It’s my gift to be married to a pastor, to work alongside my husband in Christian ministry. But being a pastor’s wife is tricky, too. Sitting on the front row, we’re worried about how we or our kids might look. We’re lonely. We want friendships but they can be complicated by being in a leadership role. We feel both eager to help in any way we can by meeting with people, bringing meals, volunteering in the nursery, yet most pastors’ wives don’t just want to be wanted for what they can do for the church, or do for you. They want what every member wants: to be seen, known and loved firstly as a child of God. To be forgiven when she messes up and not put on a pedestal.
Being married to a pastor who has pastored in different cities for the last ten years, and from wisdom garnered from my fellow pastors’ wives, I offer you a few things that your local pastor’s wife might want you to know, but may not have the right words to tell you:
5. She’s Not a Spiritual Service Provider
Just because she’s married to the pastor, it doesn’t mean she always wants to fill in every ministry hole. She may not want to teach, speak, counsel, or teach Sunday School. The work of ministry is for all of the church, not just the leadership, or spouses married to those in leadership roles. When we only value our pastor’s wife for what she can offer the church — from bringing meals to last-minute volunteering — we’re not helping her grow in her love for Jesus and how he’s uniquely gifted her.
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4. She’s Her Own Person with Her Own Calling
She may be a wife, a mom, work inside and/or outside the home, and have a host of interests and callings outside of her local church. Some pastors' wives relish working in developing vision and ministries with their husbands; others spend more time working outside the home in a career, and others focus their time in the home. Ask your pastor’s wife where she feels the pleasure of God, and encourage her to live that out — whether that means she’s leading a Bible study, or not.
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3. She’s Not the Pastor, Neither is She Just a Congregant
Pastors’ wives are neither the leader responsible for the direction of the church, nor do they slip in to the last pew in the last-moment. They live in a middle space.
This middle space means finding pastoral care is tricky, too. My pastor wife friends wondered who was supposed to pastor them, aside from paying for a counselor. As a member of her congregation, your pastor’s wife may need you as a friend or a counselor. It’s important pastors' wives are given safe spaces to process, repent, and work through sin patterns, and are ultimately pointed to the gospel of Jesus. Pastors' wives need friends, counselors, and spiritual directors who can help them grow in their unique calling and work.
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2. She Wants to be Invited
Because of my husband’s job, we’re often not invited to events that might be somewhat questionable, or fun getaways that would entail us leaving for the weekend. But this also means we miss out on social opportunities where we can let our hair down and be ourselves rather than a role we inhabit. Most pastors' wives are lonely and long for deep friendships where they can be fully themselves. Consider how you can invite your pastor’s wife into your social life and more so, into the deep spaces of your heart.
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1. She’s a Child of God
Your pastor’s wife isn’t more holy than you, although she may have a unique lifestyle. She’s a woman married to a pastor, and together, she and her husband have shaped their lives around the life of the church, in efforts to be salt and light where God has placed them. She struggles with sin. She needs help. She needs prayer, support, friendship, and practical acts of compassion just like any other congregant or member of the community. Most of all, she wants to be loved and seen as a fellow pilgrim alongside you.
If we can love our pastors and their wives well with the gospel — so we’re not expecting they will save us (but that Jesus alone will) while we also support, encourage, and come alongside our church leaders — we will grow as a church. The woman married to your pastor wants exactly what you want: your prayers, your love, your forgiveness, and encouragement in the life of faith.
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Ashley Hales is a writer, speaker, church planter’s wife, and mom to 4 littles in southern California. Ashley has written for places such as The Gospel Coalition, Books & Culture, and ThinkChristian and is writing her first book, Finding Holy in the Suburbs (IVP). Be sure to connect with her at her blog, Facebook, or Twitter. Subscribe to get a free booklet on how to practice sustained attention and chase beauty right where you are.
Originally published Tuesday, 14 November 2017.
