Similar to many people, I am a people pleaser. If you are like me, you know how difficult it can be and how anxious it can make us. As people pleasers, we want to make all people happy, and if we don’t, we feel terrible about ourselves. A common result of people-pleasing is realizing you don't even know who you are anymore because you have always molded into whatever anyone else wanted you to be.
Throughout my teenage years and early adult life, I became a chameleon to please everyone around me and to be whatever they wanted me to be. I so badly wanted to be accepted that I lost who I was in the process. While this is something I regret now, it is something that we need to talk more about. If you've also noticed the same pattern in your life, know you are not alone, and full recovery from people-pleasing is possible.
People-pleasing will make you overly anxious, overwhelmed, and drained. Rather than continuing to be a people pleaser, it's time to only be concerned about pleasing God. You don’t have to please people all the time. It's impossible and is something that could never be accomplished by anyone.
If you are looking to recover from people-pleasing, here are five lessons I have learned:
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1. It's Not Your Job to Make Everyone Happy
When I was actively people-pleasing, I thought it was my job to make everyone happy. If everyone was not happy, I felt like it was my fault. It would cause me to shut down and feel terrible about myself. Whenever you have these feelings of guilt, you have to remember that it's not your job to make everyone happy. I am not sure where the desire to make everyone happy comes from, but it is not a realistic goal. You cannot make everyone happy all the time.
If you grew up in a family where you felt like you had to keep the peace and were always striving for the approval of your parents, you will probably have a harder time letting this tendency go. I know this from experience. If other people aren't happy, I still feel guilty, but with time and practice, I won’t have to keep putting myself into the prison of other people’s wants and desires.
As a people pleaser, it is very easy for others to take advantage of me. Maybe you have noticed this in your life. This is another reason why we need to let go of people-pleasing. Once a person knows we are people pleasers, they know that we will do anything to make them happy. As you can imagine, this can get rather dangerous and is something we need to avoid. Remind yourself that it's not your job to make everyone happy.
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2. You Don't Have to Change to Make Others Happy
A second lesson I've learned recovering from being a people pleaser is that I don’t have to change to please others. The same goes for you. As Christians, we should do all we can to help others, but nowhere does God tell us that we have to change everything about ourselves to please others. When I was active in people-pleasing, I morphed into whatever other people wanted or what I perceived they wanted me to be.
Despite changing myself and conforming to whatever they wanted, they still didn't want to be my friend. This is because no matter how much I tried, they didn't want to be a friend to me. At the time, it was very hurtful, and I was willing to try anything to make them happy, but now, in hindsight, I feel pity for myself.
I feel pity for myself because I shouldn't have wanted to completely change myself just to please others. True friends will like you for you. They don't want you to change your entire appearance, interests, and personality. Rather, they will want to spend time with you because they like you for you. You don’t have to change to please others—ever.
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3. Focus on Pleasing God—Not Mankind
Focusing on pleasing God instead of mankind is another lesson I've learned. It's better to obey God rather than mankind (Acts 5:29). Often when you choose to focus on pleasing God rather than humans, many people will not like you. This is because everything God says goes against the sinful flesh. Sadly, many people choose to live in accordance with the sinful flesh and hence, they are not pleased when you choose to follow, obey, and serve God.
God is the One to whom we belong. We owe God everything. He created us and sent His Son to die for our sins for us to be given redemption. We don’t owe mankind anything, and this is something we need to remember as we are struggling with people-pleasing. The only One we need to focus on pleasing is God. If we are living in accordance with God and His Word, then there is no reason to feel bad about our lives. Our lives are meant to be lived to the glory of God—not to the glory of man.
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4. It's Okay If People Don't Like You
A huge lesson I've been learning is it's okay if people don’t like you. As a people pleaser, I wanted to ensure that everyone liked me. I desperately tried to do anything to make others like me, but this is not healthy, and at the end of the day, you can’t make anyone like you. You can’t tell someone how to feel. There will be people who will just not like you, and you have to learn to be okay with that.
While this will be hard, it is much needed to move past being a people pleaser. Not everyone will like you. Even if you have thought everyone has always liked you, it isn’t true. Everyone has people in their lives who don't like them, whether they know it or not. Most of the time, it's not anything you have done—rather, it’s a problem with the person.
Many people will just not like us based on what we look like, the way we speak, or our personality. While this is shallow and not a good reason to not like someone, it does happen. If someone does not like you, know that it's okay. Normalize the feeling and come to terms with it. This is completely okay and nothing to lose sleep over.
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5. Discover Who You Are
A final lesson I have learned as a recovering people pleaser is that I have had to discover who I actually am. Due to decades of trying to be a million different people I’m not, I’m slowly discovering who I am. I’ve had to discover what I like to do, who I want to be, and how I want to live my life. All of these things are also questions you will have to discover for yourself as well. It will take some time, but every second you invest in discovering who you actually are will be well worth it.
You don’t have to conform to those around you for them to accept or like you. Listen to the music you want, do the hobbies you want, and read the books that interest you. Don’t change your appearance, personality, or interests for anyone. True friends and people who like you for you won’t care if you don’t look like them, have the same interests as them or have the same goals in life as them. Instead, they will like you just for who God made you.
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Originally published Tuesday, 05 March 2024.
