Growing up, I used to get the silent treatment a lot. Due to my family not knowing how to properly communicate, they would give me the silent treatment and not talk with me for hours or days. This happened when I was a child as well as a teenager. At the time, I could discern that the silent treatment wasn't healthy and wasn't helpful in any sense.
When problems arise, individuals need to be able to communicate with each other and work through the problem. While we would think only children or teens would give each other the silent treatment, grown adults also give the silent treatment. One of my loved ones used to give me the silent treatment, and it would destroy my entire heart. Not talking to your child or whoever you are upset with will not fix the problem. If anything, you only worsen the situation.
The silent treatment is not mature, healthy, or holy. If anyone struggles with consistently using the silent treatment, there needs to be a call to change. Your loved ones do not appreciate you giving them the silent treatment. It probably hurts them and makes them feel you will never talk to them again. Choose to utilize healthier ways to communicate that will bring glory to God.
Giving the silent treatment to others is not glorifying God. And, it most likely doesn't make you feel good either because problems are never worked through without communication. If someone is still not convinced the silent treatment isn't a good thing, here are seven reasons why it isn't a godly response to conflict.
1. It Does Not Glorify God
The number one reason why the silent treatment isn't a godly response to conflict is because it does not glorify God. As soon as we see that something is not glorifying God, we must discard it. God wants us to work through conflict healthily. The best way to work through conflict is to communicate, talk through the problem, and bring it before Jesus.
By including the Lord in our conflict resolution, we can work toward a healthy solution that brings glory to Him. Rather than utilizing the silent treatment, we need to work through conflict in healthy ways. The silent treatment will only cause lasting damage to others and ourselves. If you truly want to start glorifying God in your conflict resolution, it is time to put an end to the silent treatment.
2. It Is Immature
Whenever my loved one used to give me the silent treatment, I couldn't help but think that the response was immature. As a teen, I expected more of my loved ones because they were supposed to be mature in dealing with conflict. Giving the silent treatment is anything but mature. It is only hurtful, mean, and unhealthy. If you are prone to giving silent treatment, know how badly it can hurt someone and what it can say about your character.
The Bible clearly tells us to not be immature. The Apostle Paul says, "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me" (1 Corinthians 13:11). As Paul tells us here, we are adults now and we must put childish ways behind us. The silent treatment can be defined as childish because it is immature and does not honor God. There again, reject the silent treatment and choose to honor God through your conflict resolution.
3. It Is Hurtful
As mentioned many times, the silent treatment can be extremely hurtful. Each time my loved one would use the silent treatment on me, it would hurt worse than any pain I had known. Even for basic things, such as asking if they needed me to wash clothes, what they wanted for lunch, or if they needed a bottle of water, my loved one would ignore me and continue in their silent treatment. Honestly, I have never remembered why my loved one was mad at me or giving me the silent treatment to begin with.
I know I messed up and upset my loved one several times, but nothing warrants someone shutting you out. I had many struggles in my youth, which truly needed more empathy and compassion, yet I couldn't even help my loved one move past the silent treatment. If they wouldn't stop giving the silent treatment, they were never going to be able to be the emphatic, sympathetic, and caring person I needed in my life. This has caused me many problems, including insecurities, self-hate, and a lack of self-worth.
We shouldn't overlook how much the silent treatment can hurt others. It can cause damage that cannot be ever cured. The pain inflicted on me through the use of silent treatments is something I have not been able to work through, even with therapy. When anyone starts showing the slightest sign of the silent treatment, I automatically get anxious and start feeling down. In order to avoid others developing this same response, everyone needs to give up participating in the silent treatment.
4. Can Foster Resentment
When a person continually gives the silent treatment to someone, it can cause resentment to grow in both parties. The person giving the silent treatment will have resentment against the person they are upset with, and the person receiving the silent treatment will foster resentment against the person giving the silent treatment. As we can see, resentment results from the silent treatment. It can cause factions, friction, and a loss of love between people of the same family, friends, or romantic relationships.
If you don't want to ruin your relationship with your children, your spouse, or your friends, choose to stop giving the silent treatment. Slow resentment will grow to become a lasting resentment, which is hard to work through. God does not want us to hold resentment toward anyone. He wants us to extend love, grace, and mercy. In fact, the Lord tells us to love others as we love ourselves (Matthew 22:39).
How can we love others as Jesus teaches if we give them the silent treatment? If we truly follow the command of Jesus to love others as we love ourselves, we would never even think of giving the silent treatment. We don't like it when others give us the silent treatment. Therefore, we don't need to give it to others. The silent treatment will never solve any problems—it will only cause more problems.
5. Loss of Connection
When it comes to family, friends, and marriages, the silent treatment will lead to a loss of connection. Once there is a loss of connection, the entire construct of connection will be destroyed with time. As mentioned, resentment will grow into the hearts of the individuals included in the silent treatment and soon their connection will be broken. This is not surprising because how can anyone have a connection if nobody is talking with each other?
Without communication, there will be no connection. Connection is vital in all of our relationships. A lack of connection may cause the end of our marriage, our friendship, or any chance of having a healthy relationship with our kids. Notice the danger and damage that comes from engaging in the silent treatment. Each time you are tempted to give the silent treatment, ask yourself these questions:
-Am I willing to lose this relationship by giving the silent treatment?
-Am I okay with hurting this person?
-Am I okay with causing this person lasting pain?
-Am I okay with destroying any future hopes of restoring my relationship with them?
If the answer is no to all of these questions, then it is wise to avoid silent treatment. For any relationship to flourish and grow, there needs to be connection. The key way to connect is by communicating. Talk about your concerns, issues, and problems rather than going silent. You will quickly find this is a better way to respond to conflicts.
6. It Can Cause Lasting Damage to Everyone Involved
Godly responses to conflicts include communicating, sharing your concerns, listening to the other person's concerns, including God in the situation, and working toward a solution that honors God. The silent treatment will destroy any efforts at ever coming to a conflict resolution. It will cause pain, hurt, and disorder. The damage that is inflicted on others through the silent damage is long-lasting.
As someone who has gone through this, I can share with you that the damage is ever present and has harmed the way I view myself. Since my loved one couldn't work through problems with me in a healthy, godly way, I immediately felt as though I was not worth conflict resolution. I felt all I was good for was to be the easy target or the "kicking bag" of the family since I had always taken it.
This is not healthy and can cause lasting damage that isn't always healed. It is hurtful when someone you love so much treats you so badly. Many psychologists and therapists now view silent treatment as a passive-aggressive, abusive way to interact with others. It goes without saying that passive-aggressiveness and abuse are not words that glorify God. In order to stay away from causing lasting damage, passive-aggression, and abuse, it is best to stop the silent treatment.
You might think you have the upper hand by giving the silent treatment, but you are only hurting others and yourself. Hurting others and yourself is nothing to be proud of. Turn to the Lord in repentance, ask for His forgiveness, and try to make things right with the person you hurt. Even if it has been years ago, reach out to the person and be the person God created you to be—a loving, caring, and compassionate child of His.
7. It Never Solves the Problem
Lastly, it is important to note that the silent treatment is never a godly response to conflict because it never solves the problem. Hours, days, weeks, or even years of the silent treatment will not solve your present issues. Communicating and including God in the conflict is the only way to solve the pressing issue. By including God, you will be able to truly ensure your response and solution is godly, glorifying God and honoring God.
Finding a solution to your problem will never be done through the silent treatment. It will only cause lasting wounds to form. If you are tempted to use the silent treatment on others, stop and think. Turn to God in prayer and ask Him to help you respond to conflicts in a godly way. Tell Him how hard it is to turn away from the silent treatment, but also accept His gentle nudge to communicate openly.
Rely on God and His guidance rather than returning to the silent treatment. When we start glorifying God in our responses to conflict, we will truly be shining bright for Jesus, helping others, and ensuring everyone feels loved.
Related Resource: 4 Ways to Heal from Toxic Mother Relationships
Mother's Day is around the corner. How are you feeling? In this heartfelt episode of Breathe: The Stress Less Podcast, Bonnie explores the complexities of navigating Mother's Day when you have a difficult or toxic relationship with your mom. Drawing from her own experiences and faith journey, Bonnie offers invaluable insights and practical tips for finding healing and peace, even amidst challenging family dynamics.
Originally published Wednesday, 08 May 2024.
