said. It’s OK to become angry but the problem arises when we stay angry. Unresolved anger is an open door for the enemy to come in your marriage and have his way. Your best defense is to forgive quickly and communicate to resolve hurt feelings. The common misconception is that holding a grudge will protect us from being further hurt but it’s actually the opposite. Bitterness and resentment do more harm to you than the person that hurt you. So for your personal well-being and in turn, the well-being of your marriage make it a habit to forgive as quickly as you can.

If you and your spouse are more like roommates and business partners than lovers it’s time to put in some more work. Where romance was easy when you were first dating it may require more effort years later. Add a few kids, demanding work schedules, and responsibilities and you’re going to have to get creative. If you have small children it’s a good idea to set a bedtime that allows you and your spouse quality one-on-one time every night. Plan a regular date night and keep it a priority. Go on a vacation for just the two of you. Whatever you do don’t allow yourselves to get complacent when it comes to making each other feel special.

Most frustration in marriage comes from having uncommunicated and even unrealistic expectations. It is important to understand what you expect from your spouse and that you have actually communicated these expectations to them. At the same time, it is important to remember that it is not the responsibility of your spouse to meet all of your expectations and completely fulfill you. Only Jesus can do that. Ask yourself “is there any expectation that I’m placing on my spouse that only God can fulfill?” If your answer to that question is “yes”, then release your spouse of that expectation and seek God for that need.

If you find yourself constantly bringing up the past mistakes of your spouse you are harming your marriage. One of the best things you can do for your marriage is give your spouse space to grow. Think about it. I’m sure most of you reading this can say that although your spouse has flaws, you have seen some growth no matter how small since you’ve been married. Growth and maturity take time and patience. Understanding that your spouse is a work in progress will help you not to hold their past against them. Remember, you cannot change the past or your spouse but God is in the business of changing hearts. Give it to Him. 

Your marriage includes three people; you, yourself, and God. If you’ve left God out of your marriage and started to rely on our own strength to sustain your marriage you are in trouble. Keeping a healthy marriage requires the guidance, grace, and wisdom of God. Good for us, God is willing and able to offer His assistance if we will call out to Him and ask for it. When was the last time you prayed for your spouse, your marriage or even prayed with your spouse? If you’ve realized your marriage needs more work my suggestion is to start with God.

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Christina Patterson is a wife and stay-at-home mom with a passion to encourage women in the love of Jesus Christ and the truth of God’s Word. When she is not folding laundry or playing blocks you will find her with her head deep in her Bible or a commentary. She holds her masters in Theology from Liberty University and is the founder of Beloved Women, a non-profit providing resources and community for women to truly know who they are in Christ: His Beloved. She blogs at belovedwomen.org.