Unlike many, my sisters and I never dated as teens. I often think that we saved our parents much trouble, yet our mom was always trying to look for suitable bachelors. My mom believed the common misconception that marriage is what makes someone fulfilled. While marriage can be a source of happiness, it is not the sole indicator of contentment. Our happiness and joy are ultimately found in Jesus.
Moreover, marriage is not something that should be rushed into. Instead, there needs to be wise counsel, prayer time with God, and truly getting to know each other before committing your life to someone else. With this in mind, you need to think through your perception of marriage when it comes to your teen as they begin dating.
As a parent, you have the responsibility and the privilege to choose how to monitor who your teen is dating. While there is no right or wrong answer, there are certainly healthier ways to protect your child as they choose a romantic partner. When I say this, I don't mean it is necessary to go on dates with them or be the “third wheel” at the movie theater—this could come across as being a “helicopter parent.”
Don't push your child toward someone you've picked for them or suffocate them at every function they attend with their girlfriend/boyfriend. Instead, find a healthy balance of protecting your child while granting them freedom to understand boundaries and character qualities. Ensuring your teen feels free to date who they want (within the parameters of what is God-honoring and safe) will take away the forbidden flare of doing something they shouldn't. Be neutral and don't hold one person in higher regard than someone else. Treat all people equally and so will your teen.
Let's look at three things to ask yourself when monitoring who your teen is dating:
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1. Am I Being Careful or Controlling?
Teens can be responsible, but they can also allow their emotions to guide them rather than their minds. You don't want to be controlling, but you also want to be careful. My mother had a strange ideology that if your parents didn't like your significant other it meant they were “the one.” My mom got married when she was a teen, yet she never seemed to let this ideology go.
This is why it is important not to say anything overly negative about anyone your teen is dating. They might take it as a way to rebel against your rules, which rarely leads to great decision-making on the teen's part. However, you need to share with your teen that dating is an opportunity to recognize the qualities that make a wonderful, godly life partner. When the conversation presents itself, find a calm, respectful way to share that it is not holy and honorable to flit from one person to another, ghosting someone they decide they don't like, or being inconsiderate of boundaries regarding saving sex for marriage.
Teens often think they have everything figured out when they really don't. Give them a few years, let them learn what character qualities make a good romantic partner under your love and guidance, and they will discover that there is still much to learn—and that's okay! This is part of growing up, and growing up can be a beautiful thing.
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2. Am I Talking with Other Like-Minded Parents?
Talking with other parents who share similar values can help you discern how to monitor your teen’s dating.
Some parents have strict rules about dating apps. In the modern world we live in, dating can be very dangerous. It might be best to not allow dating apps because there are many predators on these apps and they are most commonly looking for teenage girls (and even boys). Place your teen’s safety above all else—even if that means they might get upset with you. Their safety is of top priority and you must do all you can to keep them safe. Sometimes this might mean monitoring their phone or only allowing certain app downloads.
Other parents can inform you of any troublesome teens at school. Perhaps your teenage girl has fallen for the “bad boy,” but you don't know he's the bad boy aside from the warnings you receive from other teen mamas. Then, instead of saying anything directly negative about his boy, choose to ask questions and get your daughter thinking.
Ask her, “Why do you like this boy?” “Do you think he is someone you could see yourself being with long-term?” “Will this boy be kind to you and not take advantage of you?” By making her think, she can see past the bad-boy charm and make a wiser decision.
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3. Am I More Concerned with Being My Teen's Friend or Parent?
Whenever you feel a person or situation is unsafe, call it what it is. Don't sit on the sidelines. You might make your teen upset, but it is worth it to keep them safe. If your daughter is dating a boy who is pushing sexual boundaries, degrading her, or using her to build his rocky reputation, it needs to end. Create space for a calm, respectful conversation and share the hard truth with her. She might not think you're her friend in the moment, but later, when you saved her from a dumpster-fire relationship, she will recognize you were being her parent and best friend.
The same goes for your teen sons. If they are ever in a situation or with someone who is unsafe, step in and let them know it's time to end the relationship. Both teen boys and girls need proper guidance and safety when it comes to dating. Teenage years are hard and can cause them to do things they will regret in the future. Teens are just learning what boundaries, self-respect, and long-term consequences are, but mixed with peer pressure, it's a hard season to navigate. Choose to be the parent who stands in the gap, guiding and protecting them, even if you lose cool points with your child.
As a mom or a dad to a teen, all you can do is try your best. Monitor your teen’s dating, but don't be overbearing. Help your teen know that you are not against dating—you just want to ensure they are ready to date and are ready for the maturity it requires.
Nonetheless, remember that you are the parent, and you know what is best. Do what you feel is best for your child and what will bring glory to God. If that means placing an age threshold on the dating period, then that is what must be done. However, if you want to be more flexible and you trust your teen, you can allow them to date with the specific instructions that you have to approve of the person before they start dating them. This will help clear up any questions for you or your teen, prioritizing their safety and the hard season of life they are navigating.
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Originally published Monday, 23 September 2024.
