All of us have been there–we are spending time with someone who is overly talkative, needy, and selfish, and without them knowing it, are frankly just sucking all of the life out of us. It can feel at times that they are a vampire, draining all of our energy away.
If you have found yourself in this position before, know that you are not alone. Most of us know at least one person in our life who does this.
The best way one could imagine ending this would be to stop talking with the person, but most times, it is not that simple. Sometimes the people who drain us the most are the people we have to encounter every day, such as coworkers, a difficult family member, or the judgmental lady neighbor you see all the time at the grocery store.
All of these people are unavoidable, therefore, we have no option but to have to interact with them. If you have many people in your life who drain you, know that there are many things you can do to prevent them from draining your energy any longer.
Through going to therapy and studying the Bible, I have learned that there will be people who will be unintentionally toxic and burdensome, but it doesn't mean that we have to let them rule our lives. Instead of allowing them to drain every ounce of hope out of our bones, we can take our stand and do things to help ourselves.
These things can take time and work, but they are worth it. Anything good is worth working for, and this is no exception.
The individuals who are draining you probably aren't just doing it to you. They are probably fatiguing many other people and causing them to feel overwhelmed. And while this doesn't solve your problem, it can help you feel less alone.
Many of the people we encounter every day deplete us with just a simple word, remark, or facial expression, but we don't need to give them that much power in our lives. If you are tired of people sucking the life out of you, here are five ways to keep people from doing it.
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1. Set Boundaries and Stick with Them
The first thing you must do is to set boundaries and stick with them. Through therapy, I have learned the importance of boundaries. While not everyone will honor your boundaries, it is good to have these boundaries in place so that you can uphold them, even if others don’t.
Make sure everyone knows your boundaries so they aren’t surprised when you start incorporating them in your dealings with others.
If there is one specific person who you need a mental break from or you need to change how you interact with them, talk with them kindly in private and let them know your limitations. For example, if this person is a friend or a family member and you are exhausted by having to talk to them all the time, setting a boundary could look like telling them, “Hey, I know you like to text and call me a lot, but can you scale back? I have a lot on my plate right now and having to answer every message and return every call is draining me. Can we set a boundary line where we talk once a week?”
By saying something like this, you will be able to set a clear boundary. In addition to setting the boundary, you also have to stick with it. You can’t be wishy-washy when it comes to your boundaries. State your boundaries and stand beside them.
Even if the person gets upset when you tell them your boundary, you need to stick with it. This is one of the only ways that you are going to be able to preserve your own well-being.
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2. Don't Allow People to Abuse Your Kindness
Sadly, many people will abuse your kindness if you allow them to. Instead of letting people walk over you like a doormat, stand firm and don't allow people to use you.
One example of where this could be playing out for you is a boss who is asking more of you than you are being compensated for. If they are trying to underpay you for your work, don't endure it. Sometimes a boss will see an employee as kind and agreeable—and will therefore unfairly pile more work on them because they think because that employee is kind, they will not fight back.
In this instance, not allowing someone to abuse your kindness could look like having an honest conversation with your boss, and saying something like, “I've noticed that you haven't been paying more for the work that I have been doing. I've been carrying extra work and working overtime, yet my paycheck has not increased. Can you please correct this?”
While it might be scary at first, you need to stand your ground and not allow them to take advantage of your kind nature.
Other examples of people abusing your kindness are the neighbor who never returns things that they borrow from you, adult children who ask for money without following through on paying you back, family members who let you take the brunt of unpleasant family drama, or the friend who always forgets her wallet when you get coffee. Think about your life and if there are any people who you feel like are taking advantage of you.
Many people mistake kindness for weakness, but they are wrong. Just because someone in your life abuses your kindness does not mean everyone will. There are many people who will be thankful for your kindness and will treat you well in return.
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3. Don't Be Afraid to Say No
A third way to prevent people from sucking the life out of you is not being afraid to say “no.” In our modern day, almost everyone answers everything with a “yes.” They never deny their eye anything they want.
However, in the matter of protecting our energy and resources, we have to learn to say no. If we never learn how to say no or feel guilty when we say no, we are only going to be hurting ourselves.
Similar to the above point, many people will abuse our kindness and if we never put our foot down, they will continue to take advantage and use us. This is why it is important that we are not afraid to say no.
As an example, maybe a family member keeps asking you to meet up with them, but they drain you every time you are together. Instead of just going along with them in order to keep the peace, be okay with saying no to their invitation.
Say they’re in town and want to catch up, but you don’t have enough reserve energy to be able to give to them. You could send them a text and say, “Hey, thanks for the offer, but no, I'm not going to be able to make it. Thanks again!” It can be something as simple and easy as this.
Another area where we Christians can feel pressured to say “yes” all the time is to church events or responsibilities. Maybe you have a beautiful home for hosting—but that doesn’t mean you have to say yes to every time the teen’s ministry wants to meet there on a Friday night. Or say there’s a young disciple who is leaning on you a bit too much and you can feel it becoming unhealthy. You are allowed to say no to getting together so often.
If they don't accept your no, still stand by it. Remember that you don't have to do anything that you don't want to. You are an adult and you can choose who you spend time with and what you spend your time doing. By you saying no and turning down their offer, you are showing that you are respecting yourself.
Although there will be many people who will be judgmental of you turning them down, you do not need to let them get to you. They should be able to respect your no just as you would respect their decisions.
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4. Spend Time by Yourself and Do Something to Relax
Another way to preserve your energy is by spending time by yourself and doing something to relax. This is a form of self-care that will help you in all areas of life.
While we’ll never be completely free of people who drain our energy, we can take time to help ourselves. This will be different for everyone, but a few ideas could be going for a walk, going to a pottery class, or seeing a movie.
Choose to do something by yourself so you can have time to recharge and relax. This is especially helpful if you find yourself constantly being drained by people in your life.
The concept of having your life sucked out of you by others should not be overlooked because this is what it truly feels like when people are overwhelming and draining you. Whenever you are feeling this way and even when you are not, it is beneficial to take some time for self-care.
You are not being selfish by needing time by yourself. Loved ones in your life will understand the need to decompress and have some free time.
Being around people who don’t respect you, take advantage of you, and drain you can make you feel as though you are living in a war zone. Don't underestimate how much spending time by yourself and doing something you enjoy can really help you. It can help you recalibrate and ensure that you are still taking care of your overall well-being.
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5. Cultivate a Heart of Calmness
Pray for God to help you cultivate a heart of calmness. This is something that I have had to do recently and it is not easy. Despite it not being easy, it is something that really does help.
Maybe you are similar to me and when you’re around selfish people, it can make you feel very overwhelmed, anxious, and lethargic. Instead of being productive, it can make you want to hide away for the rest of your life.
While we ultimately cannot change the difficult people around us, we can change the way we react. Whenever you are going to have to interact with someone who has taken advantage of you in the past, go ahead and mentally prepare ahead of time. Start cultivating a heart of calmness. Take deep breaths and don't allow your anger to get the best of you.
By cultivating a heart of calmness, you are going to be better at addressing issues and standing your ground. If you go into the conversation on edge and unsure, you probably will continue the same pattern you’ve been doing.
However, if you start working on cultivating a heart of calmness, you will be able to be calm, poised, and ready when you have to interact with the difficult person. If calmness is something that is hard for you, ask God to help you in this area. Know that God is faithful and He will help you in this struggle.
Having the life sucked out of you is draining. If you are having to encounter this on a daily basis, know that there are many things that you can do that will help you be able to be loving towards them and yourself.
A few things you can do to keep people from draining the life out of you is to set boundaries and stick with them, don't allow people to abuse your kindness, don't be afraid to say no, spend time by yourself and doing something to relax, and cultivate a heart of calmness.
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Originally published Monday, 04 March 2024.
