Church is supposed to be a place where you can go to be discipled and built up in your walk with the Lord. Some have even called it a hospital for the hurting. If this is true, and church should be a place of healing, the last thing you would expect to happen in church is that you would end up in an abusive environment. However, this happens in church, and maybe it happens more often than we want to admit.
Sadly, the type of abuse is not typically physical, but spiritual, mental, and emotional. The effects of this abuse have caused some to walk away from the church altogether, and others to even walk away from the Lord. While these things are tragedies, I believe it is possible to spot an abusive church and, hopefully, when you do, you would run from that type of church and do it quickly. I must be clear that all churches are not abusive, but there are some rotten apples in the bunch. My simple prayer is that you would recognize the signs of an abusive church, because if you are in one, they are hurting you more than you may even realize.
Here are nine signs of an abusive church:
1. Authoritarian Leadership
One major sign of an abusive church is when there is one leader who is in full control. Typically, in these types of churches, there are no checks and balances. What the pastor wants, the pastor gets. In fact, many times you are made to feel as if you are there to serve the whims and needs of the pastor instead of the pastor serving you. These types of leaders don’t have servant hearts, and their character rarely reflects the heart and compassion of Jesus. Many times, in these churches, the pastor is treated as if he is on a higher plane spiritually, and he has a relationship with God that no one in the congregation can ever approach or replicate.
Authoritarian leaders have a way of making you feel diminished or small if you don’t see things the way they do. God forbid you would disagree with “the man of God,” My friends, these are big red flags and should tell you something is wrong. Even though leaders have greater responsibility, that should also come with greater humility.
"Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Matthew 20:26-28
Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/JohnyVino
2. Insecure Pastors Who Suppress Your Gifts
Another sign of an abusive church is one that stifles your gifts. This becomes more recognizable when the pastors and leaders are aware of your gifts. However, instead of encouraging you to grow in your gift, these churches may suppress it. It is further exacerbated when there are pastors who are fearful of people who may be more gifted than they are in a specific area. This can create insecurity because the pastor may worry about people who could “steal their shine,” so they do everything they can to stifle them. An environment like this is not empowering, and it is a form of mental abuse. People who find themselves in these situations often end up discouraged and frustrated and usually leave the church.
"Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms." 1 Peter 4:10
Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/josearba
3. Spiritual Manipulation
Spiritual manipulation happens when a leader attempts to use spiritual “tactics” to get you to do things they want. This may apply when they are trying to get you to give, serve, or anything else. Sometimes they will use language like, "The Lord told me..," or "The Holy Spirit says...." They often feel if they cloak it in this language, there is no way you would ever question it, and you would feel more compelled to do what they want.
Many years ago, I went to a church where the pastor said God showed him there are ten people in the room who are supposed to give $1000 tonight. That alone is manipulative. He then said if you are one of those ten people, stand up. When he said this, only four people stood up. Clearly, he was not satisfied with that because he reminded the crowd that God told him ten people. After waiting a little longer, he said, "I know there are ten and don’t let me get a word of knowledge and call you out..." Once he said that, a few more people stood up, and he got his ten people. This “pastor” (I hate to even call him that) used the threat of using a spiritual gift to manipulate the people into giving. If any leader in any church manipulates you into doing anything, that is abuse, and you should get out of there.
"Do not take advantage of each other, but fear your God. I am the Lord your God." Leviticus 25:17
Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/MARIAMARTAGIMENEZ
4. Control Over Your Personal Life
Another indicator of abuse is when the church tries to control your personal life. When this happens, the leadership of the church oversteps their bounds. They may try to tell you who to marry, where to work or live, or attempt to exercise control over many personal decisions you make. Rather than praying with you to help you determine how God is leading you, they will tell you what to do because it aligns with what they want. There is little consideration given to what God wants.
Yes, the church should instruct you on how to live a godly life and even make wise decisions. I would add it is biblical and wise to get godly counsel when you are considering some life decisions. However, blindly following someone just because they said this is what you should do is not biblical or wise. Even if they say, “thus saith the Lord.”
I had a pastor tell someone God was calling him to be a worship leader. The guy had no musical ability. He could not sing on key and had shaky rhythm at best, and I am being polite. The sad part is the guy believed him without questioning and tried to be a singer and failed miserably. What the pastor really wanted was for him to stay in his church, and he used this as the means of controlling him. This is shameful, but when it happens, you know you are in an abusive environment.
"Do not treat prophecies with contempt 21 but test them all; hold on to what is good." 1 Thessalonians 5:20-21
Photo Credit: ©Sparrowstock/David Clark
5. A Culture of Fear
Many times, abusive churches lead with fear. They are usually legalistic, judgmental, and present God as an angry judge, ready to strike you down the first mistake you make. To maintain this culture of fear, which is another form of control, they may tell you things like, "There is no other church like this one," or "You won’t be able to fulfill your calling if you leave this place," or "We are the only place that will tell you the truth." My favorite one of all is "If you leave this church, you are leaving your covering."
None of these things are true. God does not just have one church in one location, but there are plenty of churches where people are seeking God and doing his will. Any pastor who uses fear to control the people is not operating in the Holy Spirit, because God has not given us a spirit of fear.
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV)
Photo Credit: ©kellysikkema
6. Isolating You from Other Believers
Another practice of abusive churches, which mixes well with the culture of fear, is isolation. They simply don’t want you to have fellowship with people outside the group. This is a big red flag not just of an abusive church but of cultish behavior. If you are part of the body of Christ, you should find joy in fellowshipping with all members of the body, regardless of who they are or where they worship. Churches that don’t encourage this or who isolate or insulate themselves will usually become extreme and, sometimes, even dangerous.
"How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity!" Psalm 133:1
Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/RyanJLane
7. Lack of Transparency
Abusive churches lack transparency. You will rarely know how decisions are made and the power is usually in the hands of one or a few. As a member, you don’t know how much money is coming in, where it is going, and who decides that. As much as a church is a spiritual entity, it is also a legal one as well. If you are contributing to a church, which is a legal charitable entity, you have a right to know how those dollars are being spent. When churches get a little shady with sharing that information, that is usually not a good sign.
"For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open." Luke 8:17
Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Linas Toleikis
8. Nepotism
In some circles, the church is nothing more than the family business. It seems a little suspicious to me when the entire family of the pastor works at the church. It could be the pastor, the pastor’s wife, their children, the spouses of their children, their grandchildren, and on and on. I will call this "opportunity abuse" because people who have better qualifications may get overlooked because they don’t have the right last name. While God can call people from the same family into ministry, just because you grow up in the same house or share the same last name does not mean you are automatically called.
"It is not that we think we are qualified to do anything on our own. Our qualification comes from God." 2 Corinthians 3:5 (NLT)
Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Steve Nagy/Design Pics
9. Care More for Your Service Than Your Spiritual Development
The last sign to share with you is when churches only care about how much you can serve. These churches try to convince you that the needs of the church should be the most important priority in your life. It doesn’t matter that you serve in five different ministries, that you are in the building six days a week, or that you neglect other responsibilities in your life. This is all good because the needs of the church come first. They give little concern to your spiritual development or your relationship with Jesus because as long as you are in the building and serving, everything is alright. These are the types of churches that will often use you until you have nothing left to give. Once you are all used up, they spit you out to make room for the next person. Sadly, this cycle never ends.
"The apostles gathered around Jesus and reported to him all they had done and taught. Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, 'Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.'” Mark 6:30-31
Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/BiserkaStojanovic
Final Encouragement
With all these things I have shared, please know I am not against the local church. I am a big fan and supporter of the local church. I believe being part of a local church is an important aspect of your Christian walk. God never intended us to walk in isolation, but in fellowship and community. I encourage you that even if it takes a while to find one, get connected to a local church. I know finding a healthy church is not always easy, but when you find one it will be worth it.
Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Christin Lola
Originally published Tuesday, 17 December 2024.
